Tear by William Flink

Mailliw87

Mailliw87

Active member
Tear


​

Hiya :)
First submission to dvxuser !
I've mostly been around Moviepoet.

Haven't got a logline for it yet but this drawing has been my starting point and inspiration together with the music of "Portishead", might come up with a logline soon we'll see.

Regards,
William Flink
 
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Welcome to scriptfest. Let the butchering begin!

Really, I think you'll find the critique really useful, looking forward to reading it.
Interesting art, The drawing reminds me of David Bowie.
 
Hi William,

I just read your script. This is a very strange, very dark and very deep tale, which I am a fan of. I could really see, in my minds eye, some very interesting shots. Well done, I loved it.
 
And the award for Shortest Entry goes to... :) Not to mention the award for Creepiest Clown Sex. (And, let's hope, the only clown sex. :D )

I think you did a good job of describing this very visual piece and making it not only read-able but comprehend-able.
 
Dark and very visual. You said a lot in a very concise manner.
Interesting piece, I went back and read it a second time.

Not a big fan of clowns, but I got past it in this story. lol

Well done.
 
Definitely on the dark side and I am not a fan of uh, clowns, but I did read the
story. I really love your poster by the way.
 
conlanforever said:
Dark and very visual. You said a lot in a very concise manner.
Interesting piece, I went back and read it a second time.

Not a big fan of clowns, but I got past it in this story. lol (haha :p)

Well done.
Click to expand...

Glad it made you go back and read it a second time.

Charli said:
Definitely on the dark side and I am not a fan of uh, clowns, but I did read the
story. I really love your poster by the way.
Click to expand...

Found the poster on deviant art. Just loved the mood of it and the look.
 
Hey William! Well I really liked this - brave, visual and enticing - you do so much in so few pages - the symbolism adds depth and there is just enough ambiguity to keep the old brain ticking over, but you don't drift too far into the obscure - there is certainly a solid story here. An imaginative and visual piece that I would love to see realised. Well done!
 
This script was effing horrible...

...if horrible is defined by ULTIMATE BADASSERY! I seriously dug the darkness of it all, though I was a little thrown at the jump between the climax and dead bodies on a couch. I was wondering if I missed something, but it was written so well, I didn't care.

If I had the funds, I would shoot this in a heartbeat.
 
Thank you Rod & Sarah! It means a lot to me that you guys liked it. Especially since this is the first script I've completed since february last year.

And Rod, you had me going there for a while with your first sentence haha :)
 
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I really liked the abstract nature of this and I liked how you chose to tell the story through the use of visuals instead of dialogue. It really enhances the script. You could probably even do without the one line that you do have.

I was, at first, confused by the sudden jumps in time. I think a scene heading to separate these shifts would help to transition better, however when it's filmed this wouldn't be an issue. Good job on the script!
 
This is another classic William Flink, script!

I love the thematic representation of the emotions and the plot is actually much more concise with this story though the nature of it seems abstract.

However you do have the tendency to again be a bit contradictory towards the visuals on display as compared to what you want to get across.

Could be a laguage issue, but it could also be you're thinking of a few too many shots visually rather than seeing what they do in the story or as a mere technicality.

What do I mean?

For example,

INT. PITCH BLACK ROOM
Rain CLATTERS on its roof and windowsills.
A mirror hangs, softly lit. All else is dark.
Click to expand...

If all else is dark, then the windowsills wouldn't be able to distinguish the time of day, and we couldn't probably see 'em too, correct? But if we bring the windowsill visibility into the equation then there is some light on the said windowsill.

INT. KEYHOLE
Click to expand...

Again, this signifies a giant keyhole lock tumbler shaped set. You could use this in the actual description and relegate the slug to the Living Room.

He watches the clown suit rotate on one of the fan’s
paddles, and hears the sound of the fan as she MOANS.
The sound of the rotating fan and her moans continue as he
looks down to see the couple lie brutally murdered in a
pool of blood on the sofa.
Click to expand...

This was brilliant. Would make a great transition type of shot.

There are some clunky bits that don't read well, but a quick polish will do wonders. Visually, you're aces don't need that single line of dialog.

Oh, and the naked male has to be in all caps, the first time you mention him.

This is a simple story of an affair but very operatic along the lines of "Pagliacci"

Great use of the theme and tasteful nudity.

Well done!
 
William, Anthony here.
Also a DVX virgin, nice to meet-cha'.

This was beautifully written, subtle, dreamy and I had no problems following exactly what was going on.
Very poetically thought-out. The reflection in the mirror was great and her subtle laugh, cut like a knife.

A powerful and touching betrayal.
Excellent work.
 
I've read your work at Movie Poet so I knew I was in for a visual treat. And having read your work at Movie Poet I will say that your writing style has really improved! Your story was very clear and emotional. I loved it. Sad, beautiful and tragic. You really have a unique style, visual poetry.

Very nice work. :)
 
hey william,
this was really cool. dark, freakish, and very visually stimulating. did a double take at the page number when i was finished reading...it felt like a much longer story, so props for that. awesome read!
 
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