Dessert by Rod Thompson

RodThompson said:
In the beginning, as in my first feature-length, I stuck strictly to the rules and conventions. No use of well known songs. Slugs and Actions should be crisp and to the point. Characters should evolve…

Then I read HEAT, and then Lethal Weapon, and Usual Suspects, and on and on and I started finding that compared to the unproduced scripts I had been reading from fellow amateurs, these scripts were alive. I could see the world, and taste the air of the setting. With amateur scripts, everything was cookie-cutter by the rules, and there was no memorable flare.
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I concur Rod - I think as long as you know the rules - it's okay to break em. And yep all those professional folk break the so-called rules. In my opinion it's fine to set the tone in your writing as long as you're not being so wordy you mess with the timeline. I think your additions put your personal stamp on this - you have your own style and I think that's great.

My issue was with the fact that the story seems to be mroe motivated by what seems cool, or by what would be funny, rather than by the characters. For example when he says at the end 'But she's me wife' this is clearly for the audience's benefit - to get a laugh - and not for Sherry - it doesn't make a difference to her whther the woman is his wife or not, just that she's not the only one in his life.

Otherwsie, very well written, nice dialogue, funny - I like the music cues and see what you're going for but yeah - they don't really suit the budget level :) Still, a fun read and some definite flair. Nice!
 
Ha! She's my wiife. Funny. I liked the quirky tone here. I liked how you intertwined th emusic with what was happening. Nice work.
 
I enjoyed the read! Nice work.
I liked the idea of the string quartet in the background.
thought it worked pretty well and so did the story concept and dialog as well.

didn't understand this line though " emotional IMAX".
I don't know what an IMAX is, hm :p
Someone mentioned to keep it simpler, I think that might be good
at some times I felt the paragraphs were taking me away from the story sort of, I wasn't with the characters when I read paragraphs like the imax one.

Otherwise, nice work, I liked it.
 
Enjoyable dialogue, well done on the music cues, the script felt very alive. It was fun to read through.
 
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