When Bill Hardy Put Down His Gun

Hi Sarah, I've just read your script and thanks for the read.

I thought this was a really nice story with a happy ending, I think the first for this Fest... I don't think anyone died... Wow, well done.

I agree with most things that have been said. Structure was good. There was good dialogue and not so good. The near death but being saved by the bible stopping the bullet could have been changed... etc.

Overall though, a very nice story with a happy ending and no deaths!!! Well done.
 
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Hi Sarah!
A few notes I scribbled down through 1st read.
Excellent writing - flashback good - wee bit disappointing ending - (this probably, given the genre, you expect someone to pop up with gun - BANG - hero dead)
On 2nd read, I changed my mind and think the end was just right. This tale didn't rely on a twist at the finish, the story was told right throughout the script, and the lesson learnt before the end. Any 'surprise' last page would have seemed plain silly.
See you've had a few comments about characters 'voices' being a bit same(ish).
Seansshack gave good advice - re. reading dialogue out aloud.
I'm into a wee bit of acting /voiceovers and tend to superimpose voices on lotsa stuff I read - I didn't have any probs at all, distinguishing characters from your dialogue.
Overall, loved it.
 
seansshack said:
Try and cut it back to a few sentences for each set. Also try and make each characters speech different (if you can) give them something unique to the others - even if it's constantly repeating words or getting words wrong.
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Yes, clever, Sean - I've had other people mention my same-talking characters so I might have to revisit a few scripts with this approach!

And thanks for all the comments - much appreciated!
 
jasonthewho said:
Nice solid script. Reads really easily.

The one thing I'd like to add is that your initial set up of Bill is so effective and powerful and dark, from the opening scene to his entrance at the bar, that when he talks and is so darn nice, it's a letdown.

I'd just edge up his dialogue a lot.

I think the kid should totally take the bullet. But then, I'm a Martin McDonagh fan.
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Hey - thanks for reading Jason! And glad you mostly liked it!

I agree with you on Bill...he is terribly nice. I guess, thinking about it, I haven't written many bad guys...

Next script I write I'm gonna imagine Alan Rickman or John Malkovich. Or indeed Ralph Fiennes in In Bruges...too much? :)

Thanks again dude!!!
 
Oh and DarkElastic and NJPage - thank you!!! All great comments and I will surely take them on board.

Note to self - Must sort dialogue out :)

Oh, ps. DarkElastic - I think you'll find I did actually kill a minor character...at least I implied his death with the word slumped...oh maybe I didn't! Goodness you're right! Hell I'm an incurable pacifist :)
 
Sarah, this was a refreshing story. Not a bank robber in sight. I absolutely loved your opening images with Bill and James, then his mother. It lost some of its steam in the saloon with the telling of the story but still maintained my interest. I definitely want to find out what happened so you kept me going.

My biggest complaint would have to be with Bill's "voice." It didn't feel consistent. Sometimes he had the edge of a western lawman and others he sounded a bit gentrified.
Considering what he'd seen in his life, I was hoping he'd have a harder edge.

You really telegraphed the Bible thing. The minute Danny gave the Bible to Bill, I thought to myself, it's going to stop a bullet.

I think this could have been an even stronger story had it been primarily between Bill and Anna.

As it was, it was a sweet story. The gunfighter who looked death in the face and saw his own mortality. Definitely one of the more tender pieces in this fest. It was a good read and kept me interested all the way through.
 
The thing I liked most about this story was Bill Hardy's struggle with facing his family. That's what sells it. I think a lot of people can relate to not being able to face their loved ones because they are ashamed or afraid to tell them something. It's not just about Bill Hardy realizing that he had been living his life the wrong way, because you can find a way to live with your self once you accept your mistakes. But facing your spouse and children (who think you are a hero) with this realization can be gut wrenching. It makes sense that he would not be able to face them at the beginning. I really got this one and thought it was great work!
 
Thanks Mark - really glad you got it - I was hoping I handled that element of the story the right way. Trying to, in a roundabout way, address issues about what a man is/does once he retires. The cowboy being the epitome of stereotypical manliness :)

And Blaine, thanks for your comments - yes I see now that Bill is a little too polished, too generic. And I like the idea of fleshing out the relationship/divide between Bill and Anna. But that's nice to hear that you found it refreshing. I didn't set out to write something left of center but I guess it seems like I did! Hurray!
 
A happy even "cute" tale, with some tight structure and maybe a tad too preachy for my taste but enjoyable none-the-less. However, I have to agree on the 50/50 dialogue, very inconsistent especially this:
So there I was. Writing my epitaph in my head. Having some trouble cos I never been so good with words.
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He's not good with words but knows "epitaph" unless it was meant to be sort of a joke. Alternatively I really liked this:
Killin' is killin' Eliza. It ain't my place to decide if a man deserves to live or not.
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I could just hear this gruff gunman, tired of the way he's lived. Nice work!
 
Thanks Chris! You are too kind :)

And Mr. Killoran I could say that the epitaph line was a clever insinuation that Bill had some self-esteem issues, a gap between his actual intelligence and what he perceived it to be...but that would be lying. I just liked the idea and couldn't think of a less fancy way to say epitaph. :) Thinking now, I should have said something like 'what to put on my gravestone' but hindsight is 20/20!

But thanks for the examples of what did and didn't work - they're really useful and I do agree with you.

Cheers again everybody!!
 
Awe...this was sweet. :)

I enjoyed the change of heart for reasons of la familia. While I didn't see the end coming, I was confortably happy with the closure. It was like a guy who just one day stops cheating on his wife because he realizes he loves her, lol.

Kudos! :beer::thumbup::( (Drunk people sticking thumbs up my anus makes me sad.)
 
Sarah Daly said:
And Mr. Killoran I could say that the epitaph line was a clever insinuation that Bill had some self-esteem issues, a gap between his actual intelligence and what he perceived it to be...but that would be lying. I just liked the idea and couldn't think of a less fancy way to say epitaph.
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I see, I respect your truthyness :beer:
 
I liked this one from the get go, and I liked the ending, and well.. the whole darn story too. It was a complete portrait of a reformed man.

The thing that grabbed me from the beginning was that you showed us some Backstory right away, so we knew to there was someone missing, and in a way that relates to the story. (boy playing with guns) I really appreciate it that you got to the story right away.

The middle was a little mushy for me. I think when he says that he isn't good with words, I felt that his dialog didn't quite live up to that statement, and the dialog in general could use some trimming, but especially in the middle.

I think you have a great script here, but there's still some extra words/lines that are preventing it from being an excellent script.

One possible example:

EXT. TEXAS PLAINS - DAY
A dusty landscape with rust-red hills on all sides.
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How about:

EXT. DUSTY, RED TEXAS VALLEY - DAY



Touching characters, and enjoyable read. Well done!
 
What this script tells me is that you've done your homework on the genre. Which shows in your story.

You've played it safe. Sure!

But nothing beats a classic. And tales of redemption are as old as the genre.

I bet you've got a lot of comments on the dialog's being self-explanatory or giving too much exposition and repetition. A "we see it and the character is telling it" kinda vibe.

But it's what a Campfire tale demands. And this is like a parable and morality play with Bill Hardy telling 'em "gather around me and i shall tell ye'"...

Love the opening scene and the end. Great bookends. The pacing was perfect with the back and forth. I'd flesh out Danny's character a bit more and the first time he meets Bill, I'd make sure he earns the right for Bill to even hear him out.

What i mean is, Bill is such a tough hardass that he wouldn't listen to a punk kid. He'd atleast smell some kinda rat where there isn't one and slap the kid or have him frisked or something.

Nicely done.

All the best.
 
Yeehaanow - glad you liked it! Appreciate the mushy comment - I know what you mean - I have a tendancy to go down that route but I'm trying to keep it in check! :)

And Rustom - thank you! So glad you liked the way i told my story and felt it was informed. I see what you mean about Danny - hadn't thought of that - think I needed to think a bit more about Bill's character generally - he's sort of got good and bad in him but I suppose I never sat down and thought in which aspects of his character these would show.

So thanks! All very useful!
 
i love the opening scene! it really caught my attention. :)

the dialogue and the bible scene have been covered thoroughly. i also agree that the start was so good that the rest of the story didn't live up to what the start promised.

it has nothing to do with your gender... so, i respectfully disagree about that. it has more to do with the intensity level of the plot. it seemed they convinced him to go home too easily... plus, i wanted him to really have something to be ashamed of... like he accidentally killed the kid, or found out one of the men he killed was innocent, or something... idk. as it is, i couldn't sympathize with his shame because the bad guys all seemed to have it coming to them.

aside from a slight lack of personality in the dialogue, however, i thought your writing (style, mood, description, etc.) was very well done. it was an enjoyable read that was clear and visual.

great work! :)

jamie
 
Hey thanks Jamie - all makes lots of sense - I have been toying with the idea of having the kid take the bullet and ditching the bible - think I'll go for it. You're right - I didn't give him enough to be ashamed of.

And thanks for the kind comments!
 
some very nice dialogue here. a lot of it reminded me of Deadwood, sort of a “frontier Shakespearian” thing. I thought him saying “I ain’t so good with words” or whatever, was completely incongruous with the rest of his dialog which seemed the furthest thing from that original statement. I knew what the bible would do immediately. It’s been done so many times I doubt the best storyteller in the world could slide that one past today’s audiences…

“BILL
Promise me you won't make a
living outta killing. Cos it's no
life at all.”

Immediately reminded me of the line in the Outlaw Josey Wales. “Dying ain’t much of a living, boy.”



i appreciate the difference in tone this brought to the fest where a lot of the entries sort of feel the same, have the same kind of demeanor. this one stands out from the crowd.
 
arroway said:
i appreciate the difference in tone this brought to the fest where a lot of the entries sort of feel the same, have the same kind of demeanor. this one stands out from the crowd.
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Sarah can do that.

But really, they're all westerns. A western is a pretty stereotypical genre. Unless they are on another planet. :)
 
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