Pupae

Mark Harris said:
So that's what I didn't really get. I don't think there is enough info in the Sumerian stuff to give me that. And I did not put it together from the marching forth of the Chembots.

I guess I assumed that the a similar marching of the chembots was what got the Sumerian.

So if selective devolution is the new tactic, what were the old tactics the Watchers had? Was that the "Writing things that are not true?" They used mis-information through religion or whatever, to hide their existence?

Also, what is their goal? I don't think it needs to be in the script, but I think you need to lock it down a little more in your head, if you haven't. The slave class stuff is kind of generic. Slaves for what? "Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos!"

Also, are the watchers humans as well, thus did not have technology in Sumerian times? Or are they aliens? I thought aliens at first, but since you wrote that above, I now think hey are just some other humans.
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I believe they are Humans but Alex can obviously answer that much better than I.

I'm so intrigued by this story, I would love some of Mark's questions to be answered in a longer draft. Great stuff!

I'll be getting around to everyone's entries over the weekend.

Cheers,

Mike
 
Mark Harris said:
I think you need to lock it down a little more in your head, if you haven't.
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There is much more to it, and more or less locked in my head, and I would like to develp this story to encompass it. I won't discuss it in a public forum, however, especially since there appears to be about 4 lurkers to every participant.

I'll be happy to share it with you PM.

Yeah, I know there are unanswered questions, and 7 pages probably could have fixed that, 8 would have been better!!

Couse, if we apply the darwinian theory to screen writing , 8 pages would have only created more unaswered questiions!

alex
 
For some reason, I loved any scene that had lemons. Just a cool idea! Seriously.

This was a solid script, the only issue I had with it is that I'm not sure how they could make someone de-evolve. Was it happening through the mosquitos? (which was cool, by the way) What was causing them to de-evolve?

This also has a lot of potential for some cool art and production value. Well done!
 
I thought this was brilliant. I loved the world you created. I really cared about the characters and what was going to happen to them. The mosquitos, the lemons, great stuff.

The sh*t and the smithereens words felt out of place, but you've already replied to that. I think the only reason smithereens felt out of place was the rest of your script was so descriptive.

The idea of de-evolution was great. I really liked how everything came back around with Hypatia running out with the memory sticks and them being found again.

If they are de-evolving, I assume this means their capacity for intelligence will decrease. So would a cro-magnon man be able to use the technology that's available? The Neanderthal would have the intelligence to figure out what a memory stick is?

It seems the script has everyone thinking, which is a good thing.
Your writing is just top notch, a great script.
 
Wow. I read one of your other scripts (on another forum) and I remember think that you had the technical skill of scriptwriting down pat, but this is on a whole other level. Seriously, your scriptwriting is out of this universe. You could write about an accountant doing taxes for two weeks and I would read it.

As for content, I loved this (I didn't quite get your previous script I read). The world, character, ideas are all very well developed and you have a fascinating story. I loved the way technology is very advanced and yet not obtrusive in the rural world.

About the only glitch I had with the script, was that it was a bit complex for a quick read (and therefore unsuitable as a shooting script). But then again you managed to fit an unbelievable amount of content into 6 pages. Made my struggles with the 6 page limit seem puerile.

Thank you for the read. Well done and good luck for the competition. You're definitely one of the contenders.
 
ghalied said:
I loved the way technology is very advanced and yet not obtrusive in the rural world.
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This was an important concept I was shooting for. I wanted to show a dichotomy of realities.

The Scribe deal was partly to highlight the fact that no matter the tools or technology, things never really change.


alex
 
The lemons didn't bother me at all, I thought they were entirely appropriate given the level of technology in the script and the current trends in miniaturization, micro-circuitry, and superconductivity/power optimization. An average lemon has about 1 volt of potential. A standard D-cell is 1.5 volts and my cell phone batery is 3.7V, so given a couple hundred years, I think it's entirely plausible. Of course that completely ignores the fact that most modern electronic devices need a much higher current than a single lemon could provide, but hey, it's the future we're talking about right? I'd just play the "room-temp super conductor" card if asked.
What did bother me (aside from some of the evolutionary theory utilized and already mentioned, in part), was the idea that slave laborers would have any idea how to wire a lemon as a power source. How many of the non-de-evolved humans reading this post (and therefor capable of, at least, the mental capacity to use a modern computer) could wire lemons to light up a single LED?
Minor logic and theory problems aside, it was a great read. The fact is that I can accept the story, the characters, and the world in which the action takes place, and I would probably not be too nit-picky in the actual viewing of the finished film -provided the production value was on par with the (very high) level of the writing.
 
Thank you, Majikfraug, for the read and kind words.

I think your take on future super-conductivity and such are right on the money. Some of it will come out of a need to conserve. Someday all the petroleum and natural gas will be gone, but we'll still have sunshine and lemons!!

I'm working this into a little bit longer version/story and will address the de-evolution issues then. I have a few ideas on how the watchers overlooked one important detail.

I guess I'm from the generation where lemon experiments were done in the 5th grade, and potato clocks in the 6th. I suppose now it's how to get your gameboy to run on the acids found in pepsi, and lemon technology has been forgotten.

Again, appreciate the read.
 
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hey, i'm finally getting back to you... sorry.

anyway, like i said - you know the rules and you follow them. i couldn't critique format if i wanted to (not that you need it), so onto the story...

great concept. i can tell you really thought about it a lot, and from the discussion, i take it there's still a lot more to be told.

writing... i can also tell you're having fun, that you really enjoy the creative part of working in such a structured environment. plus, your experience shows.

thank you for your detailed critiques on all the scripts. i know i appreciate the feedback and suggestions. i replied to some of your comments over in my thread for 'the vanishing'.

can't wait for next time...

preston
 
the only technical thing I can say is that scenes need to be numbered for production simplicity. One thing I know from being on set for multiple films --producing, assistant directing, production coordinating, and script supervising-- is that the numbered scenes (just beside the slug) is that script formatting should not only include page numbers, but scene numbers, and (CONTINUED) at the bottom of the page (unless the scene is finished at that point) and # CONTINUED: on the top of the pages. It helps the actors, director, editors, and anyone else who might need to know where they are.


I realize that was repetative, but I cannot stress the simplicity it offers.

As far as the story went, I enjoyed it. The idea was a fresh look at the beginnings of man. It was a bit confusing at first where you were going with it, but the last scene 200 yrs later really brought it together and made the whole thing a little more intriguing.

Though the page limit was short, you did well with what you had and I think that (after scrptfest of course) if you wanted to keep working on it, you could add a little more with the dialog and presentation of character.
 
the only technical thing I can say is that scenes need to be numbered for production simplicity. One thing I know from being on set for multiple films --producing, assistant directing, production coordinating, and script supervising-- is that the numbered scenes (just beside the slug) is that script formatting should not only include page numbers, but scene numbers, and (CONTINUED) at the bottom of the page (unless the scene is finished at that point) and # CONTINUED: on the top of the pages. It helps the actors, director, editors, and anyone else who might need to know where they are.
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But this is only when writing shooting scripts. With spec scripts, its not required.
 
preston said:
thank you for your detailed critiques on all the scripts. i know i appreciate the feedback and suggestions.
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Welcome. I enjoy reading and commenting, and there is always something to learn from every script I read.

I appreciate your kind words.

Alex
 
alex whitmer said:
Agree, and hopefully I can address that in a 10 page version.

really appreciate the read and comments.

alex
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I loved the 6 page version and would love to see the 10 page version put me on the list now. Anyway aside from all of the nit picking done here I think we can all agree that this is a really cool, imaginative, and entertaining script. Well done.
Pauly
 
pauly_the_hitman said:
put me on the list
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Sure thing.

The hard part will be to not take away from the intended simplicity of it. There have been some really good suggestions and questions to address, so all I need now is a bottle of wine and prolonged stupor, and I'm ready to tackle it.

Thaks for the read and kind words.

Alex
 
I've got nothing to say really besides whats already been said, this was very impressive work. You're certainly an artist with excellent skills. You've got this process down to a t, and I just want to know more, if there's a longer version out there, I'm excited to see what you have to add to this story.
 
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