The last stop

I didn't always "get" what was going on, and that didn't affect my enjoyment of the script. I liked reading it. It was very mysterious, fun, and the quirks of all the characters made me want to read what happened to them. Sure they could all be developed more, but this is a 10 page contest, and you threw a lot of characters out at us, and it worked. It reminded me of this book called "Geek Love" about a family circus of freaks. This was more on the side of supernatural, but it had its own flavor.

DIGRESSION ALERT!!! Something that's nice about these fests is that these are stories that you would not normally see in the theater. It's nice to know that people are still thinking up original things, and everyone isn't concentrated on making Die Hard 17: With More A Vengence and Faster and Furiouser. END OF DIGRESSION!!!! You created this original world, I could see it, it was a Western, and you made it work.

Everything is confusing at parts to me, but most of the stuff ends up making sense or is fine that I don't know every detial. The ending didn't make sense to me, and I think something earlier where he would say (about Lita and Rita), "I ain't touch girls like that. My mother did me wrong, ran a whorehouse." Then after, some mention of her being "well under ground." This would set the ending up better, and it makes more sense.

Still, great job on this original script. I enjoyed it.
 
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Wow - this is really different - in a good way.

This is an example of violence that isn't just for the sake of it but calculated, motivated and complex. There's so much going on here but because you handle all the various elements so expertly, I was never confused. I was constantly asking questions as I read but in the way you want your reader to ask questions.

This was one of those scripts where every new turn of events is a surprise - I was all set for Jack to be a good guy coming to clean up this freakshow, but, not so much! And I really like how you didn't paint him as simply bad. He's nice to Bub and to his horse. Somehow, despite him being a murderer, we like him. Or maybe that's just me and my penchant for bad boys :)

Either way, this was one of my favourites - a very original and memorable read.
 
Interesting concept. It's like total recall meets the west.

Well written and easy to read. A very good example of a gunfight written in a way that doesn't drag you down.

I'm not sure I understood the motivations of you main character, and the thing with his mother. This left me a little confused with the ending, and the whole story in general.

I thought since you spent some quality time building a character for the horse, it would've come in and saved him or something...

Very very well written, but I found it a little hard to connect with the story.
 
Blaine....thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. I agree making him a bit older makes sense. I'm glad that you liked it.
Thank you for the technical advice as far as the sluglines, time of day. Very good info to have, I appreciate it.

xx...thanks for commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed the script regardless of a few things.
I whole heartedly agree with your digression...heh heh
I'm also glad to hear you felt it original. As far as the ending, I'm going to address that below.

Sarah...Wow...I appreciate the compliments. You got everything I was going for, which is good to hear. Ah...girls always go for the bad guy, lol.
Thank you for the kind words.

yeehaanow...thanks for taking the time to read and comment. The horse is really his only friend and I wanted to show how his actions reflect on the horse, when he re names it after each victim.

As far as the end, I thought that the end resolved questions about his motivation. Though I did leave it slightly open to interpetation. Some seem to have gotten and others not. I don't if there is a middle ground for me, because I don't want to hit people over the head with it.

 
conlanforever said:
As far as the end, I thought that the end resolved questions about his motivation. Though I did leave it slightly open to interpetation. Some seem to have gotten and others not. I don't if there is a middle ground for me, because I don't want to hit people over the head with it.
Click to expand...

And beat us over the head with it you did not! The realisations of the resolution trickled gently into my brain. I think you have just the right amount of exposition - I tend to tie things up too neatly and not leave any space for the audience to interpret events so I was very impressed at your subtlety, yet you did provide all the answers we needed, just not on a plate. As long as the correct interpretation is possible from the information you have provided, then you've done your job. I like that you left some gaps for my lazy brain to bridge! :)
 
Rock solid formatting and structure. Didn't see you slip up once and this script is a fine example of how scripts should read and be formatted.

Dialogue and characters were also top notch. No complaints or advice here.

Story was interesting. Nice and original and sucked me in from the opening till the end. I started expecting a standard western, but nice mix going on here.

Loads of nice touches and ideas. One of my favorites.

Well done.
 
What an original, fascinating premise!!!

"Deadwood" meets "Carnivale" with a good measure of family drama to round it off.

I love the characters. Some of the best in my opinion in this contest.

I wish some of them wouldn't be mere props, the Giant, Coin...You set them up quite cleverly to dispatch them off in equally quick fashion.

Otherwise very surreal, memorable and excellently paced.

All the best.
 
Oh I love a freakshow! There are so many unique characters to enjoy here. AND THEN you get to enjoy them being utterly obliterated, wait ... that seems wrong somehow... oh well.

Original and enjoyable, nice little references to Beelzebub - who here is such a lovable little kid, probably unintentional but two other words came together and I laughed a little "Jack Knife" :grin:

I liked that Jack wasn't the squeaky clean hero, he's a mess and it works but his motivations were a little lost to me... was he going after the women that left his mother all by herself, so he's all f'd up in the head because of his mom?

Your script is mechanical or medical in its presentation. Always concise and there's a focused way of getting details across, structure and everything is solid.
 
Yeah I liked that too - it worked because it dealt with all kinds of dark sexual themes - and psychological problems, and managed to express it both subtly, and then in contrast with extremity, yet it all fitted within this dark romantic theme.

A very very artistic piece that i think has to rank among the most original and exciting entries imo.
 
This was fantastic. I loved that you made Jack the Ripper the hero of your story.

I'd love to see this filmed. Unfortunately, its such a beast in terms of production requirements, I doubt I'll ever have the pleasure. If you can't get this produced, you should rework it into a short story and get it published.

Two minor things:

JACK (late 20s) wiry and tough as nails, rides CHARLOTTE, a​
black mare,

I'd reverse that to
JACK (late 20s) wiry and tough as nails, rides a​
black mare, CHARLOTTE
because dirty minded me read it a different way.
You always talk to yer horse.

I believe you want a question mark not a period.

Besides that, this is pretty perfect. Reads great, details are amazing, and the story is interesting. Nothing's on the nose, the dialogue is sharp, I could go on.

Excellent work.
 
Sarah...thanks for stopping by again. You really got what I was going for and others did as well. While a few didn't quite get the end, I think at this point I'll probably leave it the way it is. I'd love for the story to connect completely with everyone, but I guess thats not always possible.

Sean...thanks for reading and commenting. I worked a lot on trying to make sure the format was tight, glad it didn't go unnoticed. Thanks again for the compliments.

Rustom...I appreciate the kind words.
Funny that you mention "Deadwood" after my wife read it, she commented that she instantly imagined Ian McShane as Cryus.
I agree about the Giant, Coin, I would've liked to flesh them out a bit more, but with the page requirements, I was actually focused more on cutting it down. But I had more in mind for Coin especially. Thanks again for taking the time.

MrK....thanks for the comments. Glad you got the references. You are correct, the Jack Knife thing was unintentional.
As far as Jack's motivations, he is a serial killer, he kills dark haired prostitutes and takes a lock of their hair as a trophy. This stems from growing up in a whorehouse that his Mother ran and also sexual abuse. I tried to show that she was a little too 'close' to him by her actions at the end, running her finger around his chest and wanting him to help with her hair. Hope that helps clear it up.

lawrie...wow! I truly appreciate the compliments.

Jason...Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Great compliment that you'ld like to see it on film,but , I think you're right as far as production goes, probably not going to happen. Actually thats something I need to think about and try to tone the budget down on my scripts or I'll never see a story produced.
I'm intrigued by the idea of turning it into a short story and I may explore that avenue.

Jason you nasty man. "rides CHARLOTTE" lol, if I change it, "rides a black mare" then LAWRIE will misread it the same way. hehe
Seriously, I think you're correct. Also that should've been a question mark.

Thanks for compliments. I appreciate it.
 
This is by far the worst script of the fest...LMAO....Just kidding...

First, for the Bub and Oginali intros, give us there names when they're first introduced. Easier for the flow and you won't have to use the parenthesis to tell us a few lines later.

HOLY ****! A twisted, serial killer in the West theme. That is just gnarly! GNARLY! I love the weird, Total Recall-esque bar with all of the freaks and whores. And the way he named his horse fater the latest boad he disposed of was just an awesome way of showing the way some serial killers think. My only question, and God I hope not...did he nail his own mom before he killed her? I totally got the incest vibe from her, and I dig that he's killing whores because his mother is one. Very Norman Bates.

Killer story and awesome writing.
 
Hey Rod...thanks for taking the time to review. Point taken on the Bub and Oginali intros.

Sweet! Thats the first GNARLY I've gotten in the fest. It sounds like you got everything I was going for. Hmmm...did he nail his Mom or didn't he? Sounds like you know the answer to that already, you just don't want to admit it. hehe

Thanks for the gnarly words, its appreciated!
 
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Short review here as I've read several last night in bed and some of them tend to run into each other.

I can recall that I really enjoyed the atmosphere at the last stop maybe a tad more than the actual overall plot. Cant put my finger on why it didn't totally win me over, feelings aren't always rational.

I didn't pick up on the horse name change or the fact his home used to be a brothel, but did pick up on the incest side of things. I had a bit of trouble with the action scene but that's me as I seem to do so with al these scripts. I think I'm confused was the giant's name coin? I was thinking they were two characters.

Perhaps I was tired. Good luck with the ratings.
 
Leepback...thanks for taking the time to review. You're correct the Giant and Coin are two different characters. Hopefully you can make the next fest.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to read and review my script.

It seems there was a little divide, a few people didn't quite get what I was going for and some people got it all. I can't really figure a way to change it and keep the subtlety that many people liked about the script. I guess writing is subjective after all.

I appreciate everyone's critique, whether they got it all or none of it.

Good luck! See you in the next scriptfest! :beer:
 
"Jack holds a piece of jerky out to Bub (dirty kid) and Oginali
(mutt). They eye it cautiously and then simultaneously snatch
it away and chew ravenously."

lol

nice.

"Cyrus spreads his arms in a dramatic flourish. All THREE of
them. A puny, pale arm sticks out from the left side of his
rib cage. The hand is a fleshy pincher."

???

is this western-themed total recall fan fiction?

"COIN (20s) a downtrodden young man enters from a back door,
he carries an AX, walks to the end of the bar and plants the
ax in the barrel top."

lol

nice intro.

the fight scene at the end was great. like watching an extra twisted brawl on jerry springer...this is definitely one of my favorite scripts of the fest.
 
Arroway...thanks for the review. Happy to see you point out the jerky snatching scene, I thought it would make a nice visual.
I appreciate the kind words.

Congratz on snagging first place, it was well deserved.
 
Damn you Conlan - That third place was supposed to MIIIIiiine! *falls on knees* mine!

Just you wait - my next entry will have far more freaks engaging in sexual acts - (especially if its RomComFest next) you wait and see - mark my words!

;) muhahaha

(thats my version of a congrats!)
Lawrie :)
 
LOL! If you're congratz came in any other package, I wouldn't think you were being sincere.

lawriejaffa said:
Just you wait - my next entry will have far more freaks engaging in sexual acts - (especially if its RomComFest next) you wait and see - mark my words!
Click to expand...

Sorry Lawrie....Its not going to be HomeMoviefest.

Thank you. :beer:
 
Hey Conlan have you ever danced with a three armed midget in the Pale moonlight?

(Well if you ever visit LA there's a club... *ahem*) hehe

:p joking aside - you earned it mate :)
 
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