When You Have It All

Thanks for the comments, guys. If anyone really feels this is a serious script, then they need to see a doctor!

You can argue that there is no reason to make the deal. But this is a guy who likes to win, and enjoys making others suffer in the process, so not to win is devostating... A quick fix for his damaged soul sounds like a good deal to him.
 
I first read the opening dialog and thought 'what the hell kind of steaming pile of cliche dialog', then I realized that's what you were going for. This was an entertaining piece that didn't take itself too seriously. Good Job!
 
I think the humor was lost on me. Should have known when you did the "Et Tu"
part - sigh. I did like "running away with the mechanic" part. Hey, a guy who
either cooks or fixes car, we girls are there!
 
Charli said:
I think the humor was lost on me. Should have known when you did the "Et Tu"
part - sigh. I did like "running away with the mechanic" part. Hey, a guy who
either cooks or fixes car, we girls are there!
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Yes, I think from the past Fest, Charli, that we have a totally different sense of humour. That's fine :thumbsup:.
 
Everything, except for any contradictory statements that I didn't read. So pick a side and I'm on it. :D

Seriously, I agree with Charli to a point in that I feel that you tried to induce humor with cliche's. The thing was that they weren't clever uses of cliche's. Just cliches. So despite the comedy of it all, it's still just a lot of overused devices (didn't want to say cliche again).

I still laughed at it, so it wasn't lost on me, and I'm not one of those critical shits thats all about being poignant and precise, but I think you could have done more...no, not more...better.

So I'm neutral. I didn't love it, didn't hate, but I don't think I wasted the five minutes it took to read it, either.
 
Wham Bam thank you DarkElastic hehe!! I believe 'romp' is the term I'm looking for - this is an irreverent, brash, slap you in the face and take your pocket money kind of script! Hehe if that makes sense? I for one enjoyed this cliche-tastic un-PC thrill-ride. The phallic horn - hehe - of COURSE!!!

Ps. Apologies if you meant this as a serious, poe-faced, commentary on the individualism rampant in modern society. :)
 
Sarah Daly said:
Ps. Apologies if you meant this as a serious, poe-faced, commentary on the individualism rampant in modern society. :)
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Of course, how come people aren't seeing this Sarah?!?!?!?!?
Within it's context, it portrays modern man and his dependant upon vices, evil vices that are turning him into a minion of the Devil, signing his soul over for petty advances upon his fellow man. And once everyone has signed their souls over, we go back to the dark ages!!!!

MUHahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Nah, I just like to be involved and am too busy to come up with anything worth while, at this point in time. Hopefully, next Fest I will have a decent run at it.
Thanks for reviewing and glad it made you laugh, as that is the main point of this script... Actually, it's its only point!!!
 
Hey Dark, I'm a nube to DVXuser... =)

Some thoughts: The action was a bit choppy meaning it slowed me down reading. The slug "Middle of Nowhere" was a bit vague for a location scout, "Desolate Road" or something might work... I noticed you re-state that it's the middle of nowhere in the action below, no need too, we already know, unless you do change it, in which case I will STFU. =)

The dialogue seemed a bit forced to me. Like it was someone reading, not really talking. Then, like Keaton, I realized you were effing with me. Ha ha haha!!! NICE JOB!

Stan was funny and a nice little relief.

On that, I noticed he still had some "R's" though... If you make the rules of the world and a guy can't pronounce "R's" then he probably wouldn't say, "Our" or "Area" or "Broke" - Page 5 (PDF #'s)

Also noticed the lack of punctuation on the "Mr" -- Which, if he can't pronounce "R's" he wouldn't be able to say anyway. It would probably be something like "Meestah" or "Mistah" or something...

The device of that particular strip of nowhere being possessed by the devil, can work but I feel it needs to be set up. Krest had the right idea on his crit.
I absolutely peed myself when Craig says "Sorry Jason, and poo poo you." Ha ha ha!!!! Can I have another plate of that? =)
I like how you showed Jason starting off with his rejection and in denial of it, arrogant and his arc towards the realization, that, he is a tool.

Some really kick ass stuff in this script. Good work.
 
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Thanks for the review Ant,

Yes, there are things that I missed, and that is the problem of not giving my self enough time to do a thorough check.

I was more concerned about format with this one, and thanks for the tips. I am assuming as most havn't commented on the format, it is fine. I really just wanted to keep the numbers up and keep involved. I'm hoping to have more time next fest to come up with something worth while.
 
This is one wild story. I didn't see it coming with his girlfriend and the mechanic. Good job! There were a few formatting question marks I had. The location Middle Of Nowhere could be more descriptive like Route 66 or similar. I'm assuming you will be directing this because of the split screen action. If your not, this should be left to the director and editor but that's just my opinion. INTERCUT could be used here.

The china man Stan's dialog still included some R's. However, I got the comedic point.

I was into the story until the devil showed up. Jason didn't flinch and wasn't even surprised like it happens all the time (unless I missed something).
 
Thanks for reading Quincy,

Yes, there's plenty of problems with this... Not enough time given to adjusting before uploading I'm afraid.

The ending, and Jason's lack of surprise is based on his character. The guy is a complete arse who has lost everything, but will never learn. He was also told earlier that this area is posessed by the Devil. The guy is just void of normal good human emotions, but has plenty of the bad ones. Probably could do with something else in there to reinforce this.
 
hey dark,
i laughed. this was funny.
a lot of this will be repetition, but i'll say it anyway. i really liked the details you included about jason (the sunglasses, the music), they very successfully painted him as a huge douchebag. also, your inclusion of the woman's hand closing craig's phone was great. even though it was obvious it was vicky, it foreshadows the betrayal which made me want to continue reading.
it read smoothly for me, and i liked the dialogue. hope his horn was longer than 6"...
 
EXT. JASON AND VICTORIA’S HOME - DAY
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This slugline is odd given we have yet to meet either of the people mentioned in it. I think it would be more worthwhile to describe what kind of house it is than who it belongs to which should be obvious with the proceeding action.

Horrible pompous music blares out of the car speakers.
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This took me out of the story wondering what "pompous music" was. Hipster music? But that doesn't seem like the kind of music your main character would listen to...

JASON
Et tu Brute, poo pooer!
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Heh, I almost included an "Et Tu" reference too.

Jason reaches the phone and reads the name BALL & CHAIN.
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lol

Jason sits against his vehicle, upon the grass.
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This is worded strangely.

DEVIL
Ow. poo poo.
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lol, great first line for Satan.


Overall, despite some nice moments and bits of comedy, i didn't really "get" the story. A conceited douchebags car breaks down alongside a deserted road, makes a deal with the devil only to get a big transparent cock-horn on his forehead? Everything seems a little bit random and independent of everything else...
 
arroway said:
This took me out of the story wondering what "pompous music" was. Hipster music? But that doesn't seem like the kind of music your main character would listen to...
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Let's just say, it was lost in translation between a Brit and a Yank.

arroway said:
Overall, despite some nice moments and bits of comedy, i didn't really "get" the story. A conceited douchebags car breaks down alongside a deserted road, makes a deal with the devil only to get a big transparent cock-horn on his forehead? Everything seems a little bit random and independent of everything else...
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Exactly. :beer:
 
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