The Bells

Michael Carter

Michael Carter

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poster


I'm in...
 
Thanks (I'm probably a better photoshopper than script writer...I only gave myself an hour for this one, may still clean it up at some point...)
 
Thanks... like I said... wish I had more time for the poster, bells should be more the blue sky color... etc etc... I just hope I remember to upload the dang script!!!
 
photoshop is fun... great job with the poster. the bells..."what a tale of terror now their turbulency tells!"... glad you entered. :)
 
Thanks - funny, just a couple hours after uploading, my trooper of a G5 finally died. Spending the week moving in to a Mac Pro... I guess 5+ years is a lot to expect from a computer...
 
Hi Michael, I just read your script.

*Spoilers*

Good characters, well paced. You built the tension up well. I do think your poster spoilt the surprise of the Invasion.

20-something guy made me laugh. Early 20s, mid 20s, late 20s maybe.

Top of page 5, you have dialogue by Leah but no name and the action is centred.

You have the parenthetical's in the names. Normally you put them below. These little niggles don't detract from the story though.

Everything was well thought, the dialogue was good. But those last two pieces of dialouge damaged the ending for me... There's no chance humanity would give up that quickly, especially a government agent. We're like an infestation, most humans would clutch to our superiority of the Earth and freedom until our last breath!


Overall, a great little script. A good story that builds to the main invasion. Just that last part. Well done though.
 
Thanks for the feedback -

The poster - well, I couldn't help it once I had the picture in my head. And to me, the essence of that is given away in the 1st scene - I liked the juxtaposing of old-school bells with all those lights.

I suppose I see your point re: the last lines; but this is also the guy who thought to take off their hoods & handcuffs, maybe he's a little more chilled out. Those lines, or the thought behind them, really comes from me imagining "giant spaceships over every city ringing massive iron bells"… I wouldn't think we'd have a chance of fighting 'em off, and… hopefully the reaction of the girl, that it was "beautiful" gave a sense that this wasn't going to be a "bad" thing. Hard to deal with in 10 pages though!

My main worry - why crash one at the start of the story (answer: because there's no story without it!)

I was going to spend a day reading all the scripts- my trusty, trooper G5 died this weekend. (They sure love it at the Apple store when you walk in and say "one mac pro, quad core please, that's it") So I have a few days of moving ahead.
 
Alright, here's my page by page nitpicky review. Just to remind you, do not take this personally, some people have a hard time with this step. My review is designed to help. My review bears little influence on my scores. I mainly score for story and overall execution.

Pg 1
- What? We don't get a 'fade in'. I bet you don't kiss your wife good night. :)
- Proper scene heading should look like this: EXT. ANGELES NATIONAL FOREST - DAY.... yes I know nitpicky, but sticking to the standards makes you look more professional.
- We See, of course we do, it's a movie. Rewrite to remove that and make it all more visual and active. Like 'Light filiters through a forest canopy illuminated a young couple as they take down their campsite.' By all means don't use that, but you get the point.
- Lose 'IS' from your screenwriting vocabulary. It leads to passive sentences and those kill your pace on top of making your screenplay a slower read.
- I must harp on WE again. Lose it. Just describe the scene. You are trying to draw us in and get us lost in the story. We's and Camera Directions pull us out of your imaginary world. Remember you must sell these scripts, so make the most compelling story first and then throw in camera stuff later.
- Dialog should just be their name and their dialog, no need to bold their names or put that colon thing. Again keep with a consistent(ie accepted) style. Producers/Directors are looking for reasons to throw your script away and move on to the next one, so these style faux-pas just scream 'rookie'. Don't give 'em a reason.
- Most parentheticals (whispering) (here eyes closed) are either unneeded or should be in action blocks.
Pg 2
- Ok, the camera angles are killing me here. I know you may be filming this yourself, but at least have mercy on us reader and leave 'em out for your peeps.
- Oh, there's the 'Fade In'. Nice to see you. :)
- See that 'is' struck again. Instead of 'He is staring' should be 'he stares', but really you said that just the line prior, so probably isn't even needed.
Pg -whatever-
- Need page numbers.
- Looks like your action block got centered some how.
Pg -something-
- You don't need to tell us it's night if it was in the scene heading.
- I almost feel like a lot of the middle bit could be compressed. Maybe have them slip past the military, add that little bit of tension.
- Also the guys talking about where they were going etc. kinda killed the tension. I'm torn between worrying about what will happen versus what is? it's a toss up.
Pg -something or other'
- 'Lets us see it. please.'
- Drop the autocorrect that gave you the little 'nd' on second.

Interesting story. Could be a bear to try and film. After thinking about it, I would make the couple the center of attention and only bring the g-men in as an obstacle to get around and a threat at the end. Good Job.
 
I don't have Chris's knowledge of script format but I liked this one a lot. For me in a short format having a complete story is a big deal and I think you succeeded. I liked the way you introduced the principals and developed the conflict, I think the weakest link is the end which didn't work for me but it did kind of wrap up the story arc. I liked it.
 
No offense at all & thanks for your time on this, much appreciated - this is the first time I've tried to format a screenplay, using a word template (& I hate word, gimme InDesign any day…) (Anyone know of an IDD template for scripts??)

Couple responses - not expecting this to be shot, I figure once you start writing for "guerilla shooting" you sure lose a lot of options.

I've read a lot of scripts over the years - made of point of reading "Avatar" before I saw it (hey, no spoilers, I've seen "Dances with Wolves") because Cameron does a good job of writing action (his dialogue, on the other hand…). I suppose I do need to think more about (not) writing like I'm a DP. The thing that surprises me on most scripts is how "small" things seem on the page, that are epic on the screen - seems like few writers surpass that (but then again, those movies do get made).

Main problem for me was, came up with the idea and gave myself about an hour - this fest fell in the midst of one an insane work week which ended with the complete death of my Mac (about an hour after I uploaded the script). Missed every other damn fest because I haven't had time to finish & polish… so I took it as "See what you can do without overthinking". (Well, I gave myself another 20 minutes to chop five or so pages out too.) I'm just shocked it's not riddled with typos and WTFs from missing paragraphs…

It's embarrassing to say I spent as much time on the poster... but, that's more of my day-job thing, easier to pop back into it waiting for client feedback.

Hopefully I can read the other scripts soon - I'm self employed & moving from PPC to Intel in 48 hours has aged me a year or two - planned on taking my time with that one. (And jesus, been a $3k week already...)

Thanks again - I have several longer things that are written more as long, long notes or treatments. Food for thought should I polish them up.
 
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Michael Carter said:
Just curious - say your movie opens black, with, whatever, "the sounds of the city" and then cuts in to your visual; is the proper terminology "CUT IN"??
Click to expand...

Never heard of 'cut in'? Might be a director thing.

You can start with your dialog or sounds and then the fade in when the visuals come up. I find that if you write the feel and descriptions solid the director will feel/know what you want and will say, 'maybe a cut in would look good here'. :) You want to direct without appearing to direct. Directors hate the writer directing them.

In word I built styles like 'Scene Header', 'Character Name', 'Dialog', etc. This way I can just write and then click the styles I want. I've just moved to Word 2007, so I'm learning it all over agian :(
 
Well, what I mean is from black (in this example) a sudden cut to the scene vs. a fade. Fairly common, sort of startling... often just audio, maybe the first few credits over black, and then a sudden cut into the first scene, often a "sudden" visual explanation of the sounds you've been hearing. Wish I could think of a specific film that opens this way. Cut vs. fade.
 
Gotcha! I guess you write it the way you want it shot. However, the opening is usually something the director comes up with on their own, you know they like to play with fancy intros and flying titles etc. :)
 
Yeah, ever see the "making of" for the Thing remake - the guy burning a garbage bag to make the flaming title-logo? Wonder if he's using AE now?

& Nitra, thanks - love your sig!
 
Check out the active voice you might dig it, might not. =) Check the standards for spec script format and learn them well they will make people know you know what you are doing. <<That's if you plan to peddle scripts, otherwise run wild. Format is important to a crew, so remember that when you alter it. Always, use FADE IN: upper left always also use page numbers starting on page 2. Try to avoid any parenthetical that isn't V.O. or O.S. FADE OUT should be flush right.

Good story behind all those camera directions!!! =)
I liked at first, I thought the military was shooting at them, then it wasn't the military! What was the MacGuffin though?
I think the visuals in this would make a great feature. Expand it and sell it to Spielberg!! He's got the cash! Nice work.
 
It reminded me of signs. I like that the ufo had bells. There were points where I was confused, but it made sense in the end. I think I understand the concept of a MacGuffin. Was the MacGuffin the camera memory card? Nice job.
 
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