Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
I liked the 'third time lucky' line. I would've went with the more traditional 'third times a charm' though.
The Things I See
- Thread starter DarkElastic
- Start date
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Thanks Chris :beer:
mookid
Member
Like somebody else has said the scenario is interesting and it could be part of a bigger story. Maxwell is a mysterious protagonist and this could be the final moment of his movie.
Remarks about technical details: some of the descriptions felt static compared to the action. For example
Remarks about technical details: some of the descriptions felt static compared to the action. For example
Suppose a radio commentator is reporting LIVE about this fight. Would he talk like that? The second half of the sentence feels detached. You are describing the creature's intent and not what is going on. I would choose more direct description.
Similar abstract description in:
You and the reader know their intent but how would the audience understand them through visual clues?
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Thanks for the tips Moonkid and thanks for reading.
Tim Joy
Veteran
Wow. High concept. Very creative.
I had a hard time getting into it, maybe because the descriptions are too much and don't flow well, especially the opening description. The VO is too on-the-nose for me. I think there's a better way to say, 'My name is X and this is who I am...' than the way he does.
One other thing that I personally have a hard time with is typos. There's quite a few, and one in the first scene heading. Maybe I'm just an anal prick, but when I see that right off the bat it reads as totally amateur. Sorry for being harsh.
I think you have something with the concept. Loved the ending too. Keep writing!
I had a hard time getting into it, maybe because the descriptions are too much and don't flow well, especially the opening description. The VO is too on-the-nose for me. I think there's a better way to say, 'My name is X and this is who I am...' than the way he does.
One other thing that I personally have a hard time with is typos. There's quite a few, and one in the first scene heading. Maybe I'm just an anal prick, but when I see that right off the bat it reads as totally amateur. Sorry for being harsh.
I think you have something with the concept. Loved the ending too. Keep writing!
It seemed like the framework for a good summer action/horror movie. It had kind of a Catholic meets Cthulhu feel, strange combo yes but it worked here. Perhaps could have explained Max's powers a bit more or a bit of background for him and the others like him among the action. Felt like it needed more pages, and that is rare for me to say as usually i read stuff and want to trim things down like drunken gardener with weed wacker.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
What are you trying to say Tim, that a Penthouse can't wear a suit!?!?!?!?
Yes, I agree you are being anal. I try not to let typos in anyone's script spoil my enjoyment of it, especially in these Fest's. Oh, and I am an amateur.:beer:
Thanks for reading and commenting though.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Thanks for reading and reviewing JM.
mookid
Member
I thought about the voice overs as well. Maxwell doesnt really have a reason to talk to the audience like that. It's not a real confession and he isn't depressed like for example the dude in Nest Runners. But you could give him a motivation:
you could put a second hidden person in a corner of the room. It would appear as if Maxwell talks to himself but halfway through it turns out he talked to this person.
And then maybe make this person totally oblivious to the battle, doesnt notice when the sword stabs through the ceiling. He or she worries about the rocket launches instead, makes jokes about Maxwells "visions".
When the battle ends Maxwell's tells him it's over and the person is like "how do you know"... and then Maxwell's prophecy comes true, the nukes fail and the person just stands there, realizing that Maxwell didn't joke around or something like that.
you could put a second hidden person in a corner of the room. It would appear as if Maxwell talks to himself but halfway through it turns out he talked to this person.
And then maybe make this person totally oblivious to the battle, doesnt notice when the sword stabs through the ceiling. He or she worries about the rocket launches instead, makes jokes about Maxwells "visions".
When the battle ends Maxwell's tells him it's over and the person is like "how do you know"... and then Maxwell's prophecy comes true, the nukes fail and the person just stands there, realizing that Maxwell didn't joke around or something like that.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Not a bad idea Moonkid, and if I did develop it further I might go that way.
But for this short, Maxwell is speaking to the audience, to anyone. He knows what could happen at the end of this battle, he holds all the knowledge whether he likes it or not, and he just needs to get it off his chest before the human race, and his life, ends. As simple as that. That is his reason, and it is a kind of confession.
With more time, then maybe he could have a larger in your face motive, maybe he is speaking to a reporter, or family member, but this will do for a 6 page short.
Thanks for your comments.
But for this short, Maxwell is speaking to the audience, to anyone. He knows what could happen at the end of this battle, he holds all the knowledge whether he likes it or not, and he just needs to get it off his chest before the human race, and his life, ends. As simple as that. That is his reason, and it is a kind of confession.
With more time, then maybe he could have a larger in your face motive, maybe he is speaking to a reporter, or family member, but this will do for a 6 page short.
Thanks for your comments.
Tim Joy
Veteran
HA HA. Yes. It can-
EXT PENTHOUSE
The Penthouse wears a three piece pinstriped suit. It reaches into its pocket and retrieves a watch. Light raindrops appear on...
Ok, maybe it CAN'T. :grin:
I think we're all amateurs here, so I sir, am humbled. :huh:
DarkElastic
Well-known member
:beer:
God, I like that. I should have done my MonsterFest script on a skyscraper wearing a suit with a gigantic watch...
God, I like that. I should have done my MonsterFest script on a skyscraper wearing a suit with a gigantic watch...
Rustom Irani
Active member
A six page short doesn't give you much liberty to savor the setting and establish too much character or situation and therefore the opening of this piece feels extremely slow to me.
You can easily condense info like this in two short sentences. The characters social status is obvious, as well. Unless he was a hobo you don't need to mention his wealth.
This is a production designer's wet dream however.
The "beings" themselves are given quite a bit of description which is understandable considering the fact that they are created out of your imagination. I can't help but feel that you could again be terse in that regard. Or at least separate the two descriptions, bunched together they read like a passage from a book.
Again the emphasis is to convey shot styles through phrase description.
Secondly, though the contest called for a Monster theme and you've definitely done so, I can't help but feel that these would fall more into the Fantasy realm and the elements are more theological than occult or human created in a sense.
Your style however is quite visual and once the action begins I was mesmerized by the choreography.
Another clever plot device, which works quite well in a short, is the countdown/ticking bomb element. The impending nuclear strikes enhances the pacing and I would love it if you start with this image from the start instead of dallying on the full page intro with Max in his penthouse.
The monologue is well-written and gives Max an ominous everyman quality as an observer but he seems part of a much larger story which you hint at when he mentions he has seen many battles like these before.
I'd like to see this expanded, the descriptions re-worked to curt phrases instead of chunky rolling sentences and paragraphs.
Very ambitious and imaginative!
All the best!
You can easily condense info like this in two short sentences. The characters social status is obvious, as well. Unless he was a hobo you don't need to mention his wealth.
This is a production designer's wet dream however.
The "beings" themselves are given quite a bit of description which is understandable considering the fact that they are created out of your imagination. I can't help but feel that you could again be terse in that regard. Or at least separate the two descriptions, bunched together they read like a passage from a book.
Again the emphasis is to convey shot styles through phrase description.
Secondly, though the contest called for a Monster theme and you've definitely done so, I can't help but feel that these would fall more into the Fantasy realm and the elements are more theological than occult or human created in a sense.
Your style however is quite visual and once the action begins I was mesmerized by the choreography.
Another clever plot device, which works quite well in a short, is the countdown/ticking bomb element. The impending nuclear strikes enhances the pacing and I would love it if you start with this image from the start instead of dallying on the full page intro with Max in his penthouse.
The monologue is well-written and gives Max an ominous everyman quality as an observer but he seems part of a much larger story which you hint at when he mentions he has seen many battles like these before.
I'd like to see this expanded, the descriptions re-worked to curt phrases instead of chunky rolling sentences and paragraphs.
Very ambitious and imaginative!
All the best!
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Thanks for reading and commenting, Rustom.
arroway
Well-known member
Wow, that was pretty far out. Reminded me a lot of "The Mothman" (and all it's conspiracy mythos) combined with ""Night Watch combined with (oddly) "City of Angels"
IMO, the opening description goes on way too long. Especially when you only have six pages to work with.
It's also a strange idea that there would be a certain number of people able to see these epic battles but have no way of effecting them. This is also makes Maxwell more of a narrator than a protagonist as he is simply describing the action without having any hand in it. Barring exposition, his inclusion is irrelevant to the going's on of the story. I'm not saying that's wrong or needs correcting (this being a short, i don't think it does) I just find it peculiar and I can't for the life of me think of anything to compare it to.
My favorite part of the script were your descriptions of the opposing beings. Very elegant.
Maxwell says "the members of night and dark meet at dusk..." and I immediately wondered do they meet every night or only for big events a la "The Mothman"?
I didn't understand why Maxwell called humanity a virus and then cried when he realized that dark had won and humanity was doomed.
I liked the action and I think you write it very well but towards the end it got a little repetitive for me. It is a very fine line to tread between too much and too little. When it comes to fight choreography I like to err to the side of "too much" (it's so fun to write!) even though I should probably do the opposite.
My biggest problem was in not understanding the rules of battle. It seems like a sudden death scenario where the first warrior to go down is the side who loses. I'm not sure if I like that better than the alternative of a "last man standing" scenario or even a light and dark "duel" between only two combatants...actually I just read it again and it seem there were only two combatants and the rest of the beings just watched. If that's the case, I think the two beings that actually fight should be larger, as in Godzilla big. Otherwise Maxwell would be peering through a set of binoculars trying to follow the action.
I think there is the kernal of something great here. I also think you need more pages and some more thought to give that kernal the nurturing it deserves. I would also suggest ruminating on whether or not this would make a better short story than it would a short script as passive protagonists are not out of the norm in a narrative but are very much out of the norm in film.
IMO, the opening description goes on way too long. Especially when you only have six pages to work with.
I would call it something different. For a second there I thought this was going to be a world-of-the-blind scenario. Maybe "...who have the gift of sight...beyond sight"?
It's also a strange idea that there would be a certain number of people able to see these epic battles but have no way of effecting them. This is also makes Maxwell more of a narrator than a protagonist as he is simply describing the action without having any hand in it. Barring exposition, his inclusion is irrelevant to the going's on of the story. I'm not saying that's wrong or needs correcting (this being a short, i don't think it does) I just find it peculiar and I can't for the life of me think of anything to compare it to.
My favorite part of the script were your descriptions of the opposing beings. Very elegant.
Maxwell says "the members of night and dark meet at dusk..." and I immediately wondered do they meet every night or only for big events a la "The Mothman"?
I didn't understand why Maxwell called humanity a virus and then cried when he realized that dark had won and humanity was doomed.
I liked the action and I think you write it very well but towards the end it got a little repetitive for me. It is a very fine line to tread between too much and too little. When it comes to fight choreography I like to err to the side of "too much" (it's so fun to write!) even though I should probably do the opposite.
Behind?
My biggest problem was in not understanding the rules of battle. It seems like a sudden death scenario where the first warrior to go down is the side who loses. I'm not sure if I like that better than the alternative of a "last man standing" scenario or even a light and dark "duel" between only two combatants...actually I just read it again and it seem there were only two combatants and the rest of the beings just watched. If that's the case, I think the two beings that actually fight should be larger, as in Godzilla big. Otherwise Maxwell would be peering through a set of binoculars trying to follow the action.
Great visual!
I think there is the kernal of something great here. I also think you need more pages and some more thought to give that kernal the nurturing it deserves. I would also suggest ruminating on whether or not this would make a better short story than it would a short script as passive protagonists are not out of the norm in a narrative but are very much out of the norm in film.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Thank you for reading and commenting, Arroway.
I don't see why it is strange. The TV series Heroes is about a small percentage of the human race having strange abilities... There are stories throughout the world, film and novels, that have stories of a small group of people having certain gifts.
That is exactly what Maxwell is, an observer. To these beings, Humanity are toys that they can manipulate and only some of us have the ability to see them, but we are far too insignificant to be able to do anything about them. As much as the sight is a gift, it is also a burden, especially at this time.
Yes, they battle every night at the neutral time.
Why not? Like a lot of us in this world, we know what the human race is, we see on the news every day the attrocities we cause, how horrible we are to each other. But that does not mean given the knowledge of mankind's destruction and our own, why would you not weep? There is also a lot of good people out there, who wouldn't deserve it.
This is what is written:
The Dark humanoid slips through the ground, as the Light humanoid attacks. He appears being the Light and sweeps his swords. The Light's wings beat like a humming bird, and drag him away, lightning fast, before the swords hit.
He slips through the roof top and comes back out behind the Light. My gramatical mistake.
These two dialogues explain it.
MAXWELL (VO)
The members of light and dark meet at dusk, neutral time. They battle on Earth to decide whether a human choice will follow the path of failure or success, whether it will be wrought with good or bad luck.
MAXWELL (VO)
Tonight I can feel very few battles, but many eyes are watching. On this building, the highest in the world, the most important battle is to be fought.
Every choice we make is battled out to decide whether it will be lucky for the human or not. And for these beings, winning that decision is a fight to the death. This is shown at the end when the Dark wins and the decision is theirs.
MAXWELL (VO)
Tonight I can feel very few battles, but many eyes are watching. On this building, the highest in the world, the most important battle is to be fought.
Normally there are battles for every decision, but why fight for something that won't happen. This is an important battle to win, and these only come around every 100 million years, or so.
The fight is being fought on the building Maxwell lives in. He cannot see it, he can feel it.
I hope this long response answers your questions
I don't see why it is strange. The TV series Heroes is about a small percentage of the human race having strange abilities... There are stories throughout the world, film and novels, that have stories of a small group of people having certain gifts.
That is exactly what Maxwell is, an observer. To these beings, Humanity are toys that they can manipulate and only some of us have the ability to see them, but we are far too insignificant to be able to do anything about them. As much as the sight is a gift, it is also a burden, especially at this time.
Yes, they battle every night at the neutral time.
Why not? Like a lot of us in this world, we know what the human race is, we see on the news every day the attrocities we cause, how horrible we are to each other. But that does not mean given the knowledge of mankind's destruction and our own, why would you not weep? There is also a lot of good people out there, who wouldn't deserve it.
This is what is written:
The Dark humanoid slips through the ground, as the Light humanoid attacks. He appears being the Light and sweeps his swords. The Light's wings beat like a humming bird, and drag him away, lightning fast, before the swords hit.
He slips through the roof top and comes back out behind the Light. My gramatical mistake.
These two dialogues explain it.
MAXWELL (VO)
The members of light and dark meet at dusk, neutral time. They battle on Earth to decide whether a human choice will follow the path of failure or success, whether it will be wrought with good or bad luck.
MAXWELL (VO)
Tonight I can feel very few battles, but many eyes are watching. On this building, the highest in the world, the most important battle is to be fought.
Every choice we make is battled out to decide whether it will be lucky for the human or not. And for these beings, winning that decision is a fight to the death. This is shown at the end when the Dark wins and the decision is theirs.
MAXWELL (VO)
Tonight I can feel very few battles, but many eyes are watching. On this building, the highest in the world, the most important battle is to be fought.
Normally there are battles for every decision, but why fight for something that won't happen. This is an important battle to win, and these only come around every 100 million years, or so.
The fight is being fought on the building Maxwell lives in. He cannot see it, he can feel it.
I hope this long response answers your questions
arroway
Well-known member
A human having a special ability is not what I found strange. I human having a special ability that has no possible effect on anything is what I found strange. I'm not that familiar with the show "Heroes", but I would bet not a single one of the characters on it have an ability with zero utility. Why would these Observers exist? What is their purpose? To me it seems like they don't have one. Which, again, is fine but I still think short stories are generally more suited for passive protagonists than films are.
You might want to consider revisiting the "virus" line then. To me, that portion of his speech came off very misanthropic which did not gel with the crying a page or two later.
In any case, I enjoyed it.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
The way you put that makes me happier I came up with that gift, it seems quite unique and real.
Anyway, glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the comments, Arroway.
Captain Pierce
Veteran
Well, I'm going to start by limiting myself to commenting on the script. I don't have a problem with Maxwell being an impotent observer; at this length, a script this ambitious does need something of an expositional narrator. ("Hello, Expostion, what's the story?" ) You also did a nice job of describing the fight sequences, and I love the idea of the Light humanoid chopping off the Dark one's arm, ignoring it, and then being attacked by the Dark humanoid and the severed arm simultaneously from different directions.
Now, there's no way around it: you do have a couple of very obvious typos; the first is the smartly-dressed apartment and the second is the swapping of "being" for "behind." I'm not going to dig any deeper looking for them, but... Look, almost all of us in these Fests have been guilty of a typo or two, but here's what you said when somebody mentioned yours:
I guess I can only hope that you were trying to make a joke here that I'm just not getting. It's one thing to not let somebody else's typos "spoil your enjoyment;" it's quite another to suggest that none of us should care about your typos because you're "an amateur." Unless somebody here has a BIG secret, we're all amateurs, dude; that doesn't excuse from knowing the rules and at least trying to follow them. I really don't think it's "anal" to expect someone to do their best to eliminate typos from their script; I guess I consider it their job as a writer, whether they consider themselves "amateur" or "professional."
) You also did a nice job of describing the fight sequences, and I love the idea of the Light humanoid chopping off the Dark one's arm, ignoring it, and then being attacked by the Dark humanoid and the severed arm simultaneously from different directions.Now, there's no way around it: you do have a couple of very obvious typos; the first is the smartly-dressed apartment and the second is the swapping of "being" for "behind." I'm not going to dig any deeper looking for them, but... Look, almost all of us in these Fests have been guilty of a typo or two, but here's what you said when somebody mentioned yours:
I guess I can only hope that you were trying to make a joke here that I'm just not getting. It's one thing to not let somebody else's typos "spoil your enjoyment;" it's quite another to suggest that none of us should care about your typos because you're "an amateur." Unless somebody here has a BIG secret, we're all amateurs, dude; that doesn't excuse from knowing the rules and at least trying to follow them. I really don't think it's "anal" to expect someone to do their best to eliminate typos from their script; I guess I consider it their job as a writer, whether they consider themselves "amateur" or "professional."
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Rest assured Captain Pierce, it was a joke. He left it open and it was too easy resist! I am thankful people point these spelling errors out, but they shouldn't allow the enjoyment of reading a script to be spoilt by them.
I have to do better to check myself. I had trouble finding someone to check through for me. Because, as you know, when you stare at something for so long, you stop seeing... anything!
Thanks for reading and commenting.
I have to do better to check myself. I had trouble finding someone to check through for me. Because, as you know, when you stare at something for so long, you stop seeing... anything!
Thanks for reading and commenting.