"LISA" A Ramsaur Film

[ramsaur]

There were some very nice elements in this: cinematography, make-up, special effects... The biggest problem for me is the storytelling. Important moments need to be emphasized and shown from the right perspective.

For instance, when the guy walks into the room, sees the zombie people, and turns and runs - we see all this from across the room from him. We need to be in his face, in a closeup, seeing his reaction. Then we spend far too much time watching the zombies file out of the room, when the focus should be on the guy trying to escape, with the occasional shot of the zombies getting closer. Also on a logic point, he tries to get back into the elevator (which looks like a closet?) but he never tries the door to his left.

Anyway, I definitely think your films are improving, but I want you to constantly remind yourself to make sure you are telling the story in a clear, effective way.

You know, I never thought about that. Good thinking. Might have to include that in our reshoots or just choose from a different angle when back in editing. Thanks for the feedback!

I believe she was Mina Lisa, or is now. Like her soul was trapped in the painting.
She begins to step through the picture and then looks quite different at the end of the film.

Maybe Alex will expound on this.

MAH

Hey MAH, yes you are right about that. And right about Alex expounding on this. We're both collecting notes for re writes then re shoots to make it all understandable so I can send it to other film festivals. And possible a longer 30-40 min version but nothing for sure on that right now.

 

[Chad_from_Chad]

I don't know where to really begin. I really liked the CGI effects you did, thought they looked cool, but completely unnecessary. You did a great job blocking the shots, but the framing was plane bad in every scene. I liked the music. Like you've already said story-wise, you want to rewrite and reshoot a lot of stuff. One suggestion, for the news live shot at the end, it needs to be more like something a news person would say in real life, nothing about high profile security, and they would definitely pronounce The Louvre (Loov) correctly. All in all, I really look forward to seeing more from you. Just try to find an equal balance of style and substance.

 

[Rodney V. Smith]

Ramsaur, you once again over-extended yourself. Lack of focus leads to a film that doesn't know what it's supposed to be. This was a very confusing film and it had a lot of extraneous stuff that was never needed.

I kept waiting for some kind of explanation on the "future tech", maybe even a reason why it was so important. Quick answer is that it wasn't. It played no part in the story and as it is became a crutch and then just annoying. Like you were just showing off a cool effect you just discovered. Yes you can do those things, but the big question you must always pose is: HOW do they serve the story.

Story comes first and this was muddled. I actually expected better from a script by Alex Whitmer and that your interpretation of the script would do justice. You're talented and you can pull a production together, so kudos to you, but it only goes so far. Serious lack of attention was placed on the story and how all of the elements come together, but it started with how you introduced us to the story and the characters.

Let me explain: We meet a character who goes us stairs and is beset by a bunch of weird zombie people. They kill him.

This is the end of the story. It does not continue past this point. The guy you just introduced us to, our AVATAR into this world, is DEAD.

Instead what he have is transference of story to the villain of the piece... and there is no reason to make this transference. There is no relationship between the characters except that he was delivering a package. There is nothing at stake, nothing to invest in. All that is left is for us to watch these weird people walk around in single file, have a heart ripped out of a chest... and then a HEIST???

:-|

Seriously dude. I have to give you both barrels on this one. You could have focused on story development. Spotted all of these problems early on and worked with Alex to make a more shootable script. Something that was actually clever instead of just trying so hard and failing on all levels.

Yes you had some cool shots, but your composition was ALL OVER the place. You were missing closeups and reaction shots.. the visual elements required to pull a complex piece off. All of this could have been tackled in your development phase, but you barely spent time there so you didn;t know the WHY of the shot, the IMPACT of the scene... the subtext was missing.. and it was because of how you shot it.

Iif you want a good example of character transference, watch "Serenity" by Joss Whedon. The movie starts with River Tam and it is clearly on her and about her, but then the movie needed to be handed off to Captain Reynolds. That was handled in a subtle manner in just two lines of dialog and a single shot that allowed us to understand the importance of the new character coming in.

They're talking about a heist:
Mal: I hope you understand your part in this?
River: Do you?
And she walks off screen leaving us with Mal in the foreground... and we get it completely. It's subtext.

I'm not even going to talk about the Mona Lisa or any of the rest of it beyond where our Avatar is dead. The movie ended there. Period.

Listen to us when we say this: focus on one movie at a time. You shot three and every single one is flawed. This one could have been your masterpiece.... YOUR Mona Lisa.

It isn't.

 

[Blaine]

Let me start by saying I liked this one more than anything you've done in the past. You've come a long way.

That said, this one started with what I thought was a great concept. Zombies being indoctrinated and served up the flesh of an unwitting delivery boy. If you had stopped with that, I'd have been fine with it. BUT, it went on to be some kind of caper to steal the Mona Lisa which was totally unnecessary and irrelevant even if the 'zombies' had been capable of pulling it off, which I doubt. This one went a "bridge too far."

 

[Rodney V. Smith]

oh cruel irony. I repost the etiquette of criticism and I lay into Ramsaur like this. Yes, the above critique is harsh in areas and I'm sorry if I criticized Alex (the writer) too harshly.

I do stand by the critique as point in there are valid, but I do apologize for my harsh tone. Hopefully you are able to glean something from what I have said.

You did do quite a few things well and I must admit (as I shoul dhave before) that you have shown a HUGE growth in this film. The kind of growth that we've all been looking for. Better production quality, actual cinematic style beginning to emerge. Some nice things to see. You did avoid any major blocks of dialog so we don't see how you've grown directing your actors in emotional scenes (panic, fear, love all count), and the zombies have such a limited range of expression.

I'd like to see you tackle a piece with actual character and story development at some point, and really just step back and use everything you've learned to not make it good, but excellent.

 

[ramsaur]

I really liked the CGI effects you did, thought they looked cool, but completely unnecessary.

Can you elaborate a little more? If it's because of it taking place in the future for some odd reason I'm working on that as well for the reshoots. But those vfx will stay. No need to waist something that took time from editors. But if you could elaborate more by what you mean of unnecessary for them.

Let me start by saying I liked this one more than anything you've done in the past. You've come a long way.

That said, this one started with what I thought was a great concept. Zombies being indoctrinated and served up the flesh of an unwitting delivery boy. If you had stopped with that, I'd have been fine with it. BUT, it went on to be some kind of caper to steal the Mona Lisa which was totally unnecessary and irrelevant even if the 'zombies' had been capable of pulling it off, which I doubt. This one went a "bridge too far."

Thanks Blaine. I do feel myself improving, just need to work more with the script before shooting it. I plan to show all of you improvement in the next fest

 

[Shaun Patrick]

This is probably my "guilty pleasure" film from the fest. I really was entertained and the special effects were great. Yes, the story probably needs more development (and "The Louvre" was mis-pronounced) but you kept it moving. It was just fun to watch and you've definitely improved your visuals.

Kudos, ramsaur.

 

[ZazaCast]

Although I was confused by the story I really enjoyed this. The score was excellent! I liked your VFX stuff too. Yes, there were a few thing that jumped out at me... the over mix could use a little tweaking, In the beginning when the delivery guy goes to the elevator the shots don't match colorwise and when Lisa rips out the guys heart (I think) and steps back, her hand is clear? Where's all the blood?

Great make-up, good camera work and an improvement over your last three films (including Thirst).

Focus on one film at a time and you'll be a contender in my opinion.
Congratulations to the whole cast & crew on a job well done!

 

[ramsaur]

and steps back, her hand is clear? Where's all the blood?

Yea we shot it all backwards then I forgot about that. I noticed it when editing so when fixing I'll find some way to fix it.

Thanks for the critiques. One film coming up next fest

 

[lawriejaffa]

Right, well Ramsaur...

First of i noticed you haven't responded to the criticism provided by Rodney? He wrote a virtual essay - you should mind to thank him even if you disagree with his point of view.

I found some elements i liked about this film was the concept of indoctrinated zombies, and there peculiar martial behaviour could be quite creepy and taken to the next level in a longer form project etc.

The character of the controller, and her depiction with CGI screen etc was cute, it seemed strangely unncessary but it was cute. Helped conjure a slightly futuristic world. The Mona Lisa element to the story was not very well expressed and i know Alex Whitmer to be too good a writer to lay the blame on script. So what happened? Did part of the film get scrapped to meet the 6min deadline?

A lot of time was wasted on the delivery boy, of course our lady has ordered lunch for her zombies, but that could have been achieved in almost half the time it took for him to get munched in the film.

There is i think here a distracted desire to achieve better production standards by you Ramsaur, in an attempt to show personally how you are growing and improving as a filmmaker. But remember this cannot come at the cost of storytelling - the time spent on cgi would have been better invested by ensuring that your storytelling of the script, was more coherent.

Its definately an improvement of your past works, but remember your storytelling is king, i feel it wasn't here.

 

[ramsaur]

Right, well Ramsaur...

First of i noticed you haven't responded to the criticism provided by Rodney? He wrote a virtual essay - you should mind to thank him even if you disagree with his point of view.

I found some elements i liked about this film was the concept of indoctrinated zombies, and there peculiar martial behaviour could be quite creepy and taken to the next level in a longer form project etc.

The character of the controller, and her depiction with CGI screen etc was cute, it seemed strangely unncessary but it was cute. Helped conjure a slightly futuristic world. The Mona Lisa element to the story was not very well expressed and i know Alex Whitmer to be too good a writer to lay the blame on script. So what happened? Did part of the film get scrapped to meet the 6min deadline?

A lot of time was wasted on the delivery boy, of course our lady has ordered lunch for her zombies, but that could have been achieved in almost half the time it took for him to get munched in the film.

There is i think here a distracted desire to achieve better production standards by you Ramsaur, in an attempt to show personally how you are growing and improving as a filmmaker. But remember this cannot come at the cost of storytelling - the time spent on cgi would have been better invested by ensuring that your storytelling of the script, was more coherent.

Its definately an improvement of your past works, but remember your storytelling is king, i feel it wasn't here.

I PM'd Rodney.

The confusions were also in the script, so it was my fault to take control of why this and this was happening and going on. I missed that. So we're working on it to get all the answers out so it'll all be explained with no questions to have a good film. As well as fixing some edits.

Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated.