Blessed

I see you got my likeness almost correct for the poster. Let me rub your lucky rabbit's foot EVH! I needs me some writing mojo!
 
Not entirely sure what the trapped part is supposed to be. May have been too short in the script or I just plain out missed it. I wasn't a huge fan of repeated words here, although the script itself is fairly lean. Overall, it's nicely written.
 
Wow. That was amazing, Erich. Everything from the concept, to the poetic style of the writing... the emotional journey was well-crafted but didn't feel rigid or structured, it felt natural and graceful. The opening was perfect, I could hear George's aging, withered voice in my head every time he had a line. The ending was excellent, but probably the only thing I would have changed slightly. I think I would have taken the line from the top of page two "The laundry girl's name is Rosa. She said no." and used that as George's last line -- it would be a final payoff of the general idea. If not that, I would have had George's last words be something referencing the time of his own death, like 5:38 or 5:42 or something, so that it pays off the only time frame we have established for that day so far, which is 5:27.

But as it stands, the whole thing is a solid, beautifully-written short script. Very well done.

-JMT
 
You are a ridiculously good writer Erich. This was amazing. Full of everything. Visuals, emotion, beauty, depth. A different type of trapped and I really felt it too.

So sad and haunting...George and Miles. Two old friends. Two ghosts.

Again, truly amazing.
 
I quite enjoyed the writing. Yout style is fluid and poetic. I enjoy reading stories like this, and enjoy writing them even more.

I'm not quite sure what the trapped part was. The nursing home, perhaps?

I enjoyed the subtelety through out and the lack of heavy handedness. It takes true confidence to do what you're going to do without telling anyone you're doing it. I respect that. And while I can't quite decipher the significance of everything, I did respect that it all had significance.

There were a few odd sentences here and there that made me stumble, but the writing is concise and clear.

There were some truly beautiful subtleties that you used such as the "a tree falls down...it doesnt make a sound", followed by Paul coming to George and therefore allowing this tree's falling to make a sound. George's death having an impact, being known. As opposed to Miles'.

It really was beautifully written and I think it will be one of the favorites to win this thing, assuming the "trapped" them holds up with the other readers.

Great job.
 
I think that George was trapped in his body, different, but I think it works.

This is a moving, beautifully written story that would make an outstanding short film. Excellent job.
 
The conflict is not only king, it takes the cake and poops out confetti in this short.

"A man who knows everything and questions why it is so."

There are moments where you brought forth visuals of being physically trapped in a decrepit body and equally apathetic surroundings. At others his internal struggle to share all this universal mindgasmic knowledge falling short, is a different kind of trapped.

Of course, I wouldn't be a great arch nemesis if I didn't point out things that don't quite hit the mark for me.

A few of the opening VOs go on a bit long and pacing wise I felt you could pepper some variety of visuals than a slow move into his lips.

Secondly, the transition from the earthquake prediction to the earthquake, takes me out, after having read it a couple of times. Something's amiss there. Maybe coz' both scenes SLUG it out in the afternoon? I want a bit of a time transition.

The third is me being truly evil and nitpicky, but is there some kind of fragment missing in his line ? "Why God did this to me I don't guess I know."

Is he saying he DOES know?

or

He meant to say, "I guess I don't know."

Or

"I don't know, I guess."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, things like that throw me off. :)

Great use of word-carving into a marble-statue that is truly art.

Loved it!

PS: I so get credit for that Hindi line.
 
Hi Erich,

Thanks for the read.

Good:
Well written. Especially your dialogue.
Good characters.
Beautiful depth into relationships for a short.
Some research was necessary for this, so Kudos.
I really enjoyed the ending. Perfectly done. Makes you feel the loss and the missed opportunity.


Not so good:
I suppose you could question the trapped here. I saw two trapped; inside his own body and in a home. I'm just not sure if that qualifys... Chris can be the judge of that.
Why now? Why at this stage, so near death, so unable to communicate? Why does the Grandson finally hear him speaking of these things now, and not the last time they visitted?
Bit of a wasted gift.


Overall, a beautiful read. Really enjoyed it. Thanks and well done.
 
Notes:
- I hate double dashes in the scene headings. Talk about nitpicky. :)
- Oh the VO! Ok, I'm guilty to.
- Nutlin?
- Needs another space above the scene headings. another nitpick.

I guess the trapping was in his frail body. I really liked this and can't say much to improve it. May want to read through the lines outloud and see if any can be trimmed. Realy a great script.
 
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Great opening description of George.

You have a profound attention to detail. George's skin. The dripping oatmeal. Water running off his lips. Beautiful!

"Davis is annoyed by the request, but can't rightly refuse it without looking bad." This is Davis' inner thought which the viewing audience won't see.

I like the repeat of George's question, "Why God did this to me" at the end. Great closure.

A beautiful, yet tragic tale. Great job!
 
Blessed by Erich VonHeeder
Overall: 7
Plot: 7
Characters: 9
Dialogue: 9
Theme:
Structure: 9
Originality: 9
Style/Quality of Writing: 9
Entertainment Value: 7
Cinematic Quality: 7

Synopsis: An 94 year old man in a retirement home has the gift of all knowing.
But he ca no longer communicate other than babble. His grandson hears him mutter
about a earthquake which comes to pass. His grandson tries to tape record him,
but he passes away.


Comments:
pg 1
***Love the dialogue
Pg 2
Closer. Closer.
***I am loving your style. This camera view is very all done.
Pg 3
***8 Granddaughter? He is 94. Highly unlikely could be a great.
***Father is 57. Made him 51 at her birth and his Dad was 43.
Pg 4
Paul sits up slowly. Strange.
***Did he hear the earthquake part?
he stares in awe at his clock.
***guess so
Pg 5
***and so he died before his grandson could record his prophecies.
***Interesting. I don't read physically trapped. So I'm
sorry i have to deduct for that. You are a fantastic writer it
seems. Dialogue - excellent. The story, has plot holes. It
lives the reader asking unfilled questions that are basic.
One could buy the intelligence angle, although any of us old critters
will tell you we get dumber with age - at least we learn we don't
know everything that we thought. :) So the character had this
power and nothing was done with it. Why then? I'm looking for story.
It wasn't there. Finish it please as I am interested.
 
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I thought this was highly original and I enjoyed reading it. While the premise was outstanding, I thought the story petered out a bit. There was not much of a twist, I'm not saying that's a requirement but… I like a punch in the gut. Also, when you're dealing with a 94 yr old you expect he is going to die so I wasn't surprised about how it ended (maybe make him younger with alzheimers but in a totally fit body). Bottom line, I love your writing style and think this story has got legs.
 
I loved this. The detail, the dialogue, the whole premise. The voiceover made us feel very intimately connected to the old man -as if we were the only ones who could understand him. This is a very thought-provoking and insightful script that leaves us asking questions - as any good script should. I'm not sure if it was intended but it works as a metaphor for how we tend to dismiss the wisdom of older people these days, and the terrible tragedy of our ignorance. At least that's how I read it. And as such, or even without that double meaning, it works incredibly well. It certainly felt finished to me and the ending worked well for the message you were trying to convey. Some readers seem to be of the opinion that coming away from a story with questions is a bad thing. I certainly disagree.

Great job!
 
I really liked this. As well as all the stuff everybody else said (which I by and large agree with), I realyl liked the fact that you'd obviously had to do some research for it. I like it when you can see all of the extra effort and besides the scenes work that's gone into writing a screenplay.

The only thing I didn't like was the title, and they way that his situation seemed to be referred to throughout the script as some kind of gift or blessing. Other people seem to think that the 'trapped' element of this script was that he was stuck in a frail body. I saw it that he was trapped by the fact that he knew everything (like how to cure his best friend of cancer), but couldn't do anything about it. To me, that sounds like some kind of cruel torture, not any kind of blessing.

I may have missed something, or interpreted it differently to how it was intended, but I just didn't get that angle of the story. Other than that though, I loved it. Your dialogue and imagery really is brilliant.
 
themightyshrub said:
I really liked this. As well as all the stuff everybody else said (which I by and large agree with), I realyl liked the fact that you'd obviously had to do some research for it. I like it when you can see all of the extra effort and besides the scenes work that's gone into writing a screenplay.

The only thing I didn't like was the title, and they way that his situation seemed to be referred to throughout the script as some kind of gift or blessing. Other people seem to think that the 'trapped' element of this script was that he was stuck in a frail body. I saw it that he was trapped by the fact that he knew everything (like how to cure his best friend of cancer), but couldn't do anything about it. To me, that sounds like some kind of cruel torture, not any kind of blessing.

I may have missed something, or interpreted it differently to how it was intended, but I just didn't get that angle of the story. Other than that though, I loved it. Your dialogue and imagery really is brilliant.
Click to expand...
At the start of the story, the title evokes a sort of irony or sarcasm.

But by the end, it was clear to see how he was blessed to have not died alone. His grandson was there with him in his death
 
I liked this one and it had me intrigued from the get go. Nice use of voice over. Only thing is how was he trapped? Was he paralyzed? Maybe it was trapped on a higher level beyond physically being trapped.

Of note, it's going to be tough to find actors that can play this old without a lot of make up.
 
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