DarkElastic
Well-known member
Tag Line: Two Friends, one bar and a whole lot of shooting.
Two Smoking Barrels
- Thread starter DarkElastic
- Start date
Tag Line: Two Friends, one bar and a whole lot of shooting.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Because of our recent move to Canada from the UK I do not have my desk top, so no photoshop. So, my poster is a stolen internet pic with text and adjustments in Paint. That is the best you are getting!!!
Ezekiel667
Well-known member
I'm liking the logline! Sounds like it's gonna be a clusterf*#k of a good time!
Keth Andril
Member
I may be mistaken, but this sounds like it could be hilarious
TimCollins
Well-known member
A whiskey drinking contest to the death, why didn't I think of that! :laugh:
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Thanks all... It is funny how people take a title, a tagline and a poster and come up with what they think the story will be like. Well, you will all have to wait and see.
Russell Moore
Well-known member
I always like a whole lot of shooting.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Two Smoking Barrels is uploaded at draft 4.
RodThompson
Veteran
I read this after reading the epic that was Lawrie's Convenant, so it was a good contrast.
SPOILERS: (HIGHLIGHT)
Overall, I think that the "this isn't really happening" thing is very overused. While I'd like to say that the end was fresh and a cool twist, I think it should have ended with Ken just dying.
Now, on that note. You have a lot going on this piece. You introduce Lightning early on, wearing black, which leads me to think he's the antagonist, but then he leaves until he magically reappears to kill someone in the end. This character could be omitted completely in lieu of one of Tex's men getting off one last shot, or something. Also cliche, but better than a character that no one cares about.
Tex and his gang. To be what the ending reveals, this whole story of his brother and the town and the sherriff really is confusing. Is this some gnarly RP thing that's going on? I mean, for what the end becomes, a story line at all is a bit much. And being that, why didn't our two main characters just blow Tex away the second he came into the bar. See where I'm going with this. Every action and dialogue in the script becomes moot the second Ken dies...well, in the moments after anyway.
I say take Lightning out, and change the ending and you've got a gnarly Western.
SPOILERS: (HIGHLIGHT)
Overall, I think that the "this isn't really happening" thing is very overused. While I'd like to say that the end was fresh and a cool twist, I think it should have ended with Ken just dying.
Now, on that note. You have a lot going on this piece. You introduce Lightning early on, wearing black, which leads me to think he's the antagonist, but then he leaves until he magically reappears to kill someone in the end. This character could be omitted completely in lieu of one of Tex's men getting off one last shot, or something. Also cliche, but better than a character that no one cares about.
Tex and his gang. To be what the ending reveals, this whole story of his brother and the town and the sherriff really is confusing. Is this some gnarly RP thing that's going on? I mean, for what the end becomes, a story line at all is a bit much. And being that, why didn't our two main characters just blow Tex away the second he came into the bar. See where I'm going with this. Every action and dialogue in the script becomes moot the second Ken dies...well, in the moments after anyway.
I say take Lightning out, and change the ending and you've got a gnarly Western.
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Thanks for the read Rod
SPOILERS
Westerns are not really my thing, so I have adjusted it a little to mix with something more my cup of tea. I am normally not a fan of the 'this is not real thing' but it works for me on this genre.
With regards to it being just a plane western, then yes Lightning has no place in the story, but to make the ending work the way I wanted it to I needed to introduce Lightning for a couple of reasons; 1. To create an early confrontation and make you wonder why a gunslinger with a reputation has backed down to a nobody, 2. To give the old cheating computer ending (like I used to get from the old consoles Mastersystem, Megadrive, SNES) where he comes back from nowhere and kills Ken. This is a simulation and thus the programmers want you to get the most out of it, which involves experiencing the simu-death.
If they just killed Tex then they would have wasted all the money they have spent. Challenging one gunslinger is one thing (you may survive), but shooting a man and subsequently getting gunned down by the gang is another. The story of the brother and Tex is just for the show, something for the participants to get involved in and they do.
SPOILERS
Westerns are not really my thing, so I have adjusted it a little to mix with something more my cup of tea. I am normally not a fan of the 'this is not real thing' but it works for me on this genre.
With regards to it being just a plane western, then yes Lightning has no place in the story, but to make the ending work the way I wanted it to I needed to introduce Lightning for a couple of reasons; 1. To create an early confrontation and make you wonder why a gunslinger with a reputation has backed down to a nobody, 2. To give the old cheating computer ending (like I used to get from the old consoles Mastersystem, Megadrive, SNES) where he comes back from nowhere and kills Ken. This is a simulation and thus the programmers want you to get the most out of it, which involves experiencing the simu-death.
If they just killed Tex then they would have wasted all the money they have spent. Challenging one gunslinger is one thing (you may survive), but shooting a man and subsequently getting gunned down by the gang is another. The story of the brother and Tex is just for the show, something for the participants to get involved in and they do.
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Your scenes are described very well and you set up some good visuals.
I didn't feel connected to the characters, so it didn't really matter to me who lived or who died, so that took some impact away from it for me.
I like the barman on the roof top that collapses, good visual. Lots of good old fashioned gun fighting, I enjoyed that.
Like you stated yourself I'm not a big fan of 'this is not the real thing' scenarios, but it explained a lot as to what the characters motivations (or lack thereof) were in the story. So it definitely accomplished that. Makes me think of Westworld with Yul Brennar.
Nice work! Lightning Bell gets the prize so far for best gunslinger name
I didn't feel connected to the characters, so it didn't really matter to me who lived or who died, so that took some impact away from it for me.
I like the barman on the roof top that collapses, good visual. Lots of good old fashioned gun fighting, I enjoyed that.
Like you stated yourself I'm not a big fan of 'this is not the real thing' scenarios, but it explained a lot as to what the characters motivations (or lack thereof) were in the story. So it definitely accomplished that. Makes me think of Westworld with Yul Brennar.
Nice work! Lightning Bell gets the prize so far for best gunslinger name
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
***SPOILERS***
The attitudes of the two main characters clued me in to this not being reality very early in the script, so I spent the rest of the time waiting for the punchline. Perhaps conlanforever put his finger on it for me when he said Westworld. I've been waiting this whole fest for someone to do a story like that, so perhaps I was "looking for it" more than most would.
After they get out of the game I thought the dialog got a little stiff. It didn't sound like the kind of conversation two guys would have after a game. I'm thinking about some of the responses I've seen from my friends over Xbox, and something infinitely more real would garner more reaction than "worth three month's salary."
Thanks for the read!
The attitudes of the two main characters clued me in to this not being reality very early in the script, so I spent the rest of the time waiting for the punchline. Perhaps conlanforever put his finger on it for me when he said Westworld. I've been waiting this whole fest for someone to do a story like that, so perhaps I was "looking for it" more than most would.
After they get out of the game I thought the dialog got a little stiff. It didn't sound like the kind of conversation two guys would have after a game. I'm thinking about some of the responses I've seen from my friends over Xbox, and something infinitely more real would garner more reaction than "worth three month's salary."
Thanks for the read!
lawriejaffa
Veteran
Yep not much further to add than these gentlmen already. Its an amusing and quirky tale that is much like a digital Westworld for a new era hehe and thats not a bad thing either!
I quite like the action - and the twist ending does work and fit in with the characterisations of your game's players. I'd agree with the sentiment that we need a little more adolescence in the guys post game discussion hehe 'Yah that bandit powned your ass!' haha
I quite like the action - and the twist ending does work and fit in with the characterisations of your game's players. I'd agree with the sentiment that we need a little more adolescence in the guys post game discussion hehe 'Yah that bandit powned your ass!' haha
Great Story!
It was sort of a cross between Total Recall and, like others have mentioned, Westworld. Nice twist at the end. My only note is that I think you may want to take advantage of the perfect set up for a double twist that you have in there. It might be kinda cool if when Ken woke up, Henry was really dead. Possibly from some trouble he was having in real life from the guy playing Lightning in the game. Plus it would help solidify the motivation and reason for the conflict we see go down at the bar and jail. It's still super awesome as is but just a few thoughts for fun!
It was sort of a cross between Total Recall and, like others have mentioned, Westworld. Nice twist at the end. My only note is that I think you may want to take advantage of the perfect set up for a double twist that you have in there. It might be kinda cool if when Ken woke up, Henry was really dead. Possibly from some trouble he was having in real life from the guy playing Lightning in the game. Plus it would help solidify the motivation and reason for the conflict we see go down at the bar and jail. It's still super awesome as is but just a few thoughts for fun!
Sarah Daly
Well-known member
Hey - yeah I really liked this - the fact that it was such a western by numbers really worked, and even more so when we figure out that this is like a 'hol-o-deck' version (nerd alert). I do think there's a little unnecessary or forced exposition at the end - once we get it, we get it - no need to say how many months wages the experience cost. Otherwise though, a really fluid, action-packed joy ride of a script. Very impressive and a great first read!
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Blaine
Mr. Hollywood
Not a big fan of this one. The ending left me with the feeling that Bobby Ewing just stepped out of the shower. It would have been worse, of course, if you'd given me characters I cared about. Unfortunately, I found no one in here to cheer for.
I found your scene descriptions a bit tedious reading and feel you would be well served tightening them up. You spent too much time on the farmer, who didn't really have a purpose other than set dressing. And a briefer description of the other "extras" in the saloon would have sufficed as well.
I found your scene descriptions a bit tedious reading and feel you would be well served tightening them up. You spent too much time on the farmer, who didn't really have a purpose other than set dressing. And a briefer description of the other "extras" in the saloon would have sufficed as well.
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