The Bells

i wasn't sure where you were going with the soldiers at first... i was thinking it was some futuristic post-apocapolyptic totalitarianism or something... definitely intriguing... because of this, i was confused as to why they were turning themselves in. now i get it.

i liked the ufo twist... and very unique ufo's at that. you did a good job with the poster, too... that's exactly the way i pictured it (though maybe that was because of the poster ;).

i can't begin to comment on the camera directions or the appropriate format of the script, because i am still learning myself.

i liked the script. nice work :)
 
I was starting to write some remarks and hints and then read Chris's comments, think he covered everything with some detailed and golden tips.

I agree. Nice story but would concentrate on the formatting. Get a decent package like final draft, takes the hard work out of it and allows you to just write.

+ please avoid camera angles. Think of the script as a blue print for a movie. Even of you plan to shoot it yourself. Write like you don't want to tell the director or DOP how to do their job. Save camera angles for later discussions and compromise when the production begins.

Good job and thanks for the story.
 
Thanks for the replies everyone - I'm takin' notes (not names).

Reading through these, I realize what I WISH I could do is a script-storyboard hybrid. Which directors would likely hate...

Thing is, why do you think so many comics (er, graphic novels) get greenlit - is it because the storyboard is already done?

Maybe I should take up cartooning...
 
I was thinking about cartooning - to start producing myself. Don't know where to start though.

I read the script and really liked the story. Great visuals! My favorite part was your characters reaction - she said that "it" was so beautiful.
 
Thanks - again, I felt like I had ONE line to express that maybe this was a positive development.

I do think the thing that's missing in so many genre movies is "awe". I mean, that's what really affects you in a good ghost movie, the sense that the unknown is so huge. So much horror these days is really based on squeamishness - if you watch someone's fingernails being pulled out on screen, you squirm and get a physical response. It's cheap. But the scene in (the original) "Haunting", where the lights come on and the girls are too far apart to have been holding hands - brilliant. Or parts of the book "House of Leaves" describing what they were finding in the house... just so cool, and again, leaves you a little awestruck.
 
Michael Carter said:
The thing that surprises me on most scripts is how "small" things seem on the page, that are epic on the screen - seems like few writers surpass that (but then again, those movies do get made).
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When I read your script "small" was the exact opposite of what I saw play in my mind. Imo you've succeeded in making this feel grand.

I liked the tension build up when you reveal the ufo.

Pace feels good.

Digged the ending except for agent 2's dialog and actions. His motivation doesn't feel believable. I think it would work better if agent 2 would have let them go because of a motivation that's more the exact opposite as giving up and would make the couple useless to agent 2. But ending it on that part of the story is a great choice for this short script.

Great poster btw, but if you made this movie I think you shouldn't show the ufo on the poster.

Thanks for the enjoyable read.
 
Hey Al-c, thanks for your comments. If I'd had a few more pages, I think I would have added something that suggested agent#2 was getting fed up with all the heavy-handedness, like he was ready for a change, and saw that change coming in the last page. Or at least that he thought punishing the protag's was harsh and unnecessary and un-american.

I'd also have kicked around the idea of some sort of researcher examing "the first large church bell known to man" and realizing that its purity of tone (based on the specific shapes & thickness of the metal, etc), and maybe its materials or something, were beyond our current technology, even though it was ancient. Like the "original" bell was something given to humans eons back... and whomever gave it to us had returned. As if they wanted to plant some sort of cultural seed, that the sound of a huge bell meant something positive.

I guess I liked the idea that an alien invasion would be more, "this race is killing themselves and their planet, guess we shouldn't have abandoned them so soon" vs. "blow up the white house" (I hated independence day SO MUCH....) Hopefully I at least hinted at that with "it's beautiful".
 
PS - I had hoped that a really rad poster might get my script read - I've been TRYING to read 'em all, but my Mac died a week ago forcing me into Intel-vs PPC land much more abruptly than I'd planned for (about time, huh?? But MAN that's some hardware and software dollars!!!) Once I settled into the new Mac I noticed a wet spot on the ceiling of my 80-year old "project house", and spent three days replacing all the plumbing on the second floor. Which is a whole lot of hard, hard work. (Funny, I knew that one was coming, too, and had a master-plan for replacing it... but 80-year old steel pipe, when it goes, it goes...)

Feel like I've been hit by a truck, as does my bank account...
 
Just finished your script - enjoyed all the action. I did feel the "awe" of the spaceship - loved the bells. I agree the ending dialogue doesn't add to the story though. Maybe he doesn't have to say anything? I don't know- good job though. I am totally depressed you wrote it in only about an hour.
 
thanks - yeah, spring break, kids home, and all their friends want skillet-fried chicken (I guess most parents just don't "do" comfort food any more) - ain't got no time!!! But at least I felt like I didn't over-think something for once... and the gravy came out great.
 
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