Go West

I guess I have a slightly different take on the husband.
I thought the fact that she ended up with an alcoholic husband was perfect.

All too often you see people end up in a relationship that mirrors the family environment that they grew up in, so it only seemed natural to me, that despite her schooling, she ended up with an alcoholic. I also thought that she would think that she could fix/save him. Later in the relationship he becomes abusive and there was only one way left to fix that.

I saw him courting her and maybe he was on his best behavior, but even then, he was a little too liberal with the alcohol. Even though she could see it, this only attracted her more, unconsciously probably, but she ended up with an alcoholic just like her Daddy.

However I could see how it would work the other was as you and Jason have discussed. It just didn't occur to me. Either way, its solid character develoment.
 
Mature and dark! A Solid entry!

It's well written, structured and has some great characters. Everything is set-up neatly and effectively. I like all the things that built-up inside of her to create a snap that sends her on her religious cleansing of the land.

I can't say I was confused by what happened to Ms. Lucy, seemed clear to me. However, there should've been some small thing to explain how her bullet wounds either took so long to bleed or why the wound re-opened in the bar.

Good closing , like how it brought us back to the beginning. great work.
 
Blaine said:
This is a really well written script. I tried to start it last night and just couldn't get into it. I'm glad I waited to read it with fresh eyes. You did a great job of setting up all your characters. Picked up the abuse right away. With the flashback, the alcohol was connected.

The dialogue was stylized and fit well with the period and location. All except one line of dialogue, that is.

Whatever, Mama just sounded so contemporary in dialogue that generally fit the feel of the time, that I was momentarily pulled out of the story and had to go back to re-read it. I was also confused for just a moment when the girl called her Mama. But that passed.

I think just about everything else in the script hit the right tone. Everything was motivated and I never found myself wondering, "why the hell did she/he do that?" I also think you nailed the ending. Very good script...one of the best in this fest.
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wow... i really appreciate the review.

and i can see what you mean about the "whatever mama" line. good catch. ;)

i'm glad you liked it.

conlanforever said:
I guess I have a slightly different take on the husband.
I thought the fact that she ended up with an alcoholic husband was perfect.

All too often you see people end up in a relationship that mirrors the family environment that they grew up in, so it only seemed natural to me, that despite her schooling, she ended up with an alcoholic. I also thought that she would think that she could fix/save him. Later in the relationship he becomes abusive and there was only one way left to fix that.

I saw him courting her and maybe he was on his best behavior, but even then, he was a little too liberal with the alcohol. Even though she could see it, this only attracted her more, unconsciously probably, but she ended up with an alcoholic just like her Daddy.

However I could see how it would work the other was as you and Jason have discussed. It just didn't occur to me. Either way, its solid character develoment.
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i agree with you about the husband, as well. i was imagining that he was not a drinker when she met him, or, at least, she didn't know he was one. but, as these things do tend to repeat themselves from one generation to the next, it makes perfect sense that she would end up marrying someone who would have the same addiction issues as her father.

i so love that you have come up with this whole back story for my character! it's flattering actually that you would put so much thought into my script. ;)

MrKilloran said:
Mature and dark! A Solid entry!

It's well written, structured and has some great characters. Everything is set-up neatly and effectively. I like all the things that built-up inside of her to create a snap that sends her on her religious cleansing of the land.

I can't say I was confused by what happened to Ms. Lucy, seemed clear to me. However, there should've been some small thing to explain how her bullet wounds either took so long to bleed or why the wound re-opened in the bar.

Good closing , like how it brought us back to the beginning. great work.
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thanks for the review, mrkilloran. i appreciate it.

you make a good point about the bleeding. i have been thinking of some small changes i could make to remedy that. ;)

i'm pleased you enjoyed it.
 
Ah! It was going so good and then you rushed the shooting of Ms. Lucy. I know on the screen it'll be fast. But pace it out on the page give it more kick.

Loved this dark tale. You certainly made it your piece. I think you could really expand on this and make a new kind of western, something I would pay to see.

Can't say as I saw a gun fight in it though. :)
 
Chris_Keaton said:
Ah! It was going so good and then you rushed the shooting of Ms. Lucy. I know on the screen it'll be fast. But pace it out on the page give it more kick.

Loved this dark tale. You certainly made it your piece. I think you could really expand on this and make a new kind of western, something I would pay to see.

Can't say as I saw a gun fight in it though. :)
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hey there. thanks for taking the time to read and review my script. i really appreciate the feedback. :)

let me know what you think, but i respectfully disagree about the shooting of ms. lucy being too quick for a couple of reasons:

first, the shooting was background information in the story of caroline. i didn't wan't to take away from the main point of the story. hopefully, if you didn't want lucy to die off so quickly, it is because that one scene, short as it may be, was enough to establish the relationship between ms. lucy and caroline and show ms. lucy's personality to be playful and motherly. i did agree that i wanted more of ms. lucy, which is why i bring her back in the last scene.

second, the shooting happening so quickly is intended to grab the audience's attention and catch them off guard. if i dragged out the scene, it would not have nearly the same impact.

the gunfight happened during the first saloon "hatchetation". ;)

thanks again! i'm glad you liked it. :beer:

jamie
 
jamiejay said:
not sure if everyone picked up on this, but the flashback symbolized that she was dead. i wanted to bring it back full circle and show the innocence that was destroyed and reunite caroline with ms. lucy in a happier place.
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Hello, I'm late in on this one and much has already been said but I did enjoy the read.

My take on the ending was that they were in heaven. The blinding light and the living forever dialogue headed me off in that direction. Is this what you are refering to as "a happier place".

The only thing that worries me is that the baby would also have to be dead if this was the case, but that's entirely possible.

Well done and good luck in the voting.
 
"let me know what you think, but i respectfully disagree about the shooting of ms. lucy being too quick for a couple of reasons:"

I really only mentioned it, because I had to read it twice to understand what happened. I figured that wasn't what you wanted. That's all.
 
i definitely don't want it to be confusing. i should have just stated that the gun accidentally fires instead of being all subtle by saying "the sound of the gun is followed by..."

i guess i thought you meant it was too soon in the story for her to be shot. sorry. do you think that adding a line about the gun accidentally firing would have made it less confusing?

i appreciate your feedback. :)
 
leepback said:
Hello, I'm late in on this one and much has already been said but I did enjoy the read.

My take on the ending was that they were in heaven. The blinding light and the living forever dialogue headed me off in that direction. Is this what you are refering to as "a happier place".

The only thing that worries me is that the baby would also have to be dead if this was the case, but that's entirely possible.

Well done and good luck in the voting.
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thanks :) hopefully, next time we will see you in the running ;)

i left the ending up for interpretation... but, an intended possibility was that she was dead and reunited with ms. lucy. that's the way i choose to look at it. but it could also have been what caroline sees as her life passes before her eyes in death. it even could have just been another flashback to show the innocence that was lost and remind the reader how caroline used to be. the heaven interpretation is still the best choice in my mind and, you are very correct, the white light and the dialogue was indicative of that. ;)

as for the infant, i guess it doesn't really matter (to the story) whether or not it was dead no matter which interpretation of the ending one might have... it was more representative of how caroline remembers ms. lucy... so, if she were to be reunited with her after death to relive a happier time, in my mind, she would see ms. lucy with a baby in her arms.

thanks for taking the time to read and review :beer:
 
Great....I think you've well and truely covered any misgivings I had re the baby and heaven.
 
Rustom Irani said:
Your opening description has powerful images, which is an excellent thing, but you don't need to mention "woman" in description. Caroline would suffice.
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somehow i missed this statement previously... sorry. i would agree with you normally, but, since i have a flashback, i wanted to distinguish adult caroline from young caroline. to be even more precise, her age in parenthesis would have worked though. thanks. :)
 
Talk about a dysfunctional childhood! Witnessing that kind of tragic event as a child is something that could very well create a serial killer. Had this just been some lady killing people with a Hatchet, the story would have been flat. However you are able to convey a logic that that bad guys in real life don't think they are doing anything wrong. Many do in fact think they are doing the Lord's work so the set up here was both shocking and perfect! It laid out a great foundation for a story that was a page turner.
 
Mark C said:
Talk about a dysfunctional childhood! Witnessing that kind of tragic event as a child is something that could very well create a serial killer. Had this just been some lady killing people with a Hatchet, the story would have been flat. However you are able to convey a logic that that bad guys in real life don't think they are doing anything wrong. Many do in fact think they are doing the Lord's work so the set up here was both shocking and perfect! It laid out a great foundation for a story that was a page turner.
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thanks for reading/reviewing! glad you liked it! :)
 
"On the porch, the headless Ms. Lucy
drops the infant from her arms."

it took me a couple quick re-reads to figure out why ms. lucy was suddenly headless. as a technical aside, decapitating someone with a rifle shot would be very hard to accomplish with rifles available in the 1800's. a shotgun would be much more believable. as a further aside, i'm not sure you want to mention "headless", that seems a little bit overdone, IMO. a point blank bullet through the head of a nice lady is terrible enough...

"SALOON GIRL
Whatever, Mama. Have yourself a
drink and loosen up."

...sounds too contemporary.


i liked this. especially the last scene. reminded me of the movie "frailty".
 
arroway said:
"On the porch, the headless Ms. Lucy
drops the infant from her arms."

it took me a couple quick re-reads to figure out why ms. lucy was suddenly headless. as a technical aside, decapitating someone with a rifle shot would be very hard to accomplish with rifles available in the 1800's. a shotgun would be much more believable. as a further aside, i'm not sure you want to mention "headless", that seems a little bit overdone, IMO. a point blank bullet through the head of a nice lady is terrible enough...

"SALOON GIRL
Whatever, Mama. Have yourself a
drink and loosen up."

...sounds too contemporary.


i liked this. especially the last scene. reminded me of the movie "frailty".
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i should have said shotgun... you are correct. i was thinking of a shotgun. grr... but i like the visual of a headless woman nursing a baby... though (as i have said), i am twisted so... lol... i suppose a bullet through the head with a rifle would have worked as well... ;)

i agree with the saloon line... a couple of people mentioned this. good call.

i will have to look up frailty, then. glad you liked it! thanks!

jamie :beer:
 
i just looked up frailty... i have actually seen that, but i couldn't stand it so i had forgotten about it... haha... now i'm not sure if you liked my script or not...lol ...kidding! ;)
 
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