TOUCHED - A script by Ben Sliker

Ben Sliker

Ben Sliker

Pain In The Ass 2.0
touched_poster.jpg


This one didn't make the cut.

Oops ... I guess I let the cat out of the bag.
 
POSSIBLE SPOILERS

Very well written script, Ben.
I really liked the concept and the discussions came off as quite believable. It had a very real tone to it. Well done.

The only thing I could not understand was how he wouldn't know what school she went to?
There is a big age difference between myself and my oldest sibling but as his brother I know every school he attended throughout his life.

Aside from that it was an enjoyable script even though it was pretty clear where the betrayal was coming from.
Again, if I just came across this script I probably wouldn't have even seen it coming as I wouldn't have been looking for the theme.

Either way, this was a very good read.

MAH
 
Very nice script. I think we see the ending coming, but it's not a story that is only supported by a twist ending, so I wouldn't consider such a realization a problem. Character development was strong. This would be an excellent actors' piece.
 
Nice! I really enjoyed this script, great job on the twist. Since my Dad is 79 now and still active and sharp as a tack, I'd have liked to see the father much older (90+).
Didn't you know 70 is the new 50 these days?

Well written story. Thanks for sharing.
 
I loved this twisted tale of betrayal. I guess it is possible to come up with a serious betrayal in 6 minutes. Good Job!
 
I drove past a big billboard on the way home tonite that said something about movies only showing the smoking, not the addiction. I'm guessing this one will make the anti-smoking types happy. :D

It left me wanting more, like how Jessica turned from the little girl bringing gifts home for her father to the bitter woman wanting him dead. (I'm not saying that needed to be in here, because that's a whole lot to cover on the page you had left :); I mean I liked the script and wanted to know more about the characters.)
 
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The ending was quite clear, so good job on that.

I did not like the opening. I know you were trying to set up the tone but we're in the hallway
and then you state "down the hallway" uh, we're "in" the hallway. I'd rather you
just show us the action and get to the story quicker.

The dialogue felt more like exposition than an actual revealment of each character.
I also agree on the age, think 90s or late 80s.
 
some answers!

Michael Anthony Horrigan said:
POSSIBLE SPOILERS
The only thing I could not understand was how he wouldn't know what school she went to?
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I figure that these two people were distant enough that this kind of detail isn't something they would talk about. Plus it's about 30-40 years removed. Hell, I can barely remember all the schools I've gone to, I'm only 25! Perhaps if I set up that these two people barely talked, ever, especially since she left very early in his life.

krestofre said:
Very nice script. I think we see the ending coming, but it's not a story that is only supported by a twist ending, so I wouldn't consider such a realization a problem. Character development was strong. This would be an excellent actors' piece.
Click to expand...

Thanks! I definitely set it up as an actor's piece, I'm glad that showed through.

ZazaCast said:
Since my Dad is 79 now and still active and sharp as a tack, I'd have liked to see the father much older (90+).
Didn't you know 70 is the new 50 these days?
Click to expand...

haha. I never imagined the father old enough to be senile. Just old enough to be in a nursing home. Plus I didn't want to deal with giving him some disease, etc. 70 may be the new 50, but death doesn't have an age. :)

Chris_Keaton said:
I loved this twisted tale of betrayal. I guess it is possible to come up with a serious betrayal in 6 minutes. Good Job!
Click to expand...

yay me!

Captain Pierce said:
I drove past a big billboard on the way home tonite that said something about movies only showing the smoking, not the addiction. I'm guessing this one will make the anti-smoking types happy. :D
Click to expand...

lol on the billboard.

Charli said:
The ending was quite clear, so good job on that.

I did not like the opening. I know you were trying to set up the tone but we're in the hallway
and then you state "down the hallway" uh, we're "in" the hallway. I'd rather you
just show us the action and get to the story quicker.

The dialogue felt more like exposition than an actual revealment of each character.
I also agree on the age, think 90s or late 80s.
Click to expand...

boy, i just can't win with you charli, can I? lol. would 'at the end of the hall' work better?:2vrolijk_08:
 
Very well done. Written really well.

You got me to care about the characters and give me some insight into them in just a few pages. Nice idea for a betrayal.

Really enjoyed this script.
 
Now that is how it's done. The theme is all over this. Well written and crafted. Compelling and touching. I didn't expect it.
Great work. I'm so glad he didn't do it. =)
 
A really carefully crafted story. Strong character development and you generated enough information to understand their personalities. great work, I liked it. :thumbsup:
 
Hi,

It's definitely an actors script. Very well written, believable and interesting characters, dialog flowed and felt natural. I liked the last detail "The pipe falls out from Gerald’s hand and on to the porch."

Don't really have any negative critique. Nice work
 
Hi Ben, just read your script.

Really well constructed script with good characters and an obvious betrayal.

I agree above that I wanted more. Why did she do it? What was in the tobacco? But, even without this detail it was still an easy and compelling read. Well done.
 
Whoa. That was harsh. I liked it. GREAT betrayal. The dialog is a bit stiff but the idea is really good. Very nice job. :)
 
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