Acts of Betrayal

I've read through a handful this morning, in no particular order in the viewing list. So far, this is the one that has stuck out in my head. Easy to read and follow, easy to visualize. Authentic, believable characters and feelings. I have some notes on other things, but have to save for later.

Good job!
 
I thought this was a very clever idea. Like a self fullfilling prophecy, which jealousy can often lead up to.

I was confused for a moment by the last scene though. At first I thought, Oh...Larry was right. She was cheating on him with this man and now she's moving in with him. It didn't click right away that she didn't know him...but soon would. Maybe if there was just one more detail to clue us in that they're meeting for the first time.

Nice work on this. Great idea.
 
POSSIBLE SPOILERS



You really nailed the 'jealous guy'. I bought into his character right away due to all your great descriptions. Especially his inner feelings.
The future aspect caught me a little off guard. I wasn't expecting it and I was surprised by how easily he went with it.

In the end I road along with it and was quite pleased with the ending. Very nice touch.
Jealous people really will go as far as their mind will take them.

Nice work.

MAH
 
Thanks, all.

MML - I can see what you mean about it needing to be clearer that this is their first meeting. I think I took too much for granted there.

MAH - yeah, he does go along with the whole crazy concept pretty easily, doesn't he? :)
 
***Spoilers***

I liked the hubris angle. In a way he causes what he fears the most.

I have two comments to maybe improve the script.

1. I think the dialog needs a little work. I think this could really benefit from reading it out loud to yourself. That would help smooth out some of the stiffness in the words. Specifically people don't use each others' names that often in conversation. I'm thinking about the office scene with Larry and the co-worker.

2. The sci-fi aspect of the script struck me as odd. I understand it for the plot, and I understand Larry being so willing to use it, but I'm struggling that a co-worker would just happen to know a guy that invented a machine to look into the future. On the flip side of that coin, I have no suggestions for how to smooth that out.

I enjoyed it. Thanks for entering.
 
Hi El Capitan,

I just read your script. Jealous guy character was very believable. The whole situation was very well constructed. The sci-fi aspect came out of nowhere, but gave it something different. The ending was great - as he created that future because of his jealousy. I do think you need to work on the dialogue. It did jar here and there and just needs more time - read it to yourself loud, that always helps me... Even though I won't say mine is the best!!!
 
I struggled with how a technology like this would be marketed. The original idea I had was that Larry saw an ad on TV, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt that it would stay underground, spread by word of mouth between the old rich guys that Martin mentions. So, Larry either then had to stumble across it somehow or have an inside track, and the inside track was the easier to pull off in six pages. :) (Even the way it is, I simultaneously feel that whole office scene is too long and yet that it doesn't really do enough. :D )

And until you two showed up, I was pretty happy with the dialogue. :( I will definitely go back and take another look at it, though.
 
Good story, flowed well, easy read.

Great job developing the characters, most notably Larry.

The sci fi angle did seem to come out of nowhere, but the story flowed well enough that I just went with it.
Maybe it could be a little less unexpected, if the video game he is playing is 3D or a hologram or he's wearing some weird goggles, that kind of sets up the advanced technology angle and/or the company he works for just has a advanced title "Blah Blah advance technologies" seen on letterhead....this would also help with the reason he gets introduced to the device, as it's being developed by the company he works for and Maritin went to college with one of the developers. I'm just spitballing now.

As soon as I heard that the device recorded future events, I thought uh oh, this can't turn out good. I really like that he brought his own worst fears on himself.

The end set up nicely for me, it clear for me. IMO, I don't think it needs to be clarified anymore than it is.

Good script, good characters, good ending, Really enjoyed it.
 
The jealously felt real, so kudos on that. The sci-fi thing I also think came out of
nowhere. Usually when there's that much jealous, there is a betrayal, so no
surprises there. I would have liked to seen more interesting dialogue between
the two men.
 
interesting writing style, almost a bit prose-like here and there.

oh gosh! this ending is genious. it reminds me of the barton fink ending!!

I totally missed the sci-fi aspect, I must've skipped a scene. But in my opinion, you don't need the sci-fi aspect. Why not just have this tape mailed to him or something else? Something not sci-fi but still mysterious.

love it...the ending really did it for me, maybe even more so because I missed the sci-fi aspect :D

to me it was, since I missed the sci-fi: "Wait, where did he get that video tape?" Then my imagination did the rest, he got it from somewhere, a package or found it randomly. Then ending blew me away :)
 
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Conlon - him working for the company that's developing the technology never occurred to me. It's about equal on the coincidence scale, but might have been an easier way to work it in. :)

Charli - thanks for the comments.

William (I'm not going to type it backwards :) ) - Regardless of how he gets the recording, it's still science-fictional, but I see what you're saying; lose all the explanation and just get him the recording. I think that goes a little too mysterious, though, prompting too many questions like the obvious "who in the hell sent it?" :D Also, if it just comes in the mail, why would he even play it; and if he did, why would he believe it?

Again, thanks to all for the comments. I'm getting some interesting ideas on where to go with an expanded version of this.
 
Captain Pierce said:
William (I'm not going to type it backwards :) ) - Regardless of how he gets the recording, it's still science-fictional, but I see what you're saying; lose all the explanation and just get him the recording. I think that goes a little too mysterious, though, prompting too many questions like the obvious "who in the hell sent it?" :D Also, if it just comes in the mail, why would he even play it; and if he did, why would he believe it?

Again, thanks to all for the comments. I'm getting some interesting ideas on where to go with an expanded version of this.
Click to expand...

hmm. Maybe he just can't help himself to open it. And maybe he believes it or not but it still ticks off the woman (forgot name :p), so she leaves and voila.

I don't know..I like the mysterious. Have you seen The Coen brothers "Barton Fink"? There's no explanation to that end at all. Throughout the movie the main character is seen a lot around a painting in his room and the end scene looks just like that painting: A beach, and a woman sitting watching the waves. - It's like he's inside the painting himself :D

Anyhow, I'll be interested to read the second draft should you post it here :) And thanks for not typing my name backwards :p
 
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Capt.

Even though the sci-fi element came out of nowhere, I took it at face value and moved on, didn't bother me much. This script was very easy to read and enjoyable.

Look at condensing some of your dialogue, i felt some of your lines could have been said in 3 sentences instead of 5, etc. It makes my brain hurt thinking about modifying future timelines, 'would she have done it if he didn't have the video', etc. So here's a thought for the end. She IS cheating and she sets her husband up, the whole sci-fi element is a hoax and his friend at work is in on it. just food for thought.

-ben
 
Delicious ending, I didn't expect it.

Some of the action left me wondering. For instance, "It goes badly for him" - How do we know it goes badly before he slams the controls? -- "It's totally is a big deal" - How do we know that, what is he doing to show that?

I really enjoyed Larry and Sharon's banter, it felt real.

The dialogue at times seemed a tad, expository.
"I bumped the table and your watch fell off."
"Looks like it's broken."

This took me out of the story for some reason. It felt like that could have been done with action, visually, leaving the dialogue more subtle. Larry didn't seem the type to just explain a broken watch that way, even if it was a setup.

However, I didn't mind the retelling of the xmas party, because of Martin's personality, it worked.

The future telling device was indeed a deus ex machina. I only say that because, in the world you created for them, we have no reason to believe such a far jump from reality. Potentially, foreshadowing it with; a flying car zooming by, or some other refrence to a more advanced culture then our current one might do the trick.

That's not to say the idea of a future telling machine is not brilliant. It is.

I did taste a bit of "Flashforward" in there. I kept thinking about the Doctor Lady and the Autistic Kids Dad's flash forward. They are cheating in the future, causing the Doctor Lady and her Husbands marriage in the present, to slowly be destroyed.

I think the plant of the "MAN" and the build to the payoff of it being "him" at the end is the strongest quality here.

Good work!

Now where do I pick up one of those life-destroying future recording machines!!! lol =)
 
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