Acts of Betrayal

[Captain Pierce]

"Delicious" must be high praise coming from someone with a fork as their avatar... Thanks for the comments.

The way I tend to write (and I'm sure this is not recommended ), when I say "It's totally a big deal" after Larry says "It's no big deal," it's meant to give the actor and director a clue as to what the character is feeling without taking a lot of time (and page space ) in spelling out a specific reaction. Describing his video game experience earlier as "going badly" is much the same; I suppose I could have just put "he gets increasingly frustrated with the game, finally throwing the controller down" or something like that, but... well, I didn't.

A couple of people have now commented on the presence of the "time Tivo" in an otherwise contemporary world. I actually considered throwing in something to suggest it was "the not-too-distant future," but ultimately decided against it. I didn't want to go "Minority Report" with it to help keep it more easily producible, and I had originally been hoping to ease Larry a little more into the concept.

 

[kennethhurd]

This was a very fun read. I enjoyed the characters and each one really had a personality of their own. I was kind of expecting to see Martin on the tape in the end. I thought it would be interesting that if Larry's jealousy pushed Sharon towards Martin, since Martin was trying to help Larry. However, it works the way you have it.

The only thing I would recommend for improvement would be some of your action descriptions. They tell me what Larry is thinking, instead of what we should be seeing. When filmed, this would be impossible to tell without the use of a voice over. Action like "It's a huge problem..." could be reworded to show us Larry's reaction.

That said, this was a fun read and a really good script. Good job!

 

[Anthony Todaro]

"Delicious" must be high praise coming from someone with a fork as their avatar... Thanks for the comments.

The way I tend to write (and I'm sure this is not recommended ), when I say "It's totally a big deal" after Larry says "It's no big deal," it's meant to give the actor and director a clue as to what the character is feeling without taking a lot of time (and page space ) in spelling out a specific reaction. Describing his video game experience earlier as "going badly" is much the same; I suppose I could have just put "he gets increasingly frustrated with the game, finally throwing the controller down" or something like that, but... well, I didn't.

A couple of people have now commented on the presence of the "time Tivo" in an otherwise contemporary world. I actually considered throwing in something to suggest it was "the not-too-distant future," but ultimately decided against it. I didn't want to go "Minority Report" with it to help keep it more easily producible, and I had originally been hoping to ease Larry a little more into the concept.

DANG IT!!! Everything you just wrote... makes total sense. Even my critique! :badputer: =)

 

[MrKilloran]

Enjoyable, easy to get through, visually I got the picture.

Some clunky dialogue here or there but not a major hindrance.

I enjoyed the idea of the "time Tivo," this sort of dues ex machina situation that creates a self-destructive future by the mere fact that Larry uses the service. It doesn't need to be extremely explained, it doesn't need a near-future setting. It's an interesting concept that is strange and yet works for your story. Kudos on the sci-fi element.

 

[RodThompson]

I enjoyed the sci-fi aspect, as relationships (cheating) has already been in 70% of the shorts I've read. Agree with some of the dialogue being a bit forced, but for the most part...I DUG IT!

 

[Sarah Daly]

I like the concept here - you're trying to say something and you get that across well. The man actually destroys his relationship through his suspicion and jealousy - a common theme but you do it in a very clever way.

The only thing I would say is to foreshadow the sci-fi element a bit better, or bring it in a bit sooner - the pace gets a little messed up at the end, but I suspect this would work better as a slightly longer piece. Still, in the timeframe, it does work, and I enjoyed it!

 

[Captain Pierce]

kenneth - As I said to Anthony in the post just above yours, when I write something like "It's a huge problem," my intention is actually to show what the character is thinking and then let the (highly theoretical ) actor and director come up with the actual reaction. I'm sure you won't find it in any scriptwriting books, but I like it, particularly in the situations I used it in this script, when I can have the character say one thing and suggest to the actor that the character is thinking the exact opposite.

MrK - glad to hear that you liked the sci-fi element the way it was.

Rod - you mean other scripts had cheating? In BetrayalFest? Dammit, I thought I was totally original with that. Seriously, though, glad you liked the sci-fi as well.

Sarah - yeah, if I rewrite this, it's going to wind up anywhere between slightly longer and a hell of a lot longer. I'm not entirely happy with it at this length, but it's nice to hear that you think it works.

Thanks again to all for reading and commenting.

 

[arroway]

Larry reaches for casual, but doesn't quite get there.

Nice detail.

SHARON
Nope, just having a good time. Sorry
to take longer than you expected.

Nice passive aggressive jab.

MARTIN
He's found a way to record the future.
It's like the freakiest Tivo you've
ever seen.

Whoa, two thirds of the way through the script is way too late to introduce a fantastical element like this IMO...had it been telegraphed/mentioned/or brought up in the first few pages it would be a lot more believable and organic. As it stands now, it just broadsides you out of nowhere in what you thought was a dramatic story rooted firmly in reality. The "world" and a good portion of its requisite "rules" should be established early or you run the risk of later "amendments" coming across as a deus ex machinas.

Rearrange the inciting incident to be earlier and this would be a nice, simple, Twilight Zone-esque yarn.