Pupae

Very impressive... I felt the story was logical and had no problems. It's rare for me to read any fiction and not feel annoyed at the filler... but this was solid content. I didn't have any problems with the details, as I could see everything playing out accordingly in my mind.

Thanks for a good read.

It felt like Pohl Anderson meets 1984... which is pretty good company to be in.
 
Redcloak said:
And unless I'm very much mistaken, Neanderthals and the Cro-Magnon co-existed and don't follow in the evolutionary process. I think the Neanderthals were in fact made extinct by them... We are descended from the homo-sapiens side of things I think, although someone else is probably better placed to confirm that.
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I did struggle with this a little (and Mike is correct as to their contemporaneous relationship) and since it was only two-hundred years that had passed, I went for the two closest possibilites. The memory sticks aren't going to last as long as clay tablets, so I needed a short devolutionary relationship.

I suppose some could (and will) argue Cro-magnon couldn't devolve to Neanderthal since they were from two different branches, say like a wolf and a huskie.

But hey, this is film.

Thank you for the read and comments.

aw
 
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Michael Anthony Horrigan said:
Alex, this was poo pooing brilliant. 10 Stars!
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Thanks for the kind words, Mike.

This was a lot of fun to write, and since it really isn't my genre of choice, I had to walk away from it a number of times before finishing the final draft - and we all know that in standard English, FINAL does mean finished, but in screen writing final means something quite different.

Judging from what I have seen of your work, I'd love for you to do this film. Start reading FX books!

alex
 
MattinSTL said:
It felt like Pohl Anderson meets 1984... which is pretty good company to be in.
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Do you mean Poul?

Yes, good company indeed. One can always aspire to master the craft like that. Someday maybe, so long as the wine is cheap.

Thanks for the read, Matt. Much appreciated.

alex
 
Very solid piece of writing Alex. Visual and well matched to Sci-Fi.

I had to read it twice as I was unsure why they didn't go after him before hand.

For me I would open on a close up of a mosquito sucking blood. Also maybe a mention of people going missing, sense of dread/fear throughout.

But just me. Well written and captivating story, especially for six pages. Looks like I started with a strong piece, but wanted to read this since you posted the logline.

Great work and good luck with it.
 
I must have been glued to the script, because it felt very clear to me... the missing of the first hints, the point of extra hair, and I especially like how I got the "prequel" buzz at the end... where you realize that history is repeating itself... in pseudo-reverse. Very cool... loved it.

I wish I could give you a couple of my ideas and have you script them for me... or maybe just swap brains for a day.
 
Very well done! I haven't read the other comments because I didn't want my views tainted or filtered in any way, so forgive me if any of this has already been addressed.

Very original and interesting. A good read! But I had a few issues with it....

Hunched laborers are toiling in the soil, but the lemon trees are 'in the distance'. So what are the laborers directly toiling at? Or with? Are they just digging dirt to prepare a new field, or what? I was unclear.

"...a haggard and hairy man with an eye for detail..." I'm always bothered by descriptions like "with an eye for detail". It doesn't seem to be something that can be immediately conveyed to an audience. "haggard" and "hairy" will both be obvious to the audience when they see the man, so they are appropriate descriptions. It seems to me that if you want to convey to the audience that he has an eye for detail, then you do that through his actions, not through description. But maybe that's just me.

"A voice -- HYAPATIA's voice -- startles him." Seems repetitive. I probably would have written "HYAPATIA's voice startles him." Or "A voice (HYAPATIA) startles him."

I have a little bit of a hard time believing a single lemon could run an electronic projector contraption, but maybe that's because I don't have a solid grasp of how technologically advanced that piece of equipment is. I equate it to a Super-8 movie projector, which would require way more 'juice' (pardon the pun.) But you were constrained by the 6-page count -- this could be explored and explained better in a longer script.

The watching of and listening to the fragments was VERY interesting! I don't know why he needed to switch to another lemon, though -- nothing indicated the first one was running out of 'juice'.

The next scene -- INT. CELL MEMORY SWITCHBOARD -- leaves me confused. With almost no description at all, and no reference point, I am simply unable to envision what you see in your mind that this place should look like. A bit of general description to set the scene would have been helpful to me.

"The child dissipates"??? I'm not sure what that means.

"William is zapped to smithereens." This line seems out of place and not adequately descriptive to me.

Okay, that's it. I tend to be very analytical, as you can tell. :) But a VERY good story. Very interesting, creative, a good read. Congrats!

David
 
chapelgrovefilms said:
I hope I wasn't too critical or nitpicky
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Not at all. Excellent observations.

First question (I have no idea how you guys do those multiple quote boxes)

''So what are the laborers directly toiling at?''

Preparing soil for planting.

''I have a little bit of a hard time believing a single lemon could run an electronic projector contraption''

With today's technology, not really. I'm thinking future where microchips needing very little power, and maybe improved conductivity could one day make it possible, Maybe!

''The next scene -- INT. CELL MEMORY SWITCHBOARD -- leaves me confused''

I sure would have liked another line or two for this. You're right.

''The child dissipates"??? I'm not sure what that means.''

The image slowlt disintigrates.

"William is zapped to smithereens." This line seems out of place and not adequately descriptive to me.''

Maybe not the best choice of words. I'll revisit that.


The read is very much appreciated.

alex
 
I just posted a similar comment about the quote boxes. I can't figure it out either!

And I think this post makes me a Senior Member! Party time! Cake anyone? :birthdays::beer:
 
Hey Alex, this is really nice. I like the whole world you create right off the bat. I also like the gradual release of information, each piece building on the last.


*************************SPOILERS****************************


I have a SUPER TINY nit-pick which might just be due to time. When the Sumerian Scribe says to the other one: "Why must we write what's not true." it feels a little off. Like if you had more pages, I think you could easily have taken the time to draw us into the Sumerian world a little more and give a series of images to get the point across. I don't know what those are, but the line feels like something he would not say to his partner, but something he would say only to give us information: exposition. And it stands out, because you show so much restraint throughout the rest of the piece in only describing images and actions.

Again, a SUPER-TINY nitpick.

I love the stuff with the mosquitoes.

I'm not entirely sure what's going on. I don't mind that because the piece is really compelling. But I'm not exactly sure what the watchers are up to.

We see the Sumerians, who are in the past. But are we to think that they were MORE evolved than the current people? This is my presumption from the last scene. That the watchers somehow devolve humans every time humans get close to the truth. But if that's the case, there's the contraption William has, which obviously shows a furthered evolution. A Sumerian would not even be able to wrap his head around the concepts involved in that gadget.

Again, I don't totally mind being confused, as I keep thinking about it and trying to work it out. I like that in a film.

Or am I just way off?
 
Mark Harris said:
Or am I just way off?
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Man did you miss it. This is about two guys that went fishing!

!!

Agree on the tiny nitpik. I need to revisit that.

My idea was that the watchers are the perenial evil doers that want to control humanity, and have for thousands of years looked for a way to create a slave class. The scribe knew then, and warned of it.

Now with modern technologies, the ''prophecy'' is coming true. Hypatia and William are the first generation in select devolution.

Yeah, I'd love to develop the Sumerian angle a little, and add some translations to what the Scribe is really talking about. There is much more to it, but hey - six pages!! Did the best I could!

Really appreciate the cread and comments.

alex
 
Great script! I still have a lot more to read, but this is one of my early favorites. Would love to see you develop it further and to see it made.

Lots of great detail and originality. It's been said, but the mosquitos are brilliant.

I personally preferred this to your last Scriptfest entry.

This line:
WILLIAM
****. I think we need to find out what’s really on these tablets.

Didn't work for me. Seems forced, and a bit too modern.

One idea: I love the music that's worked in throughout the script. I think it'd be cool if it played into the climax. Perhaps as he rips out the memory sticks to give to Hypatia, he inadvertently starts some fractured music. The music plays over William's death, etc. until the machine is destroyed, then the music finally stops.
 
Hey Jason,

A most excellent thought on the music at the end. I'll tinker with that. Also agree on the sh-t line. Doesn't belong in this script.

I really appreciate your reading it!

Alex
 
alex whitmer said:
Man did you miss it. This is about two guys that went fishing!

!!

Agree on the tiny nitpik. I need to revisit that.

My idea was that the watchers are the perenial evil doers that want to control humanity, and have for thousands of years looked for a way to create a slave class. The scribe knew then, and warned of it.

Now with modern technologies, the ''prophecy'' is coming true. Hypatia and William are the first generation in select devolution.
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So that's what I didn't really get. I don't think there is enough info in the Sumerian stuff to give me that. And I did not put it together from the marching forth of the Chembots.

I guess I assumed that the a similar marching of the chembots was what got the Sumerian.

So if selective devolution is the new tactic, what were the old tactics the Watchers had? Was that the "Writing things that are not true?" They used mis-information through religion or whatever, to hide their existence?

Also, what is their goal? I don't think it needs to be in the script, but I think you need to lock it down a little more in your head, if you haven't. The slave class stuff is kind of generic. Slaves for what? "Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!"

Also, are the watchers humans as well, thus did not have technology in Sumerian times? Or are they aliens? I thought aliens at first, but since you wrote that above, I now think hey are just some other humans.
 
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