"The Patch-up Kid"

I don't really know what makes me really like this piece. I think it's the feel, the whole underlying bleakness of it. I just loved it. One of my favs!
 
Very good script! A lot of things to like in here. I loved the names you gave your characters. It thought you did a great job of drawing those characters so we could really "see" them. This was a very visual script and with some of the CG experts we have on this site, I could easily see this as an entry on some future DVXUser Film Fest. The story certainly could be told in the six minute time frame and it is a complete story with the requisite beginning-middle-end.

About the only complaint I had with it is The Patch-up Kid's dialogue. It sounded a bit too adult for him, even considering that he's been forced to grow up fast. There's a difference between sounding worldly for his age and sounding adult for his age.
THE PATCH-UP KID
I’ll let you keep the stakes even. I’ve another friend who can come in and help fix you up.
Click to expand...
The grammar and phrasing of this bit of dialogue seems a bit mature and correct, compared to most of his other speech. Contrast it to this bit:
THE PATCH-UP KID
I wouldn’t. This here whiskey could be poisoned too. Let me give him a
swallow and you can plug us both dead or I your gut.
Click to expand...
The only other thing would be the use of the term "haulin' ass." This seems a bit contemporary. Not sure I've heard it used in a piece of that time period.

But those are pretty minor things in what is a very tight and compelling story. I love the fact that this is such a rich yet economical script (6 pages). I also thought you nailed the ending. Kudos, great script.
 
There is a balance and symmetry to this story that is brilliant! It's starts off with the Patch Up Kid pulling a gold tooth and ends the same way. That type of script, especially in short form, is really great because it leaves an audience feeling satisfied. It just feels complete. The writing was incredible and if you haven't figured it out yet, I really liked this entry. Super Job!
 
Its gritty and real, not lofty in its scope you kept it grounded and that works in your favor.

Some great characters and having your kids act grown-up due to their harsh surroundings can be tough to convey but you did an excellent job. PUK's dialogue might be too adult but its not that distracting. Great pacing and structure.

Favorite part was when he healed up the wound using gunpowder. Good work
 
definitely in my top. i loved it.

it's so unique and twisted. the opening scene really grabbed my attention and the kids' characters were fantastic. i would have liked to seen more of squeak and mule.

i do agree about the dialogue being possibly too old for him, but, then... a seven year old is humming while digging a bullet out of a man's gut with his fingers... lol. i also agree with blaine about "hauling ass" not seeming to fit with the time period.

still... it rocked. :beer:
 
One of the best - well done.

Very different to the majority and hence sticks with you while many of the others have rolled into one.

I think you'll do well in the voting.
 
great first shot. great opening scene. probably the best opener of the fest.

“THE PATCH-UP KID
The folks of this town aren’t known
to take too kindly to survivors
haulin’ ass after a gunfight. The
way your guts leakin’, riding a
horse will lead you straight to a
lynch mob itching for some outlaw
to hang. We have a burro you can
borrow but I have to fix Mule
first, he being the only one can
handle the damn animal and all.”

does not sound to me like the way any twelve year old would talk…

“THE PATCH-UP KID
Easy boy. Easy does it.”

A twelve year old is calling a fourteen year old a “boy”?

“THE PATCH-UP KID
Mama told me a grizzly did it. All
I remember is my paw peelin’ my
face off with a knife to find out
if I was white underneath.”

Helluva line. Good job.


“THE PATCH-UP KID
I counted three gold teeth while he
was gabbin’.”

lol

a lot of good lines in this...

this was great. i loved it. although i wish it had a "bigger" ending. it would be cool if you did kind a play on "a fistful of dollars" where the kids incite a huge battle, expertly manufacturing the tension, playing both sides against each other so as to leave more bodies for rooting.
 
The "doesn't seem to me that a twelve year old would talk in this manner/use such words or line" seems to be the general consensus. :)

My main influence for this was "City Of God", kids can pick up mature lingo pretty quick and use it effectively, in my opinion, perhaps not in that period. Ah well! He's memorable though.

As for calling the 14 year old "boy", just going for a bit of character development and subtext.

Mule is 14, muscular and huge. Probably a bit slow witted, only muscle. Like an animal, hence his name. How would you console an injured lummox of a beast? I had Patch-up call him "boy" in that context. Also, shows Patch-up is good at healing folks and reassuring them.


In a short the big ending wouldn't really work for my taste. But it's a great suggestion for expanding this story.

Thanks!!!
 
Great script. I just don't think about kids when I think of westerns, so this script was just a pleasant surprise. Very original, interesting characters. I can't wait to read your next script for the next fest.
 
I loved this Rustom - original, vibrant, bleak - I definitely see the City of God thing and personally, I don't have a problem with a 12 year old speaking like that considering what he's been through - he is the leader of the gang and must act as such.

There's a great tragedy to this - and it's a universal story that just happens to be a western rather than a western that just happens to have a story - if that makes sense?? These could be any kids in a bleak time/circumstance.

You have a wonderful way with words and a talent for storytelling - excellent job!
 
Thank you, Bridget and Sarah, appreciate all the kind words and the votes that placed this script second.

"The Patch-up Kid" is one of my personal favorites of the short scripts I've written and it is really promising when an audience responds to the characters and setting you create.

The Western genre has a lot of potential as far as plot is concerned and I hope it garners more appeal as the Superheros fight, Robots go boom and souped up cars burn rubber on the big screen.

Till next time...
 
Here's some interesting facts about "The Patch-up Kid:

- I was originally gonna write this as a novel with this central character.

- The Patch-up Kid is never referred to by name and it's never mentioned. My Homage to Leone.

- Patch-up and Dawson are the only characters who speak. Many reviewers feel that the other characters speak, but they don't.

- I wrote a short Western prequel, a story entirely in reverse with Dawson as a young kid in that one avenging his family's death. It's called "The Baptism Of Dawson Parish"

And that's pretty much it, really. :)
 
Hey Rustom glad your script did so well - proves that some people do vote with some degree of intellect :p

Excellent project - keep up its development becasue it is new - and would be great to see onscreen (or more ambitiously in novel form :)!
 
Let's just say the novel is never gonna happen. :)

I'm too conditioned as a script-writer now.

Feature length perhaps. Who knows?

As for people with intellect...I thought you were gonna send the winner an accessory of their choice from that Western Themed costume you wore.

Dibs on the hat!!!
 
Hey! Thanks Matias. Means a lot, pal.

Umm...is "he who shall not be named" a member here, as well? Coz' this is like krypton man, I'm powerless here. :)
 
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