My Partner, Baby
- Thread starter Charli
- Start date
Michael Anthony Horrigan
More Cowbell Pictures
Possible Spoilers
Good script.
Maybe one too many twist points for my liking but that's only because this is betrayal fest and I was looking for them.
After the confrontation with the wife when things continued on it was pretty obvious that a bigger betrayal was lying in wait.
Like I said though, probably due to the fact that I was looking for it. Had this been a generic script that crossed my path I probably never would have seen it coming.
Very well written and you seemed to capture the crime drama genre quite well.
Kudos.
MAH
Good script.
Maybe one too many twist points for my liking but that's only because this is betrayal fest and I was looking for them.
After the confrontation with the wife when things continued on it was pretty obvious that a bigger betrayal was lying in wait.
Like I said though, probably due to the fact that I was looking for it. Had this been a generic script that crossed my path I probably never would have seen it coming.
Very well written and you seemed to capture the crime drama genre quite well.
Kudos.
MAH
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
I think this was well written.
At the end I felt like something just didn't gel for me. I've thought about it for most of today and I think my issue is that I felt no sympathy for Davis. So when the twist hits it only has a surprise impact and not an emotionally resonating one. Does that make sense? Given the setup of the script that may well have been your intention, but it kind of left me not knowing which character I was supposed to hang my emotional hat on ... so to speak.
At the end I felt like something just didn't gel for me. I've thought about it for most of today and I think my issue is that I felt no sympathy for Davis. So when the twist hits it only has a surprise impact and not an emotionally resonating one. Does that make sense? Given the setup of the script that may well have been your intention, but it kind of left me not knowing which character I was supposed to hang my emotional hat on ... so to speak.
ZazaCast
Major Contributor
Good job! I really like this kind of story cause there's room for a million kinds of betrayal. Loved the way you opened and closed the script. Again, I could really picture these characters on my minds-eye.
I don't think the scene with the affair was even needed...we know he's a cheater, so I don't see the point. You could have just gone with the old lipstick mark on the collar...or maybe the "Tiger Woods" approach...she found a strange number on the cell phone bill! Either way seemed like the perfume was the only reason for the scene.
Other than that...very well done!
Typo:
I don't think the scene with the affair was even needed...we know he's a cheater, so I don't see the point. You could have just gone with the old lipstick mark on the collar...or maybe the "Tiger Woods" approach...she found a strange number on the cell phone bill! Either way seemed like the perfume was the only reason for the scene.
Other than that...very well done!
Typo:
DAVIS
No, the Ghost is always is a step
ahead of us. Got your back-up?No, the Ghost is always is a step
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Russell Moore
Well-known member
Reads easily, nice descriptions.
Good banter between the two officers, you get a good picture of their relationship or at least what you think their relationship is.
A lot of good little details, like the food.
One format nitpick
INT. CAR INTERIOR -- DAY
This is redundant, I think just INT. CAR -- DAY would be sufficient.
The ending surprised me, I figured something was going to happen, but not what happened, so that was set up nicely.
The only speed bump I have about the ending. How do they end up at the scene? I assumed that the call that Davis receives sends them there, but after thinking about it, who is the call from, if its from dispatch, then you'ld think they would send more cops then those two to take down four armed men with bricks of cocaine. Or maybe I'm missing something, wouldn't be the first time.
Well written, entertaing script.
Good banter between the two officers, you get a good picture of their relationship or at least what you think their relationship is.
A lot of good little details, like the food.
One format nitpick
INT. CAR INTERIOR -- DAY
This is redundant, I think just INT. CAR -- DAY would be sufficient.
The ending surprised me, I figured something was going to happen, but not what happened, so that was set up nicely.
The only speed bump I have about the ending. How do they end up at the scene? I assumed that the call that Davis receives sends them there, but after thinking about it, who is the call from, if its from dispatch, then you'ld think they would send more cops then those two to take down four armed men with bricks of cocaine. Or maybe I'm missing something, wouldn't be the first time.
Well written, entertaing script.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
I think this is well written, but the ending fell flat for me. Mainly, because it was straight out of the blue. There was no hint or forewarning. It's easy to spring a surprise when you hold all the cards, but theirs no 'ah-ha!' moment without foreshadowing.
Charli
cool little "title"
Co - yeah, that format, missed that there and the fact they're suppose to be
driving 'down a road' - sigh. The call would be from 'inside source' and Davis is
such a Maverick, he acts first, thinks later. Glad you liked it!
ZaZa - I hate typos, but they happen. I added the affair to show you his
character instead of telling you. We know he's a cheater, but showing is
better, I think in some ways, so you can see it for yourself. Glad you liked it.
Chris - the foreshadowing is there, when Davis asks Ortega why she doesn't bring
her family or 'husband' around to anything. It's subtle, but there. Thanks
for the read.
driving 'down a road' - sigh. The call would be from 'inside source' and Davis is
such a Maverick, he acts first, thinks later. Glad you liked it!
ZaZa - I hate typos, but they happen. I added the affair to show you his
character instead of telling you. We know he's a cheater, but showing is
better, I think in some ways, so you can see it for yourself. Glad you liked it.
Chris - the foreshadowing is there, when Davis asks Ortega why she doesn't bring
her family or 'husband' around to anything. It's subtle, but there. Thanks
for the read.
ZazaCast
Major Contributor
...but do you need to tells us about it in the prior conversation with Ortega too? You could have cut to the affair scene during the conversation... like a thought he's having?
MML
Active member
I liked the banter between Davis and Ortega. That was the best part. You spent most of your time building up their relationship and then WHAM! I still don't know why she killed him? It sorta came out of no where. Maybe if you had more than 6 pages you could have shown why those people would have wanted Davis dead at least.
A nitpicky thought...on the first page you intro MALE SUSPECT the over his first dialog you have SUSPECT then his next bit is SUSPECT RAY RAY. When I say Ray Ray I thought there was another guy and had to re-read.
A nitpicky thought...on the first page you intro MALE SUSPECT the over his first dialog you have SUSPECT then his next bit is SUSPECT RAY RAY. When I say Ray Ray I thought there was another guy and had to re-read.
Charli
cool little "title"
mml - ooo, that's just a typo from an original draft on the Ray-Ray. The "Ghost" is Ortega's husband.
That's why he's always a step ahead. That's why she saw "nothing" that night when Davis skipped
the stake-out to be with his lover. That's why she "bam" at the end.
It's subtle, but it's there. Glad you liked the banter.
That's why he's always a step ahead. That's why she saw "nothing" that night when Davis skipped
the stake-out to be with his lover. That's why she "bam" at the end.
It's subtle, but it's there. Glad you liked the banter.
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ZazaCast
Major Contributor
You say partial....I say full-frontal. That's what makes the world go round! :engel017: