Educated Mouse Trap

Maii - actions dictate character as well as how we interact with each other. I don't think in this particular
story I really got to know anyone, but other stories you get a 'sense' of the person.
Dialogue helps.
 
Chris,

I enjoyed this, but I was disappointed with the Montage ending.

I didn't quite understanding the arc of the places that he was going. I would have liked to have seen a more logical progression and perhaps tied those into the story. Like it was part of the legend that Sticks told him. personally, I would have stopped after twigs started sprouting out of my arms...

However, I do see tons of opportunity in a story like this, must have been a lot of fun to write, so many options to explore with warping dimensions.

-ben
 
New, from Hasbro - the Stargate Home Game! :D

I guess my biggest question would be, how did Uncle Sticks know that "the disk" (is that 3.5-inch or 5.25? I got a million of 'em, folks!) was even capable of doing that? He must've known, right?

I also think, if Sticks did know and was trying to entice Bill into using it to resurrect him, he maybe could have made it sound a little more attractive before going with the "scared the poo poo out of me, don't ever use it" schtick.

I liked the way you hinted at the exotic locations Bill must be travelling to without the expense of actually showing them, and overall it just basically works. :)
 
ZazaCast said:
- You managed to pull me in right from the very start, I can see the characters & locations in detail.
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Thanks and an extra thanks for your comments on the rewrite.

REHov520 said:
- this was a good one that kept me interested throughout, although i thought the payoff left something to be desired and i was left with more than a few questions at the end. where was he going? how did it resurrect sticks?
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A little mystery can keep you watching. I hope to fix some of the confusing mysteries with a rewrite.

Mailliw87 said:
- I liked the character Bill. And the line the line " (censored), dude, im in mourning" gave me a chuckle, maybe it wasn't supposed too, but it did. my favorite line in the script.
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Thanks for the read. I try to put at least one fun line in every short. :)

kennethhurd said:
- I like the visuals that you create, but I would have liked to see where he was going. Of course, that would probably give the script a budget that would make it almost impossible to make. Your characters are believable and the dialogue sounds natural. I think you could have added something in the flashback to add to the betrayal aspect of Uncle Sticks, but it does work the way you have it.
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Budget, budget, budget. But who knows someone my make a killer short out of it and then get mega bucks to make a feature length version. This could certainly go wild in 90 minutes.

You aren't the only who asked for more in the flashback, so I've got something to think about.

Charli said:
- My biggest issue is the use of props to tell your story. Good attempt otherwise.
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Thanks for reading.

Ben Sliker said:
- However, I do see tons of opportunity in a story like this, must have been a lot of fun to write, so many options to explore with warping dimensions.
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It was. I can Imagine that I would have to restrain myself if I had a longer time limit.

Captain Pierce said:
- New, from Hasbro - the Stargate Home Game!
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Thanks for the marketing idea!

Captain Pierce said:
- I liked the way you hinted at the exotic locations Bill must be travelling to without the expense of actually showing them, and overall it just basically works.
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Yep, I decided this time to put up a script that can actually be filmed.
 
Hi Mr Keaton, I just read your script.

I love Sci-Fi and was deeply into this from the start, with nice bits of dialogue to show Bill's character.
I did get confused though. Without the uncle at the end there is now Betrayal... Or is it to do with him not listening to his uncle. Also, the ending wasn't clear. What are his uncles motives, has he used Bill knowing he would play with the thing... Totally confusing.
Overall, not a bad script, just needs work. Well done.
 
DarkElastic said:
Hi Mr Keaton, I just read your script.

I love Sci-Fi and was deeply into this from the start, with nice bits of dialogue to show Bill's character.
I did get confused though. Without the uncle at the end there is now Betrayal... Or is it to do with him not listening to his uncle. Also, the ending wasn't clear. What are his uncles motives, has he used Bill knowing he would play with the thing... Totally confusing.
Overall, not a bad script, just needs work. Well done.
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Yeah, the rewrite makes it more clear. But yes, it was a trap. Sticks knew he wold use it and that would bring him back. See it gives you something nice, makes you like it. Then it takes, you think you have a chance, but it's just drawing you in deeper until the bad guy can come back.
 
"****, dude, I’m in mourning." Hehe. I also like the term 'ex-uncle'. Nice! This is snappy, funny, an engaging concept, clever writing - you have a definite style all of your own. Normallly I would say don't ever have characters talk to themselves but here you sorta get away with it. The dial thingy is your hook and that works. I like how you manage to fit a dimension-jumping sci-fi into one room too - very production minded - clever :)
 
This script is sofa king cool. You hit the theme with Thor's hammer. It is visually rich, and unpretentious. Love the first reappearance with the snow. Easy to produce with a drastic effect, even when you are thrifty it works. Ha.

I liked Bills arc from the nerdy, caring mourner to the jagoff, know-it-all nephew.

Sticks appearance was brief, but his arc was the best.

The dialogue was on point and I felt like I was there. Nice touch with the "I'm mourning" line giving us a reason to hate his arse (previously stated by Sarah). Smart plant and twist. As usual, technically sound and inventive, love those action to slug transitions. Smooth as silk.

I think it was Kenny Rogers who once sang... "Know when to walk away and know when to run" -- should have took the tan and the fruit and ran like a mother effer. Which, BTW, is a song about an elder warning the young buck... Just got to shut up and listen to those old bastards sometimes.

Well done.
 
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I sent you a reply with my comments to your email address.
I encourage people to read the rewrite. Really well done.
 
Thanks for re-read Conlan, sometimes it's the little things. But really I've been sitting on this a long time then the changes hit me. Then the feeback came and I tweaked again. No one should work in a bubble, this feedback is uber helpful. I think I actually have a script now worth filming.
 
I'm learning, again, that you can never rewrite enough.

Ok, I trimmed out a whole scene bringing it down to roughly 5 pages. It's all one location (front room) with one jaunt to a bathroom. It's far more doable and the story is relatively the same, but it flows smoother and is tighter overall. So keep rewriting.
 
Well if you have the energy to re-write, do it I say.
I've never written a second draft because I'm lazy..And because I find it hard to get into the work again, it is impossible for me, the emotion and drive I had then is gone. Suppose you need to make it alive again somehow.
 
Mailliw87 said:
Well if you have the energy to re-write, do it I say.
I've never written a second draft because I'm lazy..And because I find it hard to get into the work again, it is impossible for me, the emotion and drive I had then is gone. Suppose you need to make it alive again somehow.
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80% of writing is rewriting.
 
I liked it. It's very engaging and I was drawn into the story. Very tight story telling, keeping the action to one location and still be entertaining. I'd flesh out a few more details about the "disc" and the uncle's warning just to make a more satisfying ending. Well done.
 
Chris_Keaton said:
80% of writing is rewriting.
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Still that's not what writing has been to me.
I know of the saying 'writing is re-writing'.

But whenever I've tried to re-write something I've just ruined it.
I think it's individual.. It's not set in stone, It can't be!! :Drogar-KnockedOut(D
Maybe I would change my mind after having written a feature.
 
Mailliw87 said:
Still that's not what writing has been to me.
I know of the saying 'writing is re-writing'.

But whenever I've tried to re-write something I've just ruined it.
I think it's individual.. It's not set in stone, It can't be!! :Drogar-KnockedOut(D
Maybe I would change my mind after having written a feature.
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Ah, I see what you mean. And that was true for me when I started. I would totally ruin whatever I re-touched. However, now I find everything I rewrite gets better. It's the art of know what feedback to take and how to execute it. The rewrite I have now of the Educated Mouse Trap is one page shorter, but tells the story more clearly than ever before. It takes practice.
 
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