pauly_the_hitman
Veteran
Well at least I can look froward to you shredding my script. I see you are probably on pace to read it sometime next month. LOL but seriously I await your response to "The Choice".
Pauly
Pauly
Pupae
- Thread starter alex whitmer
- Start date
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Alex, If you are going to write a longer version of the script. I would love to read it. Put me on the contact list 
I think its a really good script now and would be really interested to see some of things you have mentioned integrated into the script.
I think its a really good script now and would be really interested to see some of things you have mentioned integrated into the script.
this is an excellent script. You must have lot of experience in reading and writing of stories. Great descriptions and use of words and dialogue. I liked how you embedded subtext and back story into natural flowing dialogue that didn't seem forced. Great job.
The story is simple, very sci-fi, but has a very human aspect to it, which allows your audience to relate to the characters easily. I like the way you build up the mystery and suspense, then danger, conflict, and resolution.
I feel like this could be a feature, there is a lot going on and you did a nice job of cramming it into a short.
my only critique, and this is a super minor one, is too much sci-fi elements disconected me for a bit. like in a field (where, the future, earth) who are these people, humans, aliens.. they are using strange devices to farm paper? hard to imagine what the place looks like and the devices they are using, then the holograms, sound waves.... but, again, this is the only thing that bothered me just so slightly. u did great job with describing these new sci-fi elements and putting them in context. not even sure if this can be considered and issue or not, just something that threw me off a little.
keep up the good work.
The story is simple, very sci-fi, but has a very human aspect to it, which allows your audience to relate to the characters easily. I like the way you build up the mystery and suspense, then danger, conflict, and resolution.
I feel like this could be a feature, there is a lot going on and you did a nice job of cramming it into a short.
my only critique, and this is a super minor one, is too much sci-fi elements disconected me for a bit. like in a field (where, the future, earth) who are these people, humans, aliens.. they are using strange devices to farm paper? hard to imagine what the place looks like and the devices they are using, then the holograms, sound waves.... but, again, this is the only thing that bothered me just so slightly. u did great job with describing these new sci-fi elements and putting them in context. not even sure if this can be considered and issue or not, just something that threw me off a little.
keep up the good work.
Hi Alex super script. Not much I want to comment you havent answered already actually. The one thing for me is I think some descriptions could be kept a little simpler. For example - a cheoptic hologram, I am not sure how many people in this world know exactly what that is but, wouldnt a 3D hologram be sufficient and clearer to the lay person? The only thing that I thought made this script suffer was the page limitations. I know the pain.
Captain Pierce
Veteran
You fell asleep during Star Wars?!? If you're talking about the original, now known as Episode IV, that's just unAmerican, man. (Of course, I was like seven at the time... ) OTOH, if you're talking about the prequels, I was damn near there myself...
I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, the script, right...
OK, seriously, not much I can say here that hasn't already been covered. A very technically correct script (I won't be petty and mention that you introduce "Hypatia" as "Hapatia Banze" :tongue: ) that brings the reader into a compelling world. Nicely done.
(Of course, I was like seven at the time... ) OTOH, if you're talking about the prequels, I was damn near there myself... I'm sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, the script, right...
OK, seriously, not much I can say here that hasn't already been covered. A very technically correct script (I won't be petty and mention that you introduce "Hypatia" as "Hapatia Banze" :tongue: ) that brings the reader into a compelling world. Nicely done.
STYLZ
Well-known member
Damn near perfect. Excellent story. Solid writing. Wraps up well. I was hoping that the humans were controlled entirely by robots, so the soldiers threw me off a bit. It would be cool if it were explained that they were slaves as well, working as soldiers for a little extra benefits. Anywho Great job.
alex whitmer
Veteran
Sorry for the late response. been flat on my back with some exotic tropical illness that's hard to pronounce.
William finds the paper as he works the soil with a hoe. He mentions later he found the tablets where a university once stood, so my thinking was old paper and trash got buried when the university was destroyed. He's one of those McGiver types and just knows how to make things work. He knows paper has cells, and one day discovers these cells store soundwaves. Anyways, I know there is much to explain and I am yet another victim of 6 pages.
Thank you for the read.
Alex
alex whitmer
Veteran
I wrote 3D first draft, then saw the word and really tossed around whether to use it or not. In hindsight, 3D was likely the better choice. I'm sure a few readers had to Google that one.
hey, this is supposed to be educational!!
I really appreciate the read.
alex
Michael Anthony Horrigan
More Cowbell Pictures
alex whitmer
Veteran
Seems you're the first one to see that. I sure didn't (red face).
Yeah, sorry, Star Wars was a snoozer for me. I don't usually share that because of the humiliation associated with it, but there you have it! My confession.
My GF on the other hand has seen it a million times and never tires from it.
Thank you for reading.
alex
alex whitmer
Veteran
My thinking is that only part of the human population has their clocks turned back.
Here is the philosophy behind this ...
Even with all the technology, and the ability to create any kind of machine or robot to do anything, including farm, man would still rather use that same technology to debase another person, or group of people. The euphoria is just too intoxicating.
I'm going to be expanding this one, and a few details will hopefully fill in the holes.
Thank you for reading.
aw
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jamiejay
Well-known member
I found the story very unique. I love the idea of selective de-evolution and a secret truth that must be protected and passed on. A little Matrix, a little 1984, a little DaVinci Code, a little Planet of the Apes...
I agree that sh*t isn't the right word, but that's easily fixed.
I have no problem with the lemon. It's logical enough. And, while I have never even thought of music and sound waves coming from paper and being played in some sort of electronic contraption, I found the idea intriguing. I can't even begin to imagine how images and voices would come from tablets or from a person's blood, but with sci-fi, almost anything is explainable through the argument that it's future technology (just like in fantasy, anything can be explained by saying it's magic
I do question, however, (as someone else already has) the fact that de-evolved slaves would know how to use such advanced equipment. How is it that they're physical appearance can be de-evolved, yet they seem to be able to mentally function as well, if not better than, humans today? I'm positive that you have a good explanation for this that you just couldn't fit into the six pages, and I think I read in one of your posts that you were planning to address it in a longer script or something. I would love to read it if you ever get around to it.
Hypatia was my favorite. I liked the juxtaposition of "strong, timid".
No doubt you will be high on the list when the rating is through. Great work.
I agree that sh*t isn't the right word, but that's easily fixed.
I have no problem with the lemon. It's logical enough. And, while I have never even thought of music and sound waves coming from paper and being played in some sort of electronic contraption, I found the idea intriguing. I can't even begin to imagine how images and voices would come from tablets or from a person's blood, but with sci-fi, almost anything is explainable through the argument that it's future technology (just like in fantasy, anything can be explained by saying it's magic
I do question, however, (as someone else already has) the fact that de-evolved slaves would know how to use such advanced equipment. How is it that they're physical appearance can be de-evolved, yet they seem to be able to mentally function as well, if not better than, humans today? I'm positive that you have a good explanation for this that you just couldn't fit into the six pages, and I think I read in one of your posts that you were planning to address it in a longer script or something. I would love to read it if you ever get around to it.
Hypatia was my favorite. I liked the juxtaposition of "strong, timid".
No doubt you will be high on the list when the rating is through. Great work.
alex whitmer
Veteran
This has come a few times, and I really do have a rational explanation!! One part has to do with the watchers not taking IQ into account. They just assumed de-evolution would automatically affect intelligence.
A few other details will come out in the rewrite.
on the flip side ...
William realizes all kinds of info can be captured in cells and other micro structures. He never considered his own cells would also reveal information. Oops.
Yeah, maybe 4 more pages and I can clarify the loose ends.
Very much appreciate the read.
Alex
jamiejay
Well-known member
I thought of that as he swats the mosquito away and doesn't think much of it at first.
'One part has to do with the watchers not taking IQ into account. They just assumed de-evolution would automatically affect intelligence'
And that explanation sounds plausible because that's the assumption that I was making as well. See there.
10 pages keeps coming up as the perfect amount... who is in charge of determining the rules? I hope they are catching on...
'One part has to do with the watchers not taking IQ into account. They just assumed de-evolution would automatically affect intelligence'
And that explanation sounds plausible because that's the assumption that I was making as well. See there.
10 pages keeps coming up as the perfect amount... who is in charge of determining the rules? I hope they are catching on...
alex whitmer
Veteran
And that explanation sounds plausible because that's the assumption that I was making as well. See there.
One of life's great mysteries is - for every solution applied, two more problems come along. Like, with all this techie know-how, why didn't the watchers devise an IQ test, and if they did, is there a way to cheat?
I'm way over-thinking this.
a
alex whitmer
Veteran
alex whitmer
Veteran
That's pretty funny.
I always knew those seeminly inocuous things hid secret messages.
a
jamiejay
Well-known member
But maybe they so underestimated the slaves because they dismissed them as human beings at all. It was a given that they weren't intelligent... yet they must have suspected something because they sent out spies to find out what they were doing... hmm...
Ok ok.... so they assumed it would affect IQ as well, they discover it doesn't, so, until they are able to find a way to lower IQ (through forced inbreeding and whatnot) while still keeping the slaves intelligent enough to work effectively, they have to resort to keeping the slaves in check by watching their every move.
Now I'm over-thinking it.
alex whitmer
Veteran
Another fest under the belt (I'm curious how many are gonna run with that one!)
And a fine showing it was. Clearly creativity doesn't come in small doses around here.
I've been battling a tropical illness that has had me running on empty nearly a week now, and a fractured ankle before that - I need to go back to my couch potato habits - so I didn't get to review all the scripts, or delve into (shred) the ones I did as much as I would have liked. I want to re-read a few scripts and add more comments, and maybe expand into a line-by-line.
Assuming I don't lob a leg off, or punture a lung (again), I'll keep reviewing 'till I get through them all.
aw
And a fine showing it was. Clearly creativity doesn't come in small doses around here.
I've been battling a tropical illness that has had me running on empty nearly a week now, and a fractured ankle before that - I need to go back to my couch potato habits - so I didn't get to review all the scripts, or delve into (shred) the ones I did as much as I would have liked. I want to re-read a few scripts and add more comments, and maybe expand into a line-by-line.
Assuming I don't lob a leg off, or punture a lung (again), I'll keep reviewing 'till I get through them all.
aw