Two Smoking Barrels

DarkElastic said:
Please, if you are going to hate a script (which is totally in your right as a free speaking human being) then please help me out by telling me what I can do to imrpove upon my script to make it better in your book -
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Didnt hate it at all. The issue for me was I was following a group of characters at the beginning and I wasnt sure whom I should be following. I would get fairly quickly to the protagonist. Set him up as a character I care about, and no that doesnt mean fall in love with. And let whoever else you want to show interact with him with meaning.

As its written now, Im introduced to the protagonist late, and then theres not enough about who he is for me to care at all.

When I care about or connect with the character a twist at the end where he is alive will be more impacting. For me anyway.
 
So Darkelastic what kind of changes are you thinking of making to your script based on the feedback? The sci fi ending has split some folk but i think it works with a few extra 'clues' leading up to it!

Imagine how you could throw people if you had one of the 'players' order a Coca Cola in the pub haha (in fact im sure Kevin Costner did that in Robin Hood.)
 
Thanks for asking Lawrie,

Well... You can normally gage what is in need of change from feedback, so the opening is a definate. I need to get to my subject faster and not dilly dally on the extras (they don't deserve the air time). I will also be adding in a few more clues and may change Ken's reaction when Henry is shot. I will read through it again soon.
With regards to the ending... It is split, so I will be keeping it as it is. I will work on the dialogue though and make it more real.
I will also be working throughout my script - and future scripts - to make the action more dynamic and to the point, removing all the clog.

What do you think?
 
This reminded me a lot of Tom Clancy's "NetForce' series. The technological aspect of it, not the premise.

The initial sequences have a tendency for the audience to feel unconcerned about the characters and it's only when you begin the shoot-out that we start having feelings of empathy.

Predictable? Most definitely! But 90% of all Westerns are. It's how you execute the plot that matters.

In relation to the end it makes sense for these two Young guys to enter the arena as such and immediately draw clear battle lines.

A few hints at the twist would have been lovely. That is my only major concern for the plot.

The dialog's are a mixed bag and some work well others are so-so on the nose. Some like the whole explanation of who the bad guy is can be safely edited out.

LOVED THE BARTENDER ON THE ROOF!

That's like the equivalent to a money shot on camera. Flesh him out more.

I like experiments with genre and you've got the skills to pull it off, but I fear you lacked time and a few more pages to polish.

Strike that! You can trim this to a nice 5-7 pages.

All the best.
 
Thanks for the review Rustom.

I will take a lot from the Fest again and hopefully my next script will encorporate all the advice I have been given.
I will like to revisit this script after about a month, so my mind is fresh and I will have be ruthless to it.
 
i really liked the two main characters, though i agree that it was hard to tell who the protagonist was supposed to be in the beginning...there was too much going on at times.

in all, i can see that you are honing your script-writing skills and i thought you have improved since last fest even... glad you entered :)
 
Hello DarkElastic,

Some people have suggested the computer cop out at the end has been done before and perhaps it has but I though the death drug thingy was quite clever and to me at least seemed original.

Well done on coming up with that.

I didn't mind the light hearted feel the two young guys had to their banter and maybe this could have been played upon more since they were only in a game. Maybe he could have laughed or something when his friend was shot.
 
leepback said:
Maybe he could have laughed or something when his friend was shot.
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oooh... that is a great idea. it would have been so creepy and out of place that it would have really grabbed my attention. it would have made me happy at the end when i learned it was just a game too.
 
Thanks for the reviews Jemiejay and Leepback.

Yes, it has been mentioned before about his reaction to his friend being shot. I agree that it would have probably stood out well and really emphasised the ending. My thoughts, when writing it, was that this simulator is that real looking that seeing your friend killed so brutally, even in a simulation, would upset you in some way.

I am glad you both enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.
 
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