The Things I See

DarkElastic

DarkElastic

Well-known member
Tag line: Another night of watching Good battle Evil. But tonight the stakes are higher.

Log line: From his Penthouse suite, Maxwell Cordon watches the Light battle the Dark at the neutral hour, to decide the most important course for the human race.
 
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The script is now in Draft 3. Still not 100% happy with it overall, but I don't have time to create something else, unless a great idea pops into my head sometime soon. I have enough script writing to do from now until mid-September. Hopefully, I will be able to put this through a few more drafts before the comp.
 
Had Mr Jaffa read through it for me and has given me a good bit of appreciated feedback. Going to move this through a couple more drafts before the deadline, I think.
 
I'm uploaded... Still not excited about this script, but it will do for more useful feedback.
I will let you guys and gals be the judge and jurers on it.
 
I loved the visuals of your script. It kept me guessing the entire time and I didn't see the ending coming. Your script reminded me a bit of Nightwatch and I pictured the battle scenes with a lot of slow motion. This would be a visual treat to see shot.
 
Loved it. The end was nice instead of cliche. I first was thinking Night Watch/Day Watch. But it was more primordial. Once the end started I was rooting for the Earth to be spared. I mean if humans are so bad why wouldn't the dark want them to stay around? Great Job!
 
Chris_Keaton said:
Loved it. The end was nice instead of cliche. I first was thinking Night Watch/Day Watch. But it was more primordial. Once the end started I was rooting for the Earth to be spared. I mean if humans are so bad why wouldn't the dark want them to stay around? Great Job!
Click to expand...

That's a good point Chris, but in all these things the Dark just want to create havoc and never really think much farther and they know mother earth will create something else that they can minipulate... or will they? :huh:
:dankk2:
 
Little nitpicks on technical aspects aside (like first introductions of Character being in All CAPS), I liked it. As a visual script this has a great use of language to help the reader paint a scene. With every new paragraph, I got so much detail and insight into scenes and characters. Everything feels well planned out and choreographed, even little details like the symmetry (or lack thereof) of the Light/Dark beings.

At first I thought the voice over would slow things down but it feels more subtle, calming compared to the raging battle taking place. Its quite good and I really liked the ending.
 
Do you plan to expand on this? If not I would. It reads more like a killer intro to a movie than a standalone short.

I would cut down on the descriptions. Tighten them up to use less words. Show more white space on the page as they say (if developing further). Also cut up shots into individual paragraphs of their own. If nothing else it eases the read, but will expand on the page length. The opening scene is a good example. Very descriptive and visual. But you take half a page to explain the character and surroundings.

Also would look at the character intros - capitalize the names on first use

I would drop the line at the end "Here’s to third time lucky!" It read like serious dark piece up to this. Just felt the line didn't fit the tone. I would use :
But the Earth lives on... as she has done so many times before.....

Great writing overall and good story. Thanks.
 
Thanks guys. You know, I have seen other scripts with capitals on the names in first use, I know I should do it, but for some reason I havn't taken it on yet... My next script I promise!

Sean, I wasn't a fan of the last line of dialogue either, and I was annoyed I left it in.

Once again guys, thanks for reading and reviewing.
 
seansshack said:
Do you plan to expand on this? If not I would. It reads more like a killer intro to a movie than a standalone short.
Click to expand...

What do you mean by this Sean? If you have an idea for using this, please PM me and we can come to some arrangement. I never saw this getting made, if I am being honest... to dependant upon FX.
 
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