My Partner, Baby
- Thread starter Charli
- Start date
Mailliw87
Active member
Debris. Dust. Drab graffiti. - This first paragraph kind of inspired me, very sparse and effective.
this read awkward to me:
The writing was very good, and the dialogue worked for me. Good choice of scenes. I agree though, maybe try get Ortega a bit more likable.
I was a little bit dissapointed in the ending. It felt a bit typical, cop partner betrayal.
Otherwise nice work!
this read awkward to me:
I read it as the "shot fired" was from her gun. Was that correct?I think you should re-write it so that the action flows better, continuously, after the fired shot. Or just skip the "shot fired".
The writing was very good, and the dialogue worked for me. Good choice of scenes. I agree though, maybe try get Ortega a bit more likable.
I was a little bit dissapointed in the ending. It felt a bit typical, cop partner betrayal.
Otherwise nice work!
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Charli
cool little "title"
So folks, I left out
ONE IMPORTANT DETAIL THAT EVERY SCREENWRITER HAS IN THEIR SCRIPT
and no one so far has called me on it. I got the typos, got the slugline mistakes.
But what did I leave out?
Just goes to show you, if the story is engaging, you don't always need to spell it out.
ONE IMPORTANT DETAIL THAT EVERY SCREENWRITER HAS IN THEIR SCRIPT
and no one so far has called me on it. I got the typos, got the slugline mistakes.
But what did I leave out?
Just goes to show you, if the story is engaging, you don't always need to spell it out.
Captain Pierce
Veteran
Given that you start on black, I think "Woman's Voice" works; but I think maybe you could introduce Davis and Ortega by name right away once you fade in, instead of waiting until after Davis's first two lines.
As has been said, some of Davis and Ortega's byplay is very good (the Lethal Weapon bit is great
), and some not so much. I think you need to do a little more setting up of why they're on the stakeout in the first place, who "the ghost" is and why they're after him.
"SECONDARY UNTRACEABLE GUN" is a hell of a thing to convey on-screen. And the suggestion that these two both carry such guns really kind of comes out of nowhere. Yeah, Davis tackles the suspect early on, but in the heat of pursuit, I think that's understandable. Untraceable guns are a whole different thing.
I like that Ortega tries to save Davis, by suggesting they wait for backup, thereby giving the ghost time to slip away.
As has been said, some of Davis and Ortega's byplay is very good (the Lethal Weapon bit is great
), and some not so much. I think you need to do a little more setting up of why they're on the stakeout in the first place, who "the ghost" is and why they're after him. "SECONDARY UNTRACEABLE GUN" is a hell of a thing to convey on-screen.
And the suggestion that these two both carry such guns really kind of comes out of nowhere. Yeah, Davis tackles the suspect early on, but in the heat of pursuit, I think that's understandable. Untraceable guns are a whole different thing.I like that Ortega tries to save Davis, by suggesting they wait for backup, thereby giving the ghost time to slip away.
Read well Charli. Was entertaining and very well written.
From a visual story perspective, as in, how it would be to watch this as a short - seperate from a "Betrayal Fest" scriptwritting competition. Im wondering if there's enough there. Two cops with a quirky relationship, that was again, well written, but then one betrays the other and shoots him. The outcome seems somewhat a means to end to fulfill the betrayal requirement, rather than a "full story". I dont know that every short needs to be a full story with a start, middle and end. But, Im almost certain if I watched this as a short Id be scratching my head at the end thinking, yes, she betrayed him, but as stated the outcome and why seem a touch frail.
From a visual story perspective, as in, how it would be to watch this as a short - seperate from a "Betrayal Fest" scriptwritting competition. Im wondering if there's enough there. Two cops with a quirky relationship, that was again, well written, but then one betrays the other and shoots him. The outcome seems somewhat a means to end to fulfill the betrayal requirement, rather than a "full story". I dont know that every short needs to be a full story with a start, middle and end. But, Im almost certain if I watched this as a short Id be scratching my head at the end thinking, yes, she betrayed him, but as stated the outcome and why seem a touch frail.
Charli
cool little "title"
Capt - yeah, the Woman/Man thing was a toss up and I went the wrong way. Probably you would have believed in one person had a back-up weapon rather than two detectives with back-ups. Thanks for the read!
Noel - I think visually if 'the ghost' looks at his wife Ortega and she at him, on screen it will show up more than it does on paper. I didn't have the 'space' to write all the description so if I had cut out the sex scene, probably would have gotten the reader there better. Thanks for the read, buddy!
Noel - I think visually if 'the ghost' looks at his wife Ortega and she at him, on screen it will show up more than it does on paper. I didn't have the 'space' to write all the description so if I had cut out the sex scene, probably would have gotten the reader there better. Thanks for the read, buddy!
MrKilloran
Well-known member
I thought your bookends worked really well to tie the story up.
Good characters, Davis and Ortega's relationship with each other seems good and I get a lot out of a little between the two of them.
The Man/Women introduction is unnecessary, doesn't lend itself to any real mystery and could have just been the character names.
That opening scene is exciting and draws you in but along with the sex scene feels excessive and just more time could have been spent on the end.
The betrayal felt really unmotivated and just briefly written off. Almost like you were telling a larger story, realized you were running out of space and then just chose to wrap it up. IMO there could have been more tension and build-up to create a more satisfactory moment when Ortega shoots Davis.
Good work.
Good characters, Davis and Ortega's relationship with each other seems good and I get a lot out of a little between the two of them.
The Man/Women introduction is unnecessary, doesn't lend itself to any real mystery and could have just been the character names.
That opening scene is exciting and draws you in but along with the sex scene feels excessive and just more time could have been spent on the end.
The betrayal felt really unmotivated and just briefly written off. Almost like you were telling a larger story, realized you were running out of space and then just chose to wrap it up. IMO there could have been more tension and build-up to create a more satisfactory moment when Ortega shoots Davis.
Good work.
ZazaCast
Major Contributor
I'm starting to get a reputation here....what's up with that? So I like a little female nudity, perfectly normal, right?
...right? :shocked:
Still loved the script Charli!
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ZazaCast
Major Contributor
Which part... the script....or the nudity? :happy: