FOR YOUR PROTECTION - Jonathan Killoran

[MrKilloran]

Unfortunately I didn't understand the story and as others have said, the audio is probably the worst part of your film. That, however is fixeable. Just re-record everything with a boom mic and match the voices and you're golden. You did have some very good visuals here, which shows you have the eye. Add some polish with the audio, tighten up a little of the editing on the action stuff, like when the guy gets grabbed and gets in the car and drives off and you'll great improve your film. Oh, one other thing I've got to mention - the girl in the red dress at the end - Um, yeah, very nice.

I'll be sure to clean up the audio and add a little more depth to the conspiracy / Mark & Abby's relationship to make a stronger story and I'll be sure to cut those scenes a little tighter.

As for the red dress, yes she is quite fashionable. :grin:

 

[Darkline]

I mean, not a great lot to keep the story contained but a brief shot or two would add some great stuff. The threat is that they live ignorantly while this corporation slowly gains control of everything, sort of what happens before that one big war that allows totalitarian future societies to take over.

This is a difficult one, as I think you want to leave the specifics of the threat open, while at the same time try to give the audience a sense that control is being taken from them. If your theme here is people losing free will of their own lives, then you might need something to show that. But you're saying you don't want to make the short much longer, so be careful not to include another plot strand. If you want to keep this very general, I'd suggest maybe an intro piece. Something that acts as a catalyst before the meeting in the car park.

To me, the title 'for your own protection' is important here as you're saying the public are being deceived because these cameras have a dual purpose, planted as one thing, used as another. So I think that's where I'd focus. Hinting at the possible misuse of camera v socitey or protection v infringement.

If you want to remain unspecific, you could just bung on an into sequence that shows 'acts' being caught on film. All shot from CCTV. You should start with acts that are intended purpose, say a couple of youths vandalising a wall caught on CCTV, and these progress or decrease rather to a stalking of a single individual, an invasion of privacy. The man going to the car park feels like he's being watched by these cameras by the end of the sequence.

I know you don't want to add anything to the end. But this is where your theme should be the most clear and I think where you should be hammering the nail. One suggestion could be a final sequence of maybe the girl returning home to her house after the meeting and after her betrayal, turns the TV on, winds down for the night, and goes to the bedroom window to grab the curtains. Across the street she sees a camera looking directly back at her into her bedroom. Camera POV : zoomed in right on her. She pauses, tenses, and drags the curtain across the camera view to black. This would not add too much, but also show her duality/emotion more of whether she has done the right thing here. Even the people in on it are not free from it's control.

Sorry for the rant there, but just tossing a few ideas into it.

 

[Chris_Keaton]

....... The threat is that they live ignorantly while this corporation slowly gains control of everything,.....

Are you trying to make statement about our current political situation?

 

[Marlon Ladd]

I'll be sure to clean up the audio and add a little more depth to the conspiracy / Mark & Abby's relationship to make a stronger story and I'll be sure to cut those scenes a little tighter.

As for the red dress, yes she is quite fashionable. :grin:

Cool, because I think this is a piece with potential.

 

[MrKilloran]

Are you trying to make statement about our current political situation?

ha... no.... :huh: what would give you that idea... YOU KNOW TOO MUCH!

Sorry for the rant there, but just tossing a few ideas into it.

Feel free to rant away. I appreciate all the input I can get and I really like the idea of showing these random acts and then cutting into the camera view, it's a great idea that I'm probably going to end up using (stealing :grin.