Waste Not

Anthony Todaro

Anthony Todaro

Well-known member
WASTE NOT
An experiment in desperation.

A group of snowed in mountain-climbers are forced to survive however they can, or are they?​

NEWS: The rewrite is now available, anyone willing or interested in rereading/critiquing will get the returned favor or eternal thanks!
Here it is: Waste Not"]Waste Not[/URL] - Thanks in advance! I owe the rewrite to you all.

3 - Actors
1- Exterior
2- Interiors

This will play well visually on screen. No effects, just straight-up good acting.
Will need one solid male lead. Think, young Martin Sheen in the opening hotel scene of Apocolypse Now.

STATUS: Available
 
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Looking forward to the read, Anthony. This fest will be nothing but a great help for you and future scripts.
 
Thanks all. I was expecting to get turned upside down and thrown in a trash can...
Oh wait, that's on the results day!

Thanks again for the support. This site is really invaluable, glad to be here.
 
My guess/take:

Three test subjects in a snowstorm simulator (or not).

At least one knows it's a simulation.
(OR at least one thinks it's a simulation)

When cannibalism is proposed
Observer Effect kicks in.

Lawls.

"You're not really going to eat me, are you?"

Hugh! (collegehumor logo).

I like it.
 
waieez said:
My guess/take:

Three test subjects in a snowstorm simulator (or not).

At least one knows it's a simulation.
(OR at least one thinks it's a simulation)

When cannibalism is proposed
Observer Effect kicks in.

Lawls.

"You're not really going to eat me, are you?"

Hugh! (collegehumor logo).

I like it.
Click to expand...



Okay, i'm stealing that, that is way better then my cruddy script.... Or is it? Muuuuuaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

No really, i'm stealling that. =)
 
I thought this was pretty interesting even if it was a little 'out there'. :)

It's hard to connect with characters when there is such little background information but that's hard to accomplish in six pages. You did make me feel very cold and I could see it playing out clearly in my mind. Scary situation.

Cheers,

MAH
 
Okay, so this is me overthinking, but why did he bring the gun with only three rounds? :) I mean, your average revolver holds six (or five if a little snub-nose .38), so why not fill 'er up? I'm also a little confused as to the sequence of events. Blake finds his last round in the envelope with a message scratched in blood, suggesting that his ex did this somehow after he shot her, as she was dying; but then later it's said that she did it before all that, so why write the message in blood, and why would she even have taken the cartridge apart?

That aside, you do a good job of setting the mood and revealing the full situation slowly as you go along. It's going to be pretty common, I think, for readers of this to immediately think about the book/movie "Alive" when Blake starts eating his ex (I know I did), but to find out later that he's the one that killed them because she was cheating on him with the other corpse adds another level and distinguishes your scenario from that.

But I think the twist at the end actually works against the mood by pulling us out of the sitatuation you've created into (IMO, anyway) a fairly typical "alien observer" cliche. I think it would be stronger just showing Blake curled up with the empty gun in his mouth and then fading out on the shot of the tent in the snow. (Although I really have no leg to stand on with regards to sci-fi twists coming out of the blue in this Fest. :D )
 
The alien angle was different, but without enough interaction with characters in
dialogue, it was difficult to read. Still, good job in trying out a 'twist' ending.
 
The writing is well done, its descriptive and I really felt like I was there in that tent. Unsettling claustrophobic feeling of being trapped in the tent, well done.

Blake's dialogue is good except the "You're my girlfriend" this is too on the nose and it's not needed. You give us enough clues in the following dialogue to figure it out.

Next, I refer back to Captain Pierce's post, it'll save me a lot of typing. I basically agree with all of his comments about the story. The bullets, message, the empty shell casing etc.

I would've preferred this to just be a story of a guy in a tent without the alien angle. But I can see some merit to that twist and it could help explain somethings. Say, the aliens could've disassembled the bullet to see how Blake would react.

A well written story and you did keep my interest, I was interested to see what was going to happen to Blake. Nice visuals, really some good things going on in this script.
 
Captain Pierce said:
Okay, so this is me overthinking, but why did he bring the gun with only three rounds? :) I mean, your average revolver holds six (or five if a little snub-nose .38), so why not fill 'er up? I'm also a little confused as to the sequence of events. Blake finds his last round in the envelope with a message scratched in blood, suggesting that his ex did this somehow after he shot her, as she was dying; but then later it's said that she did it before all that, so why write the message in blood, and why would she even have taken the cartridge apart?

That aside, you do a good job of setting the mood and revealing the full situation slowly as you go along. It's going to be pretty common, I think, for readers of this to immediately think about the book/movie "Alive" when Blake starts eating his ex (I know I did), but to find out later that he's the one that killed them because she was cheating on him with the other corpse adds another level and distinguishes your scenario from that.

But I think the twist at the end actually works against the mood by pulling us out of the sitatuation you've created into (IMO, anyway) a fairly typical "alien observer" cliche. I think it would be stronger just showing Blake curled up with the empty gun in his mouth and then fading out on the shot of the tent in the snow. (Although I really have no leg to stand on with regards to sci-fi twists coming out of the blue in this Fest. :D )
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Thanks!

I heard about this "crew" of climbers who each used to carry a "darrenger" type single shot, micro-pistol and one bullet, in case they needed to commit suicide. I kinda left that out.... Ha ha ha. It's my fisrt real, six pager. So, duly noted.

The idea was as she lay dying, she disassembles the only bullet left, so if he chose to "bite the bullet", he would not be able to and he would suffer. Needed more runway to take off.

I kept asking myself, why did they take an envelope on a mountain-climb?

Thanks for the compliment... Something about a swinging flashlight creeps me out!

Well in alive they were all pretty sane, and they dried the meat in small chunks... BORING!!! lol. I want blood to unfreeze and drip! Also, I was going for that "talking with your mouth open" vibe, to further disturb.

Thanks, that plot point, of the, Oh, he killed them... was how I was inspired to write it. Glad that came through.

I had polar reviews on the ending, some loved it some hated it. I'm a Serling junkie.. What can I say.... "You unlock this door with the key of imagination, beyond it another dimension...."

Thanks allot for the thorough review. Very helpful indeed.
 
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Michael Anthony Horrigan said:
I thought this was pretty interesting even if it was a little 'out there'. :)

It's hard to connect with characters when there is such little background information but that's hard to accomplish in six pages. You did make me feel very cold and I could see it playing out clearly in my mind. Scary situation.

Cheers,

MAH
Click to expand...


Thanks! ha ha.

Yes, I agree that the expansion of each character could bring more to it. I am learning to be more subtle, but simutaniously more concise in these short page constraints. I actually like the challenge, pass or fail.

Thanks for that. I like to make the reader see what I am thinking and what better compliment can a screenwriter ask for?

Thanks a million.
 
Charli said:
The alien angle was different, but without enough interaction with characters in
dialogue, it was difficult to read. Still, good job in trying out a 'twist' ending.
Click to expand...

Different is an interesting word to use to critique. I mean, the word itself implies, a comparison of some sort, so I'm guessing you are comparing it to the "other" story? Ie - Snow-in story, vs. Alien story?

Agree with you that the characters could be expanded, but when you say "hard to read", I wonder if you are implying poorly written, or you could not understand the sequence of events?

Thanks for reading and the critique.
 
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conlanforever said:
The writing is well done, its descriptive and I really felt like I was there in that tent. Unsettling claustrophobic feeling of being trapped in the tent, well done.

Blake's dialogue is good except the "You're my girlfriend" this is too on the nose and it's not needed. You give us enough clues in the following dialogue to figure it out.

Next, I refer back to Captain Pierce's post, it'll save me a lot of typing. I basically agree with all of his comments about the story. The bullets, message, the empty shell casing etc.

I would've preferred this to just be a story of a guy in a tent without the alien angle. But I can see some merit to that twist and it could help explain somethings. Say, the aliens could've disassembled the bullet to see how Blake would react.

A well written story and you did keep my interest, I was interested to see what was going to happen to Blake. Nice visuals, really some good things going on in this script.
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Thanks!

Agreed, The girlfriend line was a hammer over the head... The ring handles it.

Yeah.. What's with the white letter size envelope? Anyone? Bueller?...

I need to make it the "one-shot, micro pistol" that I read about. In my reply to Captains review.
I could probably drop a hint about it similar to the "Never leave the tent without your boots on and your suicide pistol"

Something like that would have been a bit expository, but I think I could refine it. Thanks for the secondary heads up.

Yeah, I keep getting North and South on the twist. Non writers have been loving it... ha ha! Does that mean I'm not a writer... lol.

Thank You very much for the compliments. What more could I ask for then to read "Well Written, Nice Visuals, Kept My Interest". Much thanks.
 
I enjoyed it! You set up the atmosphere well. I liked the way you wrote the dialogue. It added an extra visual layer to the script by having us see Blake shiver as he says each line. That worked perfectly to continue to establish the cold atmosphere of the script.

I did feel that some of the dialogue was a bit on the nose, but it was never distracting. I personally like the ending you gave this one. It just adds to the hopelessness that you've already created for Blake. Good job!
 
kennethhurd said:
I enjoyed it! You set up the atmosphere well. I liked the way you wrote the dialogue. It added an extra visual layer to the script by having us see Blake shiver as he says each line. That worked perfectly to continue to establish the cold atmosphere of the script.

I did feel that some of the dialogue was a bit on the nose, but it was never distracting. I personally like the ending you gave this one. It just adds to the hopelessness that you've already created for Blake. Good job!
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Thanks for the crit!

Agreed about the OTN points. I'm learning to hone it back. I am gonna do a rewrite after its all said and done. See if I can't make it the best it can be.

Thank you for all the detailed observations. Very helpful. :2vrolijk_08:
 
I need a blanket, I'm cold now lol.

I liked it, very descriptive and I got a good sense of geography and tone. Great atmosphere and Blake even though we don't know enough about background to connect with him but he was believable as we enter this moment of his life.

I'm not a fan of the twist. It just took me out of the story and IMO doesn't necessarily add anything to the story.
 
MrKilloran said:
I need a blanket, I'm cold now lol.

I liked it, very descriptive and I got a good sense of geography and tone. Great atmosphere and Blake even though we don't know enough about background to connect with him but he was believable as we enter this moment of his life.

I'm not a fan of the twist. It just took me out of the story and IMO doesn't necessarily add anything to the story.
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Thanks for the read and crits MrK!

Yes, twas but a snapshot and what we see is what we get. Glad you saw that, I think it would work visually to just cut in on Blake the nutjob and understand he has been Walter. E. Kurtz-a-fied.

Admittedly, a self-indulgent, Serling nod to finish.

Thanks again!
 
Hi Ant, I just read your script.

Great start, loved the lonely dialogue as you could really feel the slip of his mentality. Loved the fact he killed the two for plotting to kill him.

I could see why you tried to do the bullet twist, but shame you never got it right. Also, the end twist, again I can understand why, but it was not needed. Just him suffering lonely, after his deed would have been a great way to end, and in less pages. The bodies of his vistims to keep him alive... quite ironic.

Great try, glad you got involved and I look forward to seeing your improvement in the next Fest, as you have a good style about you.
 
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