Time To Fly

MML

MML

Active member
betrayaltfestTimeToFly.jpg



Logline: Feeling trapped in her relationship, a girl with a flair for the dramatic finally pushes her easy going boyfriend too far.


Looking forward to my first Scriptfest! :2vrolijk_08:
 
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Welcome, good to see some new blood in the fest.

There are usually more competitors, but I think you'll still find the feedback informative. I always do.
 
Come on...I'm ready to play! When do we start??? When do we start??? :2vrolijk_08:
 
Hi MML,

I read your script. The couple's relationship is very interesting, very bitter, a relationship gone sour if you will. It is set up nicely with Ashley's fit of temper. We get slowly taken about this tug of war between the two, which is its self is very interesting... But, I was expecting more. Something hidden between them.

Overall though, it is a well written emotional piece. Well done.
 
POSSIBLE SPOILERS



I really didn't like her, but I think that was the point. :)
You did a great job with that. She came off like a spoiled little brat and I could easily see her striking out at him like she did.

I'm just happy that the birds didn't suffer from being caught in the middle. Nice visual ending with the suitcase as well.

Cheers,

MAH
 
"But you do this at least once a month so the impact has sorta worn off." Classic. :)

It's a nice story, a happy ending balancing the unhappy one. Minor grammatical nitpick: it seems like a lot of your dialogue is missing punctuation (such as the one I quoted).
 
A good story. Your writing reads easily and flows well.

I'm not sure if there is really a true betrayal, but I can see a case being made for it. Either way its not a big deal for me.

Nice job creating characters, I got a really good feeling for who they were and why they acted the way they did. No easy feat in the few pages we have to work with.

Very nice visual at the end.

Really a nice script, I liked it.
 
I liked how you weaved the birds into the story, but I really didn't see a 'betrayal'
here other than just 'drama' which sparked a departure.
 
I was definitely confused on "betrayal". I understand obvious betrayal, like when someone stabs someone else in the back somehow. But for some reason I was thinking that if he got rid of her bird, something she loved, that would be betrayal. And then her act was more revenge.

Sometimes I try to go too far out of the box that I miss the box completely. Not the first time it's happened. :)
 
I think it depends on which side you look at it from. Her side is definately revenge, but on his side, he would feel betrayed. That's how I read it anyway.
 
This was really good. You had a lot of things going on underneath that helped flesh out the story, and left me trying to read in between the lines. I like how you set up a betrayal with Ashley thinking that Connor let her bird go, then you turned it around and had Ashley betray Connor. Very well done, I didn't see it coming.
 
An enjoyable easy read with a balanced ending that works great. Some well-written characters with good chemistry, only hampered by a few minor grammatical errors. Good work.
 
Yep nice depth and symbolism here - we felt for the characters - feels like a real cycle you'd see in a real relationship - I like how Connor chuckles when she can't reach the suitcase...I like how she pushes and pushes him until eventually he snaps. This is a self-destructive cycle you see often. The final turnaround where Connor is the one to leave, is great - satisfying but not expected. You build your characters really well and pack a lot of emotion into so few pagfes - the writing was flawless too - just flowed along - great job!!
 
Great job! Not always easy to get those metaphors across but you did it with flying colors. Great flow and visuals. I was so sad when she kissed Kiki goodbye, but thanks for giving us the beautiful ending.
His taunting was fun and playful, She was so angry and emotional volatile.... Way to snapshot my reality!!! lol. Kick ass job.
 
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