SLAVE MOON - by Chris Keaton

I must confess I do hate Sci-fi westerns (usually) Its just such an American idiosyncracy to project the peculiarities of the wild west period into the future. My Scottish equivelant would be a sci fi world where we herd hairy cattle with silver gravity boots and eat fusion haggis fighting in clans etc.

;) That said I really enjoyed your script it was lots of fun and had me guessing througout about the motives of your lead. The dialogue was amusing (And while i felt i was a little too much on Tatooine) it was a solid and amusing entry.

I think perhaps the action near the end coulld be a little more poetic - a bit too much thug 5 and thug 13 etc! Oooh Oooh can i play thug 8!

White was a good character, the aliens (native americans) all worked well. So my joking aside, i commend you on pulling off an enjoyable and exciting sci-fi western themed adventure.
 
Hey there Mister Keaton!

An enoyable, imaginative romp. You have defined a very specific story world and it's solid and exciting and it works. However, at times your (excellent) imagination can run riot a little and I felt like some of the beasts/characters existed purely because they were a cool concept rather than to progress the story.

Overall though, a great little slice of adventure from a very likable and dare I say it, cool, character.

A little disjointed, but slick, good fun and fantastically cinematic. It left me wanting to see more of this guy.

So, basically, good job Chris!!!
 
Well this was certainly a wild trip (in a good way).

Loved the imagination here but I do agree with Sarah that, sometimes, it was just a little much.

That having been said, I liked the main character and the dialogue. I found the banter between Pik and the desert rats especially amusing.

Also enjoyed the names you thought up - Damtok, Pik, Marstill, Martok. If there were a prize for best names, you'd win hands down.

Throughout this as all these wild and wacky characters/animals were popping up I couldn't help but be reminded of Star Wars. Not in a rip-off sort of way or anything but just in a similar vein of existance.

Anyway, overall it was a wild and enjoyable read. Good job.
 
Hi Chris, now firstly, I'm new to scriptwriting and also not a fan of Sci-fi... it gets better. But I could see a situ where my son and I(I'm 60 next year) might watch a Sci-fi movie on his suggestion. Your script would have me rapt within a couple of mins!!! I thought it was excellent, very imaginative. Won't go into the wee grey aliens too much... it's a minefield of conspiracy theories. Congrats on a well concieved story well written!
 
Hi Chris, I've just read your script and enjoyed it.

I can't really add much to this. It was good fun and a distant planet. It has been done before, but I still enjoyed it.
As said, all the thugs did get a little annoying, but didn't distract too much.
Your main characters are very good, white and pik especially.

Overall, a good script. Well done.
 
i like sci-fi, so this script was a fun read. you did a good job with it.

the sandbull with four horns was a cool creature, and i like the idea of a slave hunter going from one planet to another. even though the beings were not specifically like those in star wars, i did tend to picture a star wars type film. which isn't a bad thing in anyway (my dog's name is jedi ;)... but it has been done, of course.

you definitely had a lot going on. a lot of action and an interesting plot. i agree that i could have done without the thugs... the dessert rats seemed to suffice as the villains without the thugs. also, i couldn't really sympathize with a slave hunter, but i like how he changes towards the aliens and decides to leave them alone.

i would have liked to see a little less of the action scene and a little more of the interaction between white and the aliens... especially with the alien boy... that would have been interesting.

nice work! :)

jamie
 
I had fun reading this script. I could really envision the world that you created. Your descriptions were concise and the story was paced really well.
The tension of White pinned under the sandbull was excellent.

The dialogue was written well, especially the banter between White and the Rats.

I like action, but as stated by Jamie , I think it would've benefited from a little less of the final shootout and a little more interaction between White and the aliens to make it more personal. I also agree with Lawrie with the Thug part of the shootout, Thug 7 shoots. Thug 4 falls. It started to feel like reading a technical manual.

Its a nice turn of events when we find out that the aliens that helped him were the same he was hunting. It raises questions about morality when we find out that Martok knew he was a hunter all along and then of course White has to make a choice too. Nice storylines.

Overall a really entertaining script that kept me interested til the end.
 
I started reading and liked it. Then the twin suns. Huh? Oh, the heat's making him see double, that's it. Then the remote and the space craft...shi*.

SciFi Western. Well, I was afraid for a minute there, this wouldn't quite pull it out but in the end it did. I'd consider this a western in the same way you could consider the original Star Trek a western. It's a bit of a push but I'll go with it.

Overall I thought you did a good job creating a world that gelled with the old west feel, even if it was on an alien planet in the future. The dialogue was good and tight. The pacing was good and the story moved quickly. Where I felt you fell down was with all the Thugs...1, 2, 3, 4 et al. I got lost in the action and it slowed the reading. I thought we had the four thugs earlier as he killed them off one by one and then all of a sudden there are another four thugs. It got a bit confusing. I'm sure on the screen this would have been a bit more clear but that didn't make it any easier to read.

I'm not that big a fan of SciFi Western. I like my SciFi, SciFi and my Westerns, wild wild west but you did a good job on this and I can appreciate the writing so there's certainly going to be no penalizing you for it. Now I'm off to watch another episode of MY favorite SciFi series, Space: Above and Beyond.

Kudos, good job.
 
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Blaine said:
I started reading and liked it. Then the twin suns. Huh? Oh, the heat's making him see double, that's it. Then the remote and the space craft...shi*.

SciFi Western. Well, I was afraid for a minute there, this wouldn't quite pull it out but in the end it did. I'd consider this a western in the same way you could consider the original Star Trek a western. It's a bit of a push but I'll go with it.

Overall I thought you did a good job creating a world that gelled with the old west feel, even if it was on an alien planet in the future. The dialogue was good and tight. The pacing was good and the story moved quickly. Where I felt you fell down was with all the Thugs...1, 2, 3, 4 et al. I got lost in the action and it slowed the reading. I thought we had the four thugs earlier as he killed them off one by one and then all of a sudden there are another four thugs. It got a bit confusing. I'm sure on the screen this would have been a bit more clear but that didn't make it any easier to read.

I'm not that big a fan of SciFi Western. I like my SciFi, SciFi and my Westerns, wild wild west but you did a good job on this and I can appreciate the writing so there's certainly going to be no penalizing you for it. Now I'm off to watch another episode of MY favorite SciFi series, Space: Above and Beyond.

Kudos, good job.
Click to expand...

Thanks everyone for your comments. I obviously have to clean up the gun fight.

But 'Space: Above and Beyond'.? Seriously that was one of the most awesome Sci-Fi series ever! But hardly anyone remembers it. Farscape almost made me forget about it, but then I always remember that dog fight with the alien red baron.
 
Chris_Keaton said:
Thanks everyone for your comments. I obviously have to clean up the gun fight.

But 'Space: Above and Beyond'.? Seriously that was one of the most awesome Sci-Fi series ever! But hardly anyone remembers it. Farscape almost made me forget about it, but then I always remember that dog fight with the alien red baron.
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Abandon All Hope - Chiggy Von Richthoven/
I have the complete series and just finished three episodes tonight. The last one I watched was Sugar Dirt where they're left on the landing strip for months while the fleet goes to conquer Ixion. Pretty intense stuff. I will see the final two episodes tomorrow, then I'll put it away for another four or five months and watch it again. It's an incredibly well done series that seems to have been before its time. It's a great example of how to lay out a season of scripts. While each one is complete in and of itself, they all build on what went before them. It's also interesting to see how they devoted an episode to each member of the 57th so that we really get to know what makes each one tick. Oh well, so much for S:AAB. Time to get back to the scripts.
 
Hi again! Just been reading Jamiejay's feedback on you script... feel the need to add - me too - Star War type critters popped into my head, and the remained for the rest of the script reading.
Maybe a few less action baddies and a bit more exploration of the white/grey alien relationship and an eerier atmosphere...
 
So the amount of imagination in this was off the charts! There were a lot of things done really well here. At the end we learn what White was after ( and it was cool). We get to see White go through a change and become compassionate and more likable. There was a great opening scene plus some fantastic dialogue going with Pik and the the Desert Rats when they found White under that Sandbull. Plus there was a Sandbull! If I had anything to suggest it would be that I got a bit lost in the action at the end but even there I can see where it would look cool on film. Nice!
 
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Cool. A Sci-Fi Western thats very imaginative and your descriptions were good. Just try to organize these characters and creatures... what is there to progress the story and what is there jsut to gnaw away at scenery and look cool?

Got lost in the action ... Desert Rat 1,2,3 and Thug 1, 2... the count just climbs up and gets very confusing. They're just cannon fodder. It didn't feel personal.

It was interesting and I like how the morality of it played out, Nice work.
 
It is extremely tough to convey a sci-fi with characters and setting only you are familiar with within a short script.

You did a great job to get the visuals across in great detail and fairly economically. Full marks to you for that.

However, this does lean a bit heavily on the sci-fi and the western takes a bit of a backseat.

I can feel you trimming away bits here, adding elements there to achieve a balance. And for most of the time it works. The pacing is essentially an issue for me on this one.

The opening is languid, beautiful and just right. The bit with the Sandbull is perfect.

The raiders however take too long with him and are more like Punk Scavengers than real badasses.

It's like Mad Max in a way, you know they're so dead, it becomes inevitable that if they live now, they're gonna die later.

Also, if it is a sandy desert would the footsteps sound on gravel? A detail like that pulled me out.

Also distracting was his side-arm. How many did he have? Pik took one off him. Did he have another?

And finally, the language the Aliens speak in. White being an experienced Slave hunter should know their language. Even Han Solo understood some alien lingo though he didn't speak any. I'd like for him to know that.

The action sequence has the shoot by numbers bad guys, which is fun but gets even paced after Bad guy # 4 dies.

My advice. Have him dispose of a few at the same time. For example, Three Raiders man a laser turret on their pickup. White blows the gas tank. You know something like that.

Love the end and the characters and think this is a pretty good sc-ifi Western. Original and memorable.

All the best.
 
Hi Chris...you asked for my thoughts so I've written quite a bit and I hope you take it as a constructive critique.

I'm late in here and a lot of ground (or is that sand) has already been covered.

I'll echo some of it....the shoot by numbers action sequences got repetitive. (You've probably already figured by now I'm not a great action affectionado), the character names are great but I especially like your replacement of the offensive "smeg" work with "dreck". That's a real hoot.

Personally I'm not too worried about the space setting and I must be the only person that doesn't think Star Wars when seeing/reading such material. My main impression of star wars (the bits I've seen anyway) is that it hangs a bit more like a sword fighting movie. All that light sabre deulling bullsh*t on some impossibly high platform. People love this? If it weren't for Hans Solo and a couple of cute robots that film had nuthin.

A couple of things that confused me.

They healed him with a blue glow from a disc and they had blue disks in their arms. I began wondering if they were the same thing. If not, and I'm assuming they are not, then it could emit a different colour while repairing white's injuries so as dummies like me don't get confused. (obviously visuals are going to set it staight when filmed)

They "dive into the oasis". At first I thought you meant the actual water or whatever liquid it was but then assumed you just meant the village itself.

Why didn't they take the gun off White when they bought him back home? It's one thing to assume people are OK but it's another to let a stranger reside in your house with a lethal weapon at their reach. This worried me a bit, but most of these scripts have some plot holes, mine included.

It's a bit like most films where the villain captures the hero and then devises an eloborate plan/machine/method to kill the hero while he goes of somewhere else. Why not just play it safe and kill them easily. In this case play it safe and take the weapon away.

While well written and effectively creating another world I was still wondering to what ends. Creating conflict for the "anti-hero" in that he must decide if he morally owes them anything seems to be the answer, but it's a bit difficult to build enough tension in that area in a short script, so I wasn't that invested in the outcome.

Hope this doesn't read too critical as overall it wasn't too bad at all and I was kept going until the end, just not totally convinced but then again you can take heart in that you can join George Lucas on that list.

Cheers.
 
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