My Partner, Baby

ZaZa - ha ha! I actually wrote a uh, 'porn' scene for a dvxuser a year or two ago and told them
to NOT put me in the credits. Did it as a favor, so I think I'll stick to "lace" for now.
 
This is a pretty good read, and it flows well, but the whole thing just doesn't come together for me. I really think it's because you're trying to cover far too much territory here. This seems like basically a character story (possibly even a light comedy) about these two people who, by the by, happen to be detectives. It's an interesting relationship, almost brother-sister. They have in-jokes, they cover for each other – maybe there's some jealousy or romantic tension there.

And then you have the last page. It completely comes out of nowhere – no, not nowhere, but a completely different movie than the one we've been following so far. All of a sudden this is a brutal gritty crime drama. It's a tremendous change-up and in such a short format I think it simply doesn't work. Whatever likability any of the characters had is gone. I sure as hell don't relate to Ortega after this – because I don't see any motivation or rationale behind what she's done.

I think you should strongly consider losing the big twist and just focusing on your strong character story.

I also agree that there's absolutely no need to show Davis' affair – with no room to spare in the script it feels rushed and takes away from some other scene that would have been more valuable, I'm sure.

In the category of minor nitpicks, I'm not a big fan of the FEMALE/MALE character "reveal" at the beginning. The secret doesn't last long and there doesn't seem to be much point to it, other than creating confusion. But that's just my personal preference in writing.

You also tell us that Jenny is Davis' wife in the action, which is cheating. It's easy enough to get that information across through a quick line of dialogue or a visual (or just leave it out and assume we can figure it out) but that's the sort of thing you shouldn't write, really.

One last nitpick: towards the end when they're moving down the hallway you've got this whole series of lines, each ending in "backup."

"Did you bring your backup?"
"Let's call for backup"
"Got your backup?"

Pretty confusing if you ask me. I get it, but there's got to be a better way to put that.

Anyway, good read. I don't know if you intend to continue working on it or if it's just done as it is, but I hope something I said is helpful.
 
Doug - no, it's all helpful. I tossed it back and forth whether or not to use their names in the beginning,
but because I started ON BLACK I decided to go that way with the 'female's voice.'

It's suppose to be a brutal betrayal, so it should come out of nowhere, but with a few subtle hints
here and there.
 
i found this one sort of awkwardly written to the point that it was hard for me to get into. lines like this:

Far in front of her a MALE whose legs spin as fast as humanly
possible and barely in front of him a MALE SUSPECT in black
t-shirt and jeans.

just don't seem to flow very well for me. also the sporadic naming of characters that was mentioned before bugged me.

i thought some of the dialogue was a bit too on the nose. lines like "you need to embrace your marriage more" don't come off naturally to me and just seem like awkward exposition.

other than these things i thought the story itself was fine. like others have mentioned thought the final twist was a little tacked on and arbitrary but it's difficult to create a meaningful betrayal in six minutes.
 
Charli,

A good read. I had similar issues that others have had but nothing too distracting. Some of your dialogue was really on the nose, but i still had trouble following the whole story on my first read. I enjoyed how you brought it back to the beginning at the end.

It reminded me a bit of an exchange between Batista and LaGuardia from Dexter.

-ben
 
Thanks, Ben. I really enjoy writing "bookends" on my scenes, even for scripts. It's a nice way
to tie the whole sequence of events nicely. Thanks for the read.
 
Charli said:
Doug - no, it's all helpful. I tossed it back and forth whether or not to use their names in the beginning,
but because I started ON BLACK I decided to go that way with the 'female's voice.'

It's suppose to be a brutal betrayal, so it should come out of nowhere, but with a few subtle hints
here and there.
Click to expand...


I can't agree with this, sorry. For a betrayal to be brutal, it has to be motivated. There has to be internal character drama to it.
 
I like dialogue at the beginning, but think you could do just as well starting at the stake-out. Maybe use those extra pages to motivate the ending more.

Would be easier to produce to if that's what you have in mind, too; three locations: car, garage, warehouse. I guess four if you do the bedroom scene.

I think it can all read darkly if it started that way too--the garage scene could really establish the mood if it weren't shot humorously. The ending wouldn't be such a disorienting shock then either.

One more thought: I think the scene at the beginning would be a GREAT start to a feature. That's the kind of scene it feels like. But with shorts I agree with REHov520, and you should make a good twist ending more of a priority than an exciting beginning.

Lots of good dialogue and an interesting concept though.

Jared
 
Jared - thanks for the feedback!

Doug - the motivation is embracing family, loyalty to family. It's on the tag: Family. Crime. Loyalty. Ortega embraces family more than the job, Davis vice versa, but he would never expect Ortega to ever do him harm.
 
Doug - the motivation is in the car scene where she states, "you need to embrace your marriage more" - while it's not a great build up to the surprise ending, there are hints.

The beginning tone was one of sheer brut force by Davis slamming the Suspect against the wall. He didn't just arrest him, he 'collided' so the tone is there from the very beginning.

This wasn't meant to be 'gritty' all the way through, but just a page of the lives of these Detectives. One maverick, one loyal. I do appreciate the feedback.
 
Good form and pace.

I always thought dual dialogue was adjacent, even if it's a jinx?
If not, how convenient! Might I ask where you picked that up?

Meaty characters were enjoyable. I would have liked to hate Davis more. With a wife like that, who wouldn't cheat...

I had no clue as to why Ortega would have done this. That was my only "out-of-story" moment. I get the twist, but with all the fun banter and character development that you did have, I was still left wondering why? Which, in turn, rained on the surprise or detracted from it.

I also clearly got that Ortega had prefaced with the marriage advice, but I don't think that was your clue was it?
If so, it was a bit vague.

Potentially, some sort of subtle hint or plant at the beginning? I saw the book-ends, but I didn't remember the first "distress call" when I finished. Hence, no epiphany.

Any reference to Menudo is a good reference, as long as it's not the boy-band.

Good job.
 
Anthony - thanks for the feedback. lol@Menudo, was gonna use barbeqoa or goat carnitas, but I'd figure that and tripas would get lost in the translation.
 
Hi Charli, I read your script.

The betrayal is obvious.
I think more work, like most scripts in this Fest, would help. Because as it is, it's hit and miss. Some dialogue is great, others seem to jar. Your format is excellent, really easy to read.
I wasn't a fan of the Woman and Man start that changed to their names. This is a short script not a short story.
I think when you get so many people saying the end reveal seemed out of the blue (I'm one of them) then maybe there isn't enough clues for the reader/viewer to piece together and be happy with it.

Good work and thanks for the read.
 
Thanks, Dark. Yeah, the ending was suppose to be a "didn't see it coming" but it appears more exposition is needed. I too, like stated jumped back and forth on the man/woman thing. I should have introduced them when running, but the woman's voice had to be just that because it's 'on black.'

Not filming this, so it's just another short on my shelf.
 
Yep - deffo didn't see the end coming so that worked for me. Also plenty of the banter was really good - slick and believeable - some jarred a little perhaps but nothing too out of genre. My only issue really is that there's not really anyone to relate to here - nobody likeable - I guess that's allowed but it just meant I didn't connect with the script as much as I could have. Good story though - felt well thought out. Another polish wouldn't do any harm but then it never does.
 
Sarah - I should have taken out the sex scene and given you a reason to care for Ortega more during the stake-out scene. I didn't make her as likeable but more by-the-book, so my bad. Thanks for feedback.
 
This was a fun read. I liked the betrayal at the end. With the sudden nature of it, it made me think of The Departed, which I think works. I was expecting someone to throw another betrayal in the mix and kill Ortega.

One thing that struck me early on was the use of Male and Woman and Suspect. Since we find out the characters names soon after and since they're major characters, you should probably go ahead and mention that it's Davis and Ortega. This way when an actor is reading it, they'll know that they need to memorize those lines too.

Another thing I think would improve the script is to use less dialogue. Some of it seemed to get a bit too wordy and I think you could portray the emotion of the scene more by letting the actor show it in their expressions.

That said, this was a fun read and I think it would make for a good short.
 
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