arroway
Well-known member
a what? why would you assume the majority of readers would have any idea how to visualize that?
oh. like...one of those. right. no really, i'm with you, please go on...
...because it's a long standing dystopian cliche and don't ask questions you little brat!
there's a lot of passive voice like this. why not say "...into a receptor transferring the blood". "is" is telling not showing. sometimes you have to use it but more often than not it's "crutch writing" which serves only to take you right out of the visual and reacquaint you with the fact that you are being told a story not seeing one in your mind's eye.
i think you should describe the "chembots" more so than just saying they are featureless which is about as boring a detail as i can think of. are they bipeds? animal-like? what? give me something to go on.
mosquitoes as spies/sample collectors doesn't seem like a very logical system seeing as how easy it is to swat them. why not nano-ticks? nano-fleas? something that could actually remain undetected for more than an hour...
yeah. 1984 was a good book, wasn't it?
why indeed. :huh:
didn't william effortlessly twist the head off one of these guys earlier? why are they such "creeping, oozing, morphing" badasses now? and if hypatia can simply out run their apparent lasers why didn't william go with her? he certainly didn't buy her any time as he's killed instantly. so why didn't the now-badass chembots simply follow the little girls footsteps out the back door and "zap her to smithereens" as well? doesn't make sense.
i like the idea of music being collected in paper and lemons used for energy even if the science behind it isn't that feasible...it's a striking visual. as for the rest it lacks logic and originality imo. i would focus on the anti-evolution/de-volution angle (which is actually fascinating and original) in future re-writes rather than the dystopian hierarchy suffocating art and keeping the masses ignorant (which is by now a well-worn cliche).
good luck with it.
