Waste Not

DarkElastic said:
Hi Ant, I just read your script.

Great start, loved the lonely dialogue as you could really feel the slip of his mentality. Loved the fact he killed the two for plotting to kill him.

I could see why you tried to do the bullet twist, but shame you never got it right. Also, the end twist, again I can understand why, but it was not needed. Just him suffering lonely, after his deed would have been a great way to end, and in less pages. The bodies of his vistims to keep him alive... quite ironic.

Great try, glad you got involved and I look forward to seeing your improvement in the next Fest, as you have a good style about you.
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Thanks for the read and your opinions.
 
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I really liked the mood you set...the isloation...I actually caught a chill. I liked it up until the alien part. LOL. That was so crazy to me because you totally didn't need it. It was so weird and all they did was tell us what you already did a great job showing us...so why?

I'm going to pretend the alien part wasn't there. So GREAT JOB! :)
 
MML said:
I really liked the mood you set...the isloation...I actually caught a chill. I liked it up until the alien part. LOL. That was so crazy to me because you totally didn't need it. It was so weird and all they did was tell us what you already did a great job showing us...so why?

I'm going to pretend the alien part wasn't there. So GREAT JOB! :)
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Out of all the people who hated the twist, I liked your hatred the best! =)
Thanks a million for reading and being honest!
 
love the way you tell this story, through blake speaking to himself.
It definitely has the feel of isolation and cold.

I agree what the others have said about the ending.

I like it, it's my kind of script, love the mood and atmosphere you've created.

Oh, and nice to meet'cha too :p
 
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Mailliw87 said:
love the way you tell this story, through blake speaking to himself.
It definitely has the feel of isolation and cold.

I agree what the others have said about the ending.

I like it, it's my kind of script, love the mood and atmosphere you've created.

Oh, and nice to meet'cha too :p
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Thanks! I think, I'm softening up to the idea of nixing my twist. Sometimes, stories don't need a twist, they just need to be told. It was an afterthought, and it shows. That's never good. lol. Much appreciated. =)
 
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I don't know Anthony...the twist is growing on me now and I'm thinking about adding it to the end of my SP...

The two birds are on the branch together, the guy is on the sidewalk with suitcase in hand, then the aliens show up and talk about what happened.

Seriously, the really funny part about your twist is it wasn't really a twist. I thought the twist was the betrayal part. And I really liked the story, thought it had come full circle and was over then...the aliens.

My advice...have confidence in your writing. Your story was very strong. You totally didn't need anything extra to make it stand out or give it more of an impact.
 
MML said:
I don't know Anthony...the twist is growing on me now and I'm thinking about adding it to the end of my SP...

The two birds are on the branch together, the guy is on the sidewalk with suitcase in hand, then the aliens show up and talk about what happened.

Seriously, the really funny part about your twist is it wasn't really a twist. I thought the twist was the betrayal part. And I really liked the story, thought it had come full circle and was over then...the aliens.

My advice...have confidence in your writing. Your story was very strong. You totally didn't need anything extra to make it stand out or give it more of an impact.
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You're a peach! I have some good ideas on how to polish this baby.
May I interest you in the re-write, when it's fin? :) Obviously, open to reading any re-writes you may have as well. No pressure, just thanks for being honest.

I just re-read it and realized how "on the nose" the alien dialogue is... I feel a vomit coming on...
 
Hey!! I didn't mind the twist really - dont think it added much thogh - my issue was with all the telling and not showing...pretty cool story and love the tone/setting but I think you could be more visual in your telling of the story - I'm thinking flashbacks to what happened, to the affair, to his girlfriend dissasembling the bullet etc - mess with the chronology, show more and cut most of Blake's talking to himself and this could be really great - then I dont think it would need the aliens twist - instead the twist could be the reveal that he's eating his girlfriend - build up to that instead. Of course, just my opinion! :) You've got the makings of a really good short here just dont be afraid to rethink how you tell it!
 
Sarah Daly said:
Hey!! I didn't mind the twist really - dont think it added much thogh - my issue was with all the telling and not showing...pretty cool story and love the tone/setting but I think you could be more visual in your telling of the story - I'm thinking flashbacks to what happened, to the affair, to his girlfriend dissasembling the bullet etc - mess with the chronology, show more and cut most of Blake's talking to himself and this could be really great - then I dont think it would need the aliens twist - instead the twist could be the reveal that he's eating his girlfriend - build up to that instead. Of course, just my opinion! :) You've got the makings of a really good short here just dont be afraid to rethink how you tell it!
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Thanks Sarah! Great stuff. It's almost like you read the rewrite... lol. Some of your suggestions are already in the new revision, and coming from you, it's a pretty darn good thing to feel like I was on the same page. You are very talented.

Love the chronos idea. I really feel some jump cuts in this... Kind of "Memento" esque maybe... Really helpful stuff. Much thanks. :grin:
 
and here I was actually liking the fact that blake was talking to himself :D
It was a bit unusual. Flashbacks would of course be a lot more visual. obscure flashbacks hm, or like pieces of flashbacks that in the end become a whole... just thinking out loud. I'd like to read the re-write when it's done ! :)

instead the twist could be the reveal that he's eating his girlfriend
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Yeah!! great idea this :)
 
Hey no worries dude!! Thanks! And yep I'd say you're deffo on the right track!
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thanks a million.

and here I was actually liking the fact that blake was talking to himself
It was a bit unusual. Flashbacks would of course be a lot more visual. obscure flashbacks hm, or like pieces of flashbacks that in the end become a whole... just thinking out loud. I'd like to read the re-write when it's done !
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Well, I like it too... lol

Te rewrite is on the first post. But, I am reworking it, yet again to reflect some of Sarahs cool ideas and you too.

I like the chronos idea, and I did add a flashback helping to establish, 3 single shot (suicide pistols), the new handling of the postcard, and the begining of the demise of Blakes relationship with his GF and his best friend.

The meat idea, is good, but I don't want that to be the surprise, I want her "HOPE" that's her name... lol, To truly have the last laugh, and ultimately betray him for betraying her for betraying him. Ha ha ha. Seriously.

I am going to add at least one or two nice lines for Blake, not OTN though... More poetry ( I did name him after William Blake) =) Something in the W.B. realm might work, something sparse...

But your idea Mailli, of splitting the flashbacks up is gold. Since the FB deals with (three) issues, when i need to forshadow or further define, i will jump cut them in.

The aliens got nixed. I liked them and their message about humanity, but when I read how OTN the dialogue was, I knew there days were numbered. lol.

Thanks Guys!
 
BLAKE
...I mean...waste not, want
not...right baby?
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hehe

I think this entry has the best title of the fest.

I thought for sure he was talking to his dead girlfriend (while eating pieces of her) which is sort of like some ghastly parody of that Tom Hanks movie where he talks to the volleyball the whole time...

The ending is very reminiscent of a number of Twilight Zone episodes where different races of aliens comment on the inefficiencies and/or peculiarities of the ape-descended race known as humans. Often times, they are debating whether or not we are worth saving or capable of being saved. To be honest, I think the script would have been more effective without it. There is nothing in the story that prefaces such a thing, no clues, no foreshadowing, so to me, it seems a little superfluous to the base story (which is interesting enough as it is).

My only other niggles would be to include a few flashbacks just to get a more rounded picture of the characters; perhaps he could handle different objects in the tent that trigger different memories/flashbacks?

I also think the alien dialog at the end could use some work on differentiating it from human dialog. An alien prefacing a comment with "Get this" reminded me of "The Coneheads" or something.
 
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arroway said:
hehe

I think this entry has the best title of the fest.

I thought for sure he was talking to his dead girlfriend (while eating pieces of her) which is sort of like some ghastly parody of that Tom Hanks movie where he talks to the volleyball the whole time...

The ending is very reminiscent of a number of Twilight Zone episodes where different races of aliens comment on the inefficiencies and/or peculiarities of the ape-descended race known as humans. Often times, they are debating whether or not we are worth saving or capable of being saved. To be honest, I think the script would have been more effective without it. There is nothing in the story that prefaces such a thing, no clues, no foreshadowing, so to me, it seems a little superfluous to the base story (which is interesting enough as it is).

My only other niggles would be to include a few flashbacks just to get a more rounded picture of the characters; perhaps he could handle different objects in the tent that trigger different memories/flashbacks?

I also think the alien dialog at the end could use some work on differentiating it from human dialog. An alien prefacing a comment with "Get this" reminded me of "The Coneheads" or something.
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Can't really disagree with any of your crits. Thanks for the compliments. The rewrite is the story of Blake and his friends, not an "on the nose" crow-barred in, retelling of the tired argument on Humanities esoteric, shortcomings. it was an after thought and when I reread it made me nauseous.

I agreed with most of my crits and my rewrite reflects it. I am doing a second rewrite now to further, fill some gaps, fatten characters, and layer surprise. This fest has been really helpful.

Thanks Arroway, you just sealed it. The first rewrite is on my first post if you get frisky and want to check it out. =) Thanks for the read. :thumbsup:
 
Click here to read >>Waste Not

Here is the latest rewrite for all those interested in rereading/rereviewing, I will return the flavor!

Thanks for all the feedback, this thing is badass now!!!! =)
 
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