Twice Shy

krestofre

krestofre

Knight of the Holy Order
Twice Shy

After her divorce, a damaged woman begins to hope for a second chance at love and happiness as a sympathetic coworker befriends her.

Good luck to all the entrants.
 
Ah, now this was a terrible story, for the chick at least. This was well written and is certainly a betrayal. I even felt for her and I'm a coldhearted bastard.
 
Possible Spoilers


Depressing.

Quite well written and thought out. You left me wanting a little more and I like that. What a scumbag!

Interesting way to start it off as well. Nothing like getting it out of the way. :)

Nice work.

MAH
 
Hi Krest, I 've read youir script.

I liked your script. It is a very sombre story, and is also very real. As much as Mark is the BAD GUY here, I also can understand his reluctance to start anything, after a bitter divorce... Zaza will probably love the Mark character!!!
As much as giving us the ending at the beginning is a good way to draw us in, it felt a little flat nearer to the end, as it was all too straight sailing... I suppose 6 pages does not help.
 
Well written, and I think a good choice to take the betrayal out of order and mix things up a little bit.

I didn't quite get Mark, though. If we take him at face value, there's no reason for him to do what he does to Ruth. If he's the kind of guy who's going to fake being sympathetic and being in a similar situation to her in order to get laid, he doesn't even manage the last (and presumably most important) part. :) So unless I'm missing something (always a possibility, I admit), it just doesn't make any sense to me why he would stand her up like that.

(And in the weird coincidences area, I have a sister-in-law named Ruth who's dating a guy named Mark. :D )
 
You did a really good job in developing your two lead characters. For only six pages, you were able to make me feel like I've known them both for a lot longer. I liked how you introduced the betrayal right at the start, but it left me wanting to see something different revealed towards the end. That said, it's a very well written script with great characters. I liked it.
 
Bleak, well done.

Ruth was developed quite well, I felt for her character but Mark I feel something was missing. some inclination as to his motivation towards the end.

Spoiler: Will she nail "Hope" to the wall or is it banished forever to the dark corners of the closet?
 
Quite the somber tale. It felt real and I mean that in the best way.

I really felt for Ruth and I was definitely invested in her character. I agree with some of what has been said about Mark, something was missing, albiet something small.

Mark still felt like a real person to me and his encouragement to Ruth to hang the "Hope" picture, just makes his betrayal more despicable.

The writing was descriptive, but concise. Nicely done.

The only nitpik I have is when Sam is introduced. There is no indication of how old he is, granted he is holding a teddy bear, so I assume he is fairly young. Also the following sentence (in the same section) just read strange to me...


He sits in the center of a​
circle of moving boxes.


Are the boxes moving, could be me and just the way I'm reading it.

A good, realistic, emotional story.
 
Definitely a bleak story. I got a little confused in the beginning with so many
intercuts, I would have liked the story to be a bit more fluid. We did however
get to know the character of Ruth within the short time.
 
I like the beginning. A bit mysterious, peaked my interest.

This is nitpickickng but I reacted to Mark's nod after they kiss,
I think a verbal answer would work better, in my mind anyway.

of course, the chinese symbols meaning might past some viewers,
I personally am not familiar with them. No big thing though.

Hmm the ending, even though you supply a link to the beginning it still felt a bit loose.
Why does he show up with another woman at her house?
Is it his girlfriend? If so, why would he show up with her?

Otherwise I liked the dialogue and the scenes with Ruth and Mark.

Sombre. I liked it.
 
I essentially felt that the payoff being in the beginning wasn't necessarily a good thing in that it made no sense in relation to the ending. I didn't understand why he would invite her to dinner, only to stand her up and then go to his own apartment with another woman, vice going to her's where Ruth would not catch him.

It just didn't make sense and ended up pulling down the whole story for me. Not to be harsh, just throwing it out there. Your writing was solid, so you're good there. I'm only hitting the story.
 
This had one of those endings that made you go ooh clever! and rethink how you've perceived the whole film - I like those - and you did this well. I totally didn't see it come and when it did it was a definite - eek moment. Poor Ruth's been played. Sure you don't set up Mark to be 'that' kind of guy but thats exactly the point - we're not supposed to suspect just as Ruth doesn't. I do think the story relies a little too much on it's twist and you could maybe give the dialogue a little run over to make it a bit less 'on the nose' in places, but overall, a very solid work!
 
Hey Krest, I'm Anthony =)

A sad and very relatable tail. Loved the Godardian-style intercuts. The dialogue in the break room was genuine, and I could feel their connection. A few OTN's but sometimes it's a necessary evil (see my clunker =) -- I thought is was smart how you set Mark up from the begining as a bit of a black-heart, so when he turns into a total jagoff, I had that "A-ha".

Some tech stuff, I was a bit confused at your choice to not use ON BLACK: because when the door opened, I didn't realize we had left blackness. I am a nube so, might just be me.

My only other minor, was some of the action was less descriptive and more of a tell, then a show, but that's my own, retarded peev. =)

Also, I get why you chose to avoid the flashback convention and thought after I read it, it was actually thoughtful of you to mislead us a tad. So nice work on that.

Nailed the theme.
I felt so sad of her, so I guess you nailed her character too!

Well done, it was a pleasure to read.
 
Oh man...poor Ruth. She's gonna need a hug.. LOL. I liked how you started with the end and then showed us how it lead to her standing in front of his apartment.

I felt a lot of sympathy for her and wanted to punch Mark in the face...so great job making me care about the characters. :) I liked the Chinese symbol thing. That was a nice extra touch, even though it blew up in her face.

Nice writing...nice work.
 
After reading this I thought this is good editing in the cutting room, but you wrote it in a different order. First time I read a script this way. Nice! Good development on Ruth. We get a good sense of what she's going through.

When Mark didn't show, I wondered where the miscommunication was. I can definitely see this happening but there was no clear reason why Mark would not have shown up.
 
I always have trouble reading scripts that are written like this, with a lot of switching between the present and the past. I think it's especially hard in shorter form when you're not as intimately familiar with the characters and setting, for me at least it becomes confusing fast and requires much re-reading before it all syncs up. I think things like this are much easier to "digest" seeing a film, rather than reading one.

With that said. some of the dialog was quite elegant and realistic sounding and even if the ending was rather dour, I can still appreciate it.
 
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