A Clockwork Darkened

Hi Chris,

I love original stories and unusual set ups! I got sucked in right from the start, reads so dark... I read it twice and I'm glad I did - it's interesting and original.

On p3 - I thought it's about an infidelity, I thought Mary and Arnaud became an item - maybe that part is too misleading? And then present time Arnaud seems a little mellow.
Vilefort hits her much for not remembering - it might be cruel. On the other hand - that tricks her into thinking he was the villain and killing him seems just the right thing for her to do at the time.

You may choose not to change a bit.
 
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DarkElastic said:
Hahahahaha, my comments are just trying to be helpful and are an opinion. I did enjoy the one room world you created and loved the Frankenstein's monster lover. Just a couple of things, in my mind, needed more information or direction.
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Thanks! That's exactly how I took it. Every little bit helps to make it better.
 
KhamIsk said:
Hi Chris,

I love original stories and unusual set ups! I got sucked in right from the start, reads so dark... I read it twice and I'm glad I did - it's interesting and original.

On p3 - I thought it's about an infidelity, I thought Mary and Arnaud became an item - maybe that part is too misleading? And then present time Arnaud seems a little mellow.
Vilefort hits her much for not remembering - it might be cruel. On the other hand - that tricks her into thinking he was the villain and killing him seems just the right thing for her to do at the time.

You may choose not to change a bit.
Click to expand...

Thanks, you might be right. I've been recieving mixed reviews from it's fine to change it. So every little bit helps... unless of course I still get mixed signals. :)
 
Chris, I love your descriptive writing style. That said I thought the story jumped back in time a bit too much. I think it could have benefited from being a little less wordy in places JMHO. I'm going to reread it. I would love to read this story as a short story or book. I am by no means an expert on screenplays so don't put too much weight on anything I say. You are a very good writer that does comes across in this piece. I think in the case of a screenplay, less is sometimes better. Enjoyed it.
 
Solid story and well structured. I like you use of wording in the descriptions, very rich. But sometimes they get a bit to over descriptive. The shots and paragraphs were broken up nicely, but just seemed to spend too long in scenes breaking down what we see. But again this is more a style thing. Just read like the piece could have be shorter. I also found I had to read over one or two scenes as they appeared unclear and I figured it might be me and they way I picked up on your story, but I DarkElastic covered some of this (and more besides).

Well crafted story, shows a real flare for screenwriting. Well done.
 
:embarasse -
Drogar-Shock%28DBG%29.gif
- :furious3: - :violent5:
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??????

And I didn't mean I DarkElastic, I'm not DarkElastic.Typo.
 
Hey Chris, checked this out. At first I was like, oh god, another torture-porn film about a big evil guy abusing a girl. But the payoff of finding out the truth behind the situation made it worthwhile.

Really liked the steampunkness of it. Really creative and visual environment (although it would be expensive to realize).

I agree that he shouldn't beat her, or at least as much. It would be cool if he never hit her, but by the way she interpreted the flashbacks it seemed like he had in the past (you already have some of that in there, but you could expand on it). That combined with his aggressive angry behavior could sell the idea that he beats her, even though he doesn't.

I wasn't confused about Atraud. Nor did I have a problem with the frequent flashbacks, I can see that working on film.
 
I think this was a great modern fable. Some old some new.

Your format was perfect and it makes me want to vomit.
There is a poetry in this one that isn't always in your work. It's nice. It's weird but I could see this working as stop-action or even in an entirely different language subtitled. Just for feel. How artsy!

My only gripe is that I didn;t write it and that I kept hearing DotMatrix's voice for Mary! =) I keeed, I keeed.
 
love this one... i kept thinking frankenstein. good use of flashbacks, in my opinion, and i liked the twist at the end. i agree you could do without the beating, but if she was violent like frankenstein that would explain that... i love the visual of the metal face... well done. :)
 
jamiejay said:
love this one... i kept thinking frankenstein. good use of flashbacks, in my opinion, and i liked the twist at the end. i agree you could do without the beating, but if she was violent like frankenstein that would explain that... i love the visual of the metal face... well done. :)
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Thanks!
 
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