Point of No Return

This reminded me of something. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it was a joke I heard?
That aside I really loved the dialogue in this one. Very quick and easy to read. It flowed off the page really well.

Great characters (of course) and a very interesting ending.

Nice entry.

MAH
 
Kfer, I'm fairly sure you're going to hell for writing this, and so am I for reading it. :D

A fun read, but a couple of small things bugged me. I thought it was odd for God to be taking his son's name in vain; and I expected a stronger reaction from Joe the Catholic when God (of all people) suggests that Rachel get an abortion.
 
I liked the opening line, cracked me up. I am afraid though I found the dialogue
very, very clunky and hard to read. I really couldn't get into it, but I did read it, just
didn't really get it. Nice try.
 
Wow! My feet are already getting hot, certainly it's the flames of hell licking at my soles.

I found this quite entertaining. This is sure to offend somebody and that's okay.

It flowed really well for me, easy to read. I liked the dialogue, definitely some funny things going on here. Wouldn't Jesus call God, dad? lol

Well written and creative. Nicely done.
 
On the one hand I thought the dialogue was good but there was too much of it. Maybe tighten it up to create a brisk read, it felt a little tough to get through at first.

Interesting take on your characters that you had a lot of fun with.

good work.
 
Hi Kfer, just read your script.

Most of the points have been made - tighten the dialogue, God taking son's name in vein, Joe not reacting more (I suppose he is scared).

But, god, it made me laugh. To me, that's all that matters.

Favourite part - "Maybe you shopuld stop being such a slut..." Hahahahaha. Advice like that would stop our ever expanding population!

Well done, and I look forward to your next.
 
Michael Anthony Horrigan said:
This reminded me of something. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it was a joke I heard?
That aside I really loved the dialogue in this one. Very quick and easy to read. It flowed off the page really well.

Great characters (of course) and a very interesting ending.

Nice entry.

MAH
Click to expand...

There's a bunch of God, Jesus, and Santa jokes :)

Robbie
 
kfer, Anthony here.
Also a nube here, good luck.

Good work. I think the monologues would work as is with the proper actors. It's all in the delivery. A fast-talking car salesman comes to mind... Less would work better as a read possibly.

Very funny, and points out some absurdites that are long over due. Offensive to ones faith or not, I loved your angle. You stayed true to the world you created and the simple act of anthropomorphizing the all knowing, all seeing, but never seen dieties was a master chess move.

My only gripe, is it excludes non beleivers. So, if one is a buddhest, they may not relate to the betrayal. Although, as a story, it is there. So it will work as more powerfull metephor to Christian then non-Christians.

What if, Buddah was playing Galaga in the corner...? lol. Something like that could really expand the idea. I think it works, as is, and would love to see this "Come to life" ha ha ha!

Good job.
 
I have it on good authority that Budda is a Pac-Man guy. At least, that's what the Dalai Lama told me that time I caddied for him... :D
 
First off this was thick. Narrative and dialog heavy so for me it didn't really flow and was a bit of a struggle to read. But it was entertaining. Some parts had me laughing.

I bet you there were some more laughs burind in there...lean out your writing. You'll get much better results out of your great ideas.
 
hey guys, thanks for the reads and all of the feedback! i haven't gotten a chance to read everyone's work yet...hopefully this weekend.
i really appreciate your comments, and i agree, the dialogue should be thinned out a bit. glad it made you guys laugh
 
I think you used your idea effectively, the humour worked for the most part and it read decent al though a bit clunky sometimes.

The meeting with Rachel hehe. chuckled a bit at the "hey sugartits" line hehe, came by surprise to me.

Regarding the dialogue, I think there was perhaps one or two many "christ, jesus" in it.

My only problem is that im a bit worn out on the god and jesus characters, but it still worked ok, and it was quite entertaining.
 
Funny, snappy writing, clever dialogue. My issue is that there isnt much of a story arc - we start off with god and jesus disilussioned and end that way - I feel like something should change. It's funny and I think you want to talk about something big here but I think the story as well as the dialogue has to convey a message. This feels like the middle act of something, a snippet of a story - it needs more of a resolution I think. Again though, great dialogue - and a brave and interesting concept - take it further!
 
I liked a lot of the dialog a lot but I also thought there was a bit of ramblin' on...I think it could be whittled down, excised of its "fat" and be that much more potent.

I didn't like the running gag of God using "Jesus" as as curse word. One instance of this would be enough. Two is overdoing it.

Love the fact that Santa was included.

I really think Buddha would have leveled out the cast, maybe ponder that a bit for the rewrite?

:D
 
You've got a good concept here and I found it to be quite funny at times. It made me think of Dogma a lot, even though they're very different. I think you've got some good dialogue that can be really funny with the right actors. However, I felt that the characters were all too much alike. I think it was an interesting choice to make God foul-mouthed, but I think that Jesus should be different. Same goes for Santa. That said, it was a fun read.
 
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