A Clockwork Darkened

Hey Chris, just had a look, then another look before i started feedback. I think this would actually translate well to film, especially making good use of the TICK-TOCK sounds and lots of stunning production design work. The texture you've created feels very much like a painting with so much going on in every corner. It's some good solid visual writing.

That being said: the abusive relationship only works as a misdirection. Once the actual relationship is revealed and the fact that he brought her back to life...the first 2/3rds of your sctipt comes crashing down and hard. It's just not believable beyond that point.. that that was the point where we were really getting into the story. It seems like it was used more as a device rather than a key plot point... and here's the important part: it's the one thing that the story is really about. Everything else is window dressing. At the core of it is a story of a girl who was brought back to life through some arcane means by the man who loved her. None of the rest really matters and everythign comes back to that point.. but their interactions, unless motivated by something else which is not shown... well it make a lie of that revelation and premise.

If you give a true motivation for his violence, let us see true humanity and caring in him, over-protectiveness and some hostility towards Arnaud, then we have reasons for it. But you need to build those relationships. Throw away some of the parts that are just weighty and get to the real meat.

Your writing style is descriptive and effective, and works great for prose, but some of it really could be trimmed down a little. Some obvious indicators are also missing (CAPS on first introductions of important objects, props etc) but those are just technical issues which are hit or miss. (I do a lot of script breakdowns so tend to cuss at writers who don't help me out with this kind of thing :grin:).

All in all, you've told an effective story that just needs to tighten up and concentrate on how to show the central core of the story. It's well written and if it wasn't so production design intensive, I'd be tempted to shoot it myself.

Provided of course that you fix some issues with the story first...

PS: Oh I almost forgot: you need to make more of an issue with the TICK-TOCK.. when she dies... no more tick-tock... everything winds down... it all just stops... That sound is too important to take lightly, and adds to the tension and the drama.
 
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Thanks Rodney,
Yes, I know the violence has to be changed. The first draft was a straight forward bad guy accidentally kills his servant/sex slave and brings her back as a clockwork girl. But I thought that it didn't really feel right, so I changed it to a tragic love story. I wanted to do a romance :evil:, but I left much of the original violence in.

I try not to leave too much prose in unless I'm painting a mood. I'll have to go through it with a razor.

Oh, yeah, you caught the ticking. I thought it would be f-ing awesome to use a noise as the mcguffin. The damn ticking, that just keeps getting more intrusive, until clang she's done.

Thanks again.

Anyone interested in a huge budget terribly difficult to pull off short film I'm their man! :thumbsup:
 
Chris_Keaton said:
I was thinking what if Shakespere and Tim Burton had a kid and locked him in a basement.
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This is what I immediately thought when I first read it. You succeeded in creating the mood and style through words. The only faux pas is in the first half of the story itself. There is not enough back story to condone the violence that Vilefort is inflicting on the girl. You may rather consider using the violence as Vilefort's way of making her work correctly. Like banging a machine to make it start. Also, her flashbacks could show fragments of her present thoughts flickering when she returns to the moment at hand. Those thoughts could be very derange and cause for her actions. She is really not human. She is more like a Frankenstein Monster.

This definitely falls into the horror-fantasy genre. Its a good one at that.

This could be reasonably done on a tight budget. Set design will be the only challenge in this story. That includes set pieces like the grandfather clock and the mask.

Another good one Chris!
 
Sprocketboy said:
This is what I immediately thought when I first read it. You succeeded in creating the mood and style through words. The only faux pas is in the first half of the story itself. There is not enough back story to condone the violence that Vilefort is inflicting on the girl. You may rather consider using the violence as Vilefort's way of making her work correctly. Like banging a machine to make it start. Also, her flashbacks could show fragments of her present thoughts flickering when she returns to the moment at hand. Those thoughts could be very derange and cause for her actions. She is really not human. She is more like a Frankenstein Monster.

This definitely falls into the horror-fantasy genre. Its a good one at that.

This could be reasonably done on a tight budget. Set design will be the only challenge in this story. That includes set pieces like the grandfather clock and the mask.

Another good one Chris!
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Yep, that violence needs some tempering or warping. I want the audience to see it one way the first time they watch it and then see it as it really is the second. I think right now, as Rodney pointed out, it's just a distraction with no real meaning beyond that. Thanks for the review.
 
I thought she made couple of attempts to kill him and that was making him angry. he tell her there I revived you and that's what I get?
Kind of implied - she did kill him at the end and she was on a leash because she was violent herself - that's how I read it. Wasn't it what you had in mind at all?
 
KhamIsk said:
I thought she made couple of attempts to kill him and that was making him angry. he tell her there I revived you and that's what I get?
Kind of implied - she did kill him at the end and she was on a leash because she was violent herself - that's how I read it. Wasn't it what you had in mind at all?
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I think it suffered from rewrite lag. She was like Frankenstein and not like her original self, especially since she didn't remember who she was, so the chain was to bind and keep her from causing more harm, but I don't think that was entirely clear. Maybe she could lash out a little more, just a little. But I still think his violence was misread, so that has to be tweaked. A little here and a little there will make it clearer. Thanks
 
This is a very cool take on the Frankenstein theme. Very cool indeed.

I think the psychoses behind it are pretty accurate - needing/wanting to posses something so badly, you hurt and even kill it, and not really grasping the consequences.

The bouncing around through flashbacks and nightmares scrambles this a bit much for me. Two reads and I still can't really follow the course of events. I think the nature of this story needs to be more linear - and maybe reveal the motives and what set the tragedy in motion at the end - she kills herself, and for just a moment, the gears go backwards, and we see a tick of one event, then the tock of another, and eventually silence.

Like how people see their lives flash before their eyes when in the face of death.


I just didn't get the bit with Arnaud coming to the door, and when in the course of events it was actually happening.

Arnaud is a variant of Arnold, meaning eagle or Ruler, but that doesn't fit the character's role.


Love all the visuals. I get a brutish fairy tale feel from this. Like, Gappetto meets Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. If you streamline this, you could develop these personality malfunctions.

Like how we don't really find out Mary is half human, half clock until the end.

A few techie issues that could be cleaned up in a final draft.


As a working document ...

It would not be an easy undertaking to translate this into film. The good part is that 90% of it can take place in one location, albeit an expensive one to design. I suppose a lot of the props could be found in junk shops and dandied up to make it work.

I would certainly lose much of the bouncing around and maybe show Arnaud's desperate search for his true love, and maybe Vilefort's desperate race to find one more gear.

Super cool story idea, just needs some vetting to get the heart of the story focused - Love. Psychoses. Genius gone astray.


a
 
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For me, the vibe here was like Edgar Allen Poe rewrites Frankenstein directed by Tim Burton. It was very cool.

The story, when broken down is very simple...but with all of the atmosphere you created and the character of Vilefort, really gave it depth.

I loved all the sound effects, A+ on atmosphere. I was a bit confused on Mary's brother though. What was he doing there? If I'm not the only one, maybe that could be clearer and his character defined a bit more. Other than that I followed right along.

Nice work Chris.
 
The atmosphere and tone you set are great. I love the overall story, very cool.

I was not as thrown off by vilefort's violence as some others were. I was a bit confused by Arnauds actions, but you've already addressed that.

But even that bit of confusion, did not keep me from enjoying this dark tale.
The metal mask, the stitches, the clock work insides, the TICK - TOCK, black oil tears.
Great stuff.
 
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great title, Chris. i'm looking forward to reading this script.. here goes!

good start, visually descriptive.

ok, a clock-maker's dungeon and chained prisoner - i'm intrigued..

i know you're trying to show us the relationship between MARY and VILEFORT, but so far it's still a bit confusing. (through pg. 4 anyway.. now on to pg. 5)

ok this just interesting / weird. she has clock parts.

good turn of events, but why did ARNAUD hate VILEFORT so much?

overall, good story, writing was good and visual. some action blocks were missing commas that made them a little confusing, but easy fixes.
 
Wow - really enjoyed reading this one - definitely an interesting script. I'm okay with the violence Vilefort showed toward Mary - plenty of people are in love/hate relationships. I think his anger would also extend to Arnaurd though. I thought the flashbacks were fine - kept me wanting to find out the whole story. Also liked the misdirection concerning Arnaurd and Mary's relationship. I would have liked the script to end on the scene where Mary kills herself. The constables breaking in with Arnaurd were kind of just extra for me. Definitely a Frankenstein Romeo and Juliet - very cool.
 
Bridget D. said:
Wow - really enjoyed reading this one - definitely an interesting script. I'm okay with the violence Vilefort showed toward Mary - plenty of people are in love/hate relationships. I think his anger would also extend to Arnaurd though. I thought the flashbacks were fine - kept me wanting to find out the whole story. Also liked the misdirection concerning Arnaurd and Mary's relationship. I would have liked the script to end on the scene where Mary kills herself. The constables breaking in with Arnaurd were kind of just extra for me. Definitely a Frankenstein Romeo and Juliet - very cool.
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Thanks. Hmmm, end when the gears finally stop for good. hmmmm
 
I think you're wanting (O.S.) instead of voice overs on the first page. The people are present in the scene, but we just don't see them yet.

Make sure to place commas where they are really needed. For example, on page 2, "
He examines the clock peering wearily at his ragged reflection in the glass face." There should be a comma after 'clock' because without it, it reads like the clock peers wearily. You don't want to pull the reader out of the story for a moment as they try to figure out what you meant.

On page 3, "Vilefort slams his fist down." In action lines, be perfect with grammar. He would slam down his fist if you use the preposition correctly. In dialogue, people usually don't speak properly so don't worry about it there. But in action lines, it's the writer's chance to show how well they master writing overall so take advantage.

When you end a nightmare or flashback, note that to the left instead of the right because it looks off to be in place of a transition. Anything that "looks" off can distract the reader from the story. While many might not be bothered by small things, we have no idea how producers will react to minor things so it's best to try and make everything run smoothly in order to not take any chances.

He/she, him/her. Most writers slip on these from time to time until someone points them out. When using any of these, they need to refer to the last person who spoke, or was named in an action. Otherwise, you could be pointing out the wrong person. On page 4, Vilefort speaks. That is followed by "She stares at him unresponsive." The 'she' here isn't referring to the last person who spoke. Okay, we can sort that out by reading a little further, but the reader shouldn't have to sort out things like this. It should always be clear, part of the writer's job. What if you have two men in a scene and you don't use the he/him's properly? There could be a lot of confusion over whom is supposed to be doing what, so it's a great practice to have to make sure you always use them properly.

It was really cool how Mary is half clock. I think, as it has been pointed out, that things read a bit confusing with the flashbacks and dreams. In a feature script, there's a lot more room to sort these out, but in a short script of 10 or less, we have to be careful that using these tricks don't confuse readers. I'm not sure if you should lose them, or better explain them. But I believe some work should be done there just to help make things clearer.

A very eerie atmosphere with a plot that was different. Good job!​

 
Thanks, vickyn

- I think you're wanting (O.S.) instead of voice overs on the first page. The people are present in the scene, but we just don't see them yet.

:) Nope, because these are actually memories, not the people in the scene. This script is filled with tricksies

- When you end a nightmare or flashback, note that to the left instead of the right because it looks off to be in place of a transition.

I believe starting transitions are on the left and ending transitions are on the right. I could be wrong.

 - A very eerie atmosphere with a plot that was different. Good job!​

Thanks, that's what I was going for.
 
Thanks for your feedback everyone! I'll use it to make this even better. Then I'll watch as all the directors laugh at how hard it would be to film. :)
 
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