Educated Mouse Trap

Good luck, Chris K...

It's lucky it is only one entry from each applicant, or you'd have about 15 in!!!:Drogar-BigGrin(DBG)
 
POSSIBLE SPOILERS



Fun script. Seemed a little like your "Devil's Toy" in the sense of a mystical device that makes bad things happen, but it was different enough. Had a nice Twilight Zone feel to it.

Visually it would be a lot of fun to watch.

I felt that it dragged just a tad during the montage. Maybe a few too many trips?
Aside from that I was thoroughly engaged and enjoyed the ride.

Nice job.

MAH
 
I really liked this Chris. I was very intrigued by what was happening to Bill and where he might be going. Very cool idea.

I wasn't exactly sure why Sticks showed up at the end though. Did Bill's death bring him back to life? Is that what the "trap" was? Or was Sticks seeing Bill because they were both dead? If I'm not the only one confused, maybe that needs to be a bit clearer.

Nice writing, as usual...and great concept. :)
 
Really good writing as always. The story was engaging. Created really good visuals. Realisitc dialogue.

I agree that it seemed to drag slightly with the many trips back and forth. On the other hand I was always interested to see what was going to happen next.

Its not just you MML, I wasn't 100% sure what the ending was about. Maybe I just need to go back and it give it another read.

Regardless, it was fun, imaginative and a good read.
 
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Ahh, yes, thanks guys. As soon as the upload finished I thought of a couple things I wanted to rewrite. I've changed this ending a couple times where it's a creature that uses the device to find a way into our dimension, but I went back to the original ending where the uncle uses the disk to return from the dead. Hence the mousetrap. I'm working on a rewrite as we speak that hopefully will make it clearer.
 
Just finished a rewrite that actually made it shorter and eliminated two locations. If you are interested in reading it let me know.
 
I like it! (and I'd like to read the new version too) Great job Chris. Love the story, how can you go wrong with dimensional travel...damn, I want one of those things.

You managed to pull me in right from the very start, I can see the characters & locations in detail. It always amazes me, the amount of talent in this place. So far, this fest has produced some of the best scripts yet.

Congrats & keep up the good work! :thumbsup::thumbsup:
 
this was a good one that kept me interested throughout, although i thought the payoff left something to be desired and i was left with more than a few questions at the end. where was he going? how did it resurrect sticks? and did sticks always intend for his nephew to disobey him so that he could be resurrected? i would have liked a bit more information at the end regarding what the thing actually was. a bit more on the relationship between the two would also have been helpful i think.

still, this was unique and kept me reading. good job.
 
Hi Chris,

I liked the character Bill. And the line the line " (censored), dude, im in mourning"
gave me a chuckle, maybe it wasn't supposed too, but it did. my favorite line in the script.


There's something that just didn't click for me. It could just be that my concentration wanders, it does that..I think it's got to do with the disc, in a visual way it didn't get my interest. Sorry that I can't be more precise, hm.

I was interested in Bill though, so that pulled me back into the script.

I'll read it again later on and get back to it to see if a second read-through might change things.

And the ending came as a surprise to me as well.

It was written well though, as always, good paragraphs and formatting, flowed well.
 
This script's really good. I like the visuals that you create, but I would have liked to see where he was going. Of course, that would probably give the script a budget that would make it almost impossible to make. Your characters are believable and the dialogue sounds natural. I think you could have added something in the flashback to add to the betrayal aspect of Uncle Sticks, but it does work the way you have it. This is a really solid script. Good job!
 
I would like to see you actually use people instead of props to carry a story, this did remind me a lot
of 'Devil's Toy' and I don't think you can show true revealment of character without the banter between two people.

There's a lot of misuse of sluglines. If you are in 'front' of the house and then go into the 'bedroom'
unless it's a very small house, you'll have to walk through the living room, down a hallway and then into the bedroom.

You also had action in the front of the house and then added the slugline "INT. FRONT.' which really all
you needed to do was show 'LATER.'

My biggest issue is the use of props to tell your story. Good attempt otherwise.
 
Charli said:
I don't think you can show true revealment of character without the banter between two people.
Click to expand...

I have to disagree with this. Plenty of films I like, show, in my opinion, true revealment of character without the banter between two people. I don't think it has to be done through dialogue. Depends on the type of film/script perhaps.
 
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