JENNY - by Hawk Teflon

I was aware of the BG on this one. Congrats again BTW. I think you played a strength card here - not something you are personally going through, but you gave yourself a scenario that was relatable. Good choice. It was short and didnt need to be longer.

I thought the opening was a bit expositional. Generally it was all played pretty safe and theres nothing wrong with that.
 
This is a very short film and it feels longer because it's not getting to the point quick enough. I don't really like the use of a phone call in shorts because it's really no different than if the actor was talking to himself. I do like the reveal though.


*spoilers*


I didn't expect him to be a two-timing son-of-a-biscuit, so that was a nice twist. I still however didn't really feel any genuine interaction between the two physical characters. So the opening was as Noel expressed a tad expositional. I also didn't see how a sudden flashback or an ultrasound image could all of the sudden BAM! just be the catalytic change of heart for this guy. I liked the twist. I just would have liked to have seen "more" of story.
 
If this really was just a two-person cast and crew (you and your wife and she was 8+ months pregnant) , that is seriously impressive. :)

I thought your shots were really nice, especially the first few shots of you with the lamp in the background. I would probably lose the shot of the wedding ring, as we already got it and that point and you simply don't need it.

As other have mentioned, it's tough to do a dramatic phone call, but the reveal afterwards was excellent - I definitely did not see that coming. I also thought there was something really honest in your ending. It was hopeful and I liked that.

Well done.
 
Thank you for the kind words and critiques.

@Noel & Charli ... I'm not familiar with "expositional" (dictionary.com did me NO good!)

@Chris K - yeah, here in OKC even a forecast of snow can shut this place down. When it actually falls, it's all over!

@Chris M - Thanks! Yeah, it was just us two. Looking through it again, I agree on the wedding ring shot. To be honest, that's where I originally ended it. Just that. As you can see, though, I added a second act.
 
Hawk Teflon said:
@Chris M - Thanks! Yeah, it was just us two. Looking through it again, I agree on the wedding ring shot. To be honest, that's where I originally ended it. Just that. As you can see, though, I added a second act.
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I'm so glad you added that second act. It takes the whole story to another level and gives the character much more depth and a chance at redemption.
 
I liked the warm feel of the whole film. I even checked the travel website online to see if you went all the way with setting up an Easter egg :happy:

Also I appreciated the ambiguity in the final choice that he was going to make...
 
Ha, no I didn't actually build a website in the sense that most people do. I built it in After Effects and animated it "loading" bit by bit.
 
Nice work. Agree with the comments on the cell phone conversation as not the best bit. The natural light on your face on the call was very pretty and a nice look. The shot was a bit soft though. Was that conversation all looped?
 
Yeah, I hate that the shot was soft, but I knew there was no way I could get my wife back in there for "one more shot" ha ha!

Looped? I don't follow. We shot the same conversation three different times if that's what you mean.
 
Hawk I really like this short. It was simple and well told, story wise. I liked how you set up your shots very clean on a tripod, it lets the acting play out effectively. The older i get, the more I appreciate the simplicity of static tripod shots. I would love for you to go and add some heavy snowbanks on the exterior of the house so he's really snowed in. You added the snow falling right? it looks good. I liked the opening scene on the phone, but wanted to hear the girl he was talking to. I think that would have made that scene more interesting. The twist was great, and I like the positive ending. Like others have said, I do wish you figured out a slightly better plot device for him to cancel his business trip affair. What you have does work though, I just wish it was something more than looking at a photo. But whatever, it's cool as is. All in all this was a good short and you did a great job doing it all yourself. Congrats!
 
Hawk, a very beautiful film! No lights?? That's crazy man! That opening shot of the guy is just awesome.

I liked the twist, you definitely surprised me. I wish the payoff had been more profound.

As a father myself, I can see how looking at a picture of your unborn can stir deep emotions, though i'm not sure if others get that.

A good piece man!
 
My criticisms: Something about the opening phone shot seems off... it was almost like the voice of a narrator instead of him on the phone. I didn't feel connected to the story yet. The acting was a bit stiff in spots, but I know you were under a terrible time crunch with a real baby soon to come!

My compliments: I loved both ring shots... the first was simply a beautiful shot, and the last, with his hand sliding against the door frame, was a wonderful way to remind us the impact of his actions and to tie the whole story together. I also enjoyed the opening shot of the house in the falling snow.... letting us know this can happen to anyone and that they are just your typical family. You did a good job on the fake website. Big props for pulling this together in such a short time and CONGRATULATIONS not only on presenting a good film, but on the baby too!
 
Matt Harris said:
Hawk I really like this short. It was simple and well told, story wise. I liked how you set up your shots very clean on a tripod, it lets the acting play out effectively. The older i get, the more I appreciate the simplicity of static tripod shots. I would love for you to go and add some heavy snowbanks on the exterior of the house so he's really snowed in. You added the snow falling right? it looks good. I liked the opening scene on the phone, but wanted to hear the girl he was talking to. I think that would have made that scene more interesting. The twist was great, and I like the positive ending. Like others have said, I do wish you figured out a slightly better plot device for him to cancel his business trip affair. What you have does work though, I just wish it was something more than looking at a photo. But whatever, it's cool as is. All in all this was a good short and you did a great job doing it all yourself. Congrats!
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The reason the snow looks so good falling is because it's real! Ha ha! I like the idea of the snow banks, though. I may throw a couple in. Seems simple enough.
 
Shawn Philip Nelson said:
Hawk, a very beautiful film! No lights?? That's crazy man! That opening shot of the guy is just awesome.

I liked the twist, you definitely surprised me. I wish the payoff had been more profound.

As a father myself, I can see how looking at a picture of your unborn can stir deep emotions, though i'm not sure if others get that.

A good piece man!
Click to expand...

Thanks man, I appreciate it! Had there been no snow on the ground, I doubt I could have gotten such bright light coming in. It definitely worked in my favor!
 
EditPhish said:
My criticisms: Something about the opening phone shot seems off... it was almost like the voice of a narrator instead of him on the phone. I didn't feel connected to the story yet. The acting was a bit stiff in spots, but I know you were under a terrible time crunch with a real baby soon to come!

My compliments: I loved both ring shots... the first was simply a beautiful shot, and the last, with his hand sliding against the door frame, was a wonderful way to remind us the impact of his actions and to tie the whole story together. I also enjoyed the opening shot of the house in the falling snow.... letting us know this can happen to anyone and that they are just your typical family. You did a good job on the fake website. Big props for pulling this together in such a short time and CONGRATULATIONS not only on presenting a good film, but on the baby too!
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Hey, thanks for the compliments and criticisms (I really mean that, though it might sound sarcastic ... I'm serious)! I'm learning a lot from people just from this fest because of comments like this. I DO wish I could have stayed behind the camera and had someone acting in my stead. I'm MUCH more comfortable behind the camera.

You brought up that it sounded more like a narrator instead of my character's voice. Is it because you didn't see me actually moving my mouth until the 4th shot or so even though you could see my back?
 
Hawk was a very busy boy this fest! Really nice story, well told...and yes, I hated that character...cheating on a pregnant wife, shame on him.
I thought you did a great job acting and you'll only get better in time (if you decide to go that direction). There were some killer shots as mentioned,
the rings especially. I have to know... that was a great moon...did you add that? It was BIG. Good job on the fake web site too.

I still think a little more attention to the CC is due, but other then that...really well done Hawk. Your daughter will love seeing this one day!
Best to you & your family.
 
Ha! Thanks, man! Yeah, I built the moon in AE. That was a shot taken around 2pm, so I had to make it "night-ish" also, and then just composited a moon in the BG.
 
How did your wife feel about the storyline? :)

This was pretty good. Very different from your other entry. I liked most of the shots as well. Good work for using what you've got.
I got the ending quite clearly. I can see him making that choice at that specific time. Tough though.

Would be nice to hear some outside noise for the exterior stuff.
Tough to pull off two entries, let alone one. Nice work.

Not sure if we'll see you next fest with the new baby here now. :)
Hope we do.
 
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