The last stop

Russell Moore

Russell Moore

Well-known member
THE LAST STOP

Jack stops at a saloon on his journey home. The saloons patrons have dark secrets, but none as dark as the secret Jack carries with him.



Okay, the tag is a little weak, I hate writing loglines. But at least its done.
Yeeeehaw!
 
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***Spoilers***

Bezzle Bub. :)

Every script of yours that I've read is a very original, well structured vision and this is no different. The cast of characters in this is fantastic with their little quirks and how they play out. Just as a personal note, I think I liked your last two scriptfest entries more, but this is still quality work.
 
hey there Conlan (yep spoilers too)

I enjoyed this dark little tale! Likewise I found the cast of characters to be utterly intriguing and menacing with their own peculiarities and such like with our 'hero' er... The little reveal with the kid and its metaphors (which i think are abundant in this) create a general mood of evil, perversion and dark sexuality.

This is a very neo-gothic like clive barker-esque western that wouldn't look out of place in his books of blood!

So I enjoyed it - and of course found it disturbing as well! I think this is as Krestofre says a 'quality work.' For me the only room I can see for improvement is to bring a greater clarity to the overall point (as i draw conclusions myself) but is it meant to be subjective or do you have an overriding point to make with the script? I took from it that our lead was trapped in a personal hell doomed to travel with no home and an insatiable appetite wrought from the horrors of war and sexual abuse! (yey)

If there is a more singular point you want to make though that might be lost within the quite overwhelming (but i think delicious) macabre beasties you have occupying the story.
 
krestofre...thanks I truly appreciate the compliments and glad you enjoyed it. I think maybe this story had a little less emotional/personal punch than my last two stories.
Thanks for reading and commenting.

Lawrie the twisted, heh heh...I appreciate the comments and glad to hear that you enjoyed it. I'll take any comparison to Barker as a compliment. Thank you.
You always give me a lot to think about in your comments. I'll have to chew it over a bit, but I'll definitely get back to the subject. Thanks for the thoughts.
 
I'm just amazed you managed to fit all my ex-girlfriends in your script Conlan - how'd you do it ;) and yes It was definately meant as a compliment! Excellent bit of dark poetry there (as Bill Hicks might say)
 
@conlanforever

i really liked your script sir.

you had alot of characters and all had their own unique 'image' and traits, which i liked. i liked the unfamiliarity in the beginning, when Jack meets the Dirty Kid, whos name appears as Bub later.

Bub waves his derby, exposing two little horns on his
head.
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this was my absolute favorite line from the script. although dual horns are often associated with satan (lol?), this came off as a happy exit out of the saloon, which i thought was cool.

overall i liked your script. stuctured really well, sluglines were done well and you used 'continuous' and 'later', so props to you. good job :thumbup:
 
Krestofre...glad to see you got my Beelzebub reference.

Lawrie...You got it right with the traveling with no home, personal hell, horrors of war, sexual abuse. He was tired of it and finally decided it was time to go back to the origin and put an end to it or try anyway. I wasn't trying to make one singular point withe story, more subjective.

Please who are you kidding, I just barely scratched the surface of the many twisted babes 'o' perversion that you've dated. heh heh

Nouou....I appreciate the read and I'm glad that you liked the script.
I'm happy to hear that the introduction of Bub and the exit with him worked for you.
Thank you for the props and the comments.
 
Hey, just read it and I REALLY enjoyed this one.

The way it started out I thought it was going to be another 'guy goes to a bar and there's a shootout' type deal but I was extremely surprised by the bizarre freak show that ensued. The cast of characters were all great in their own way.

Also, your writing is very descriptive but in the most concise way possible which is great. Short and sweet, easy to read.

I really liked...
Their hands find
buttons and their clothes find the floor.
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Such a quick and easy way to describe something that could've taken up so much unnecessary space.

The ending was great. I liked how the biggest "freak" of them all turned out to be the one with no physical abnormalities. With the "Everyone who comes here does it for a reason" line I figured he would have something wrong with him but never expected it to be that bad!

My only tiny little trivial nit-pick would be some of the action lines seem to run on just using commas where there should be periods. For example...

JACK (late 20s) wiry and tough as nails, rides CHARLOTTE, a
black mare, there's a small town in the distance.
Click to expand...
I think that would've read easier with starting a new sentence at "There's." There were a few other things like that scattered throughout but not a whole lot.

Overall, this one was great and a ton of fun to read. Very solid entry in my book. :thumbup:
 
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Great characters! There so much going on in here. I think what this story does best is giving you enough to think that something might not be right with Jack and then taking that doubt away in just the right places . You have done this by creating those moments of heroism (being kind to the Bub, helping Molly) which really keeps the reader wondering about this guy. How can anything be wrong with a guy like this? Then when we get to the end we find out Jack has some serious issues. Great Work!
 
i love a freak show... what excellent characters! your scripts never disappoint. good action, unique and thought-provoking plots, and always a satisfying amount of the twisted. ;)

i, too, picked up on the beelzebub reference... nice. and oginali means "friend", right?

i hope i don't sound like an idiot with this question but- did molly's spirit go into the horse or did he just name the horse after his latest victim? it's an interesting concept either way.

my favorite scene was the image of an unconscious conjoined twin dragging her sister to the floor... so messed up it was perfection. ;)

and we both had a saloon girl named molly! you know what they say about great minds... haha :)

great job! :beer:

jamie
 
Tim, Mark Jamie...thank you for the kind words, its truly appreciated.

Tim....glad you enjoyed it. I'm happy to hear the descriptions worked for you, I've been working to try and keep them short and concise.
You're dead right about the periods, I certainly could have used them in some spots. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Mark....I wanted there to be some sincere side to Jack. So it wouldn't so black and white, and there would be some gray area, because he does have some "serious issues" I appreciate the compliments.

Jamie....Glad you enjoyed the freak show.
Nice pick up on Bub and you're correct Oginali means friend :thumbup:
He is just calling the horse after each victim as a twisted homage and you never sound like an idiot.
The twin dragging scene is also one of my favorite visuals.

Molly the saloon girls, what are the odds. hehe
You actually influenced the climax of the Sue plotline. In my last script I know you wanted the heroine to get out on her own and I thought that it would be perfect for Sue in this situation. Always appreciate your comments. Thanks.
 
very cool and original. i liked all the freaks. sort of wanted them to win out over Jack, but this is his story so that probably couldn't happen. i would, however, have liked it better if this saloon had indeed been the 'last stop' for Jack. Doesn't necessarily mean he has to die there in the story, maybe he just stays there and takes over the place, but since the name of the script and the name of the bar are both 'last stop', I was expecting and wanting this place to be the end of the line for the character. it may seem too obvious but that's just how i felt.

i'll admit i was a bit confused by the ending with the mother. was there anything supernatural going on with the locks of hair? does he kill his mother at end? maybe i'm dumb but i had a lot of questions at the end.

i know time is short but i wish you would've developed the mentally-crazy guy more. we never really know much about him except for the bartender telling us he's crazy. if you develop his insanity more it'll really give this saloon a feeling of freakishness, because we'd have a stronger sense of the physical and mental craziness of the people inside.

finally, small technical note, you're not consistent with the way you introduce characters. sometimes you'll give us their names right away, but other times you'll wait until we learn their names. for example with bub, he's referred to as "dirty boy" at first until we learn his name. i'd just save time and space by referring to him by name from the get-go.
 
Hey Colan, I just read your script and enjoyed it.

Well, most of the points I would have made have been made. Your characters are great, everyone of them has something. Your structure is good and clear, which made it easy to read.
ReHov - The hair is a trinquet, or a reminder to him of his victims and he gives them to the creater of his problem, his mother after he has finally killed her for his past sufferings. Whether he changes, who knows... I like to think probably not, it will just morph into something else.


Overall, a great story and I totally agree with Lawrie, this is perverse, sexual violent... Clive barker every day. Well done. One of my favourites.
 
Hiya! I loved this one! Had to re-read and check - so Jack re-names his horse with the name of each last victim...???
This script kept me well involved right up to a well executed ending. Definately one of my favourites.
 
conlanforever said:
He is just calling the horse after each victim as a twisted homage and you never sound like an idiot.
The twin dragging scene is also one of my favorite visuals.

Molly the saloon girls, what are the odds. hehe
You actually influenced the climax of the Sue plotline. In my last script I know you wanted the heroine to get out on her own and I thought that it would be perfect for Sue in this situation. Always appreciate your comments. Thanks.
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i like that it is a homage rather than something supernatural... it still would have been interesting, but it would have been more confusing and it would have changed the entire character for me... i like that he is just a conflicted killer ;)

wow... i'm flattered you take my words so much to heart. i like sue's escape... very empowering to women :)
 
REHov...Thanks for the compliments.
As far as the locks of hair, DarkElastic is correct they are trophies he has collected from all his victims.

The Last Stop Saloon was a last stop for some.

Yes he kills his Mother and really he has been killing her over and over. All his victims had dark hair just like his Mother. He just wanted it to end and returned to the origin of all his problems, a brothel run by his sexually abusive Mother.

Hope that helps clear it up. Its great that we get to discuss this stuff in the fests.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

DarkElastic.... First of all, don't call me Colan. heh heh

Seriously, I truly appreciate the compliments. I'm glad that you enjoyed it and it sounds like you got the points I was trying to make. Thanks for taking the time.

NJPage....Great to have you in the fest and thank you for the comments. I was hoping that the end would answer most of the questions raised throughout the script. I appreciate the kind words.

Jamie I thought you made some really good points in your critique and that when it came to deal with Sue, I thought it worked perfectly for her character.
 
Very nice read. The cast of characters in the saloon were all interesting and played their parts well. At first I was a bit put off thinking this was just another one of the horror/westerns but found this one much easier to "just go with it."

Of course I was wondering what Jack's quirk of nature was until he got in the bedroom with Molly. Imagine, a serial killer trying NOT to kill her. Ahh, but it was never meant to be.

Being raised in a brothel warped him and the act of killing the women was in fact him killing his mother. At this point in his life, the act of actually killing her probably won't be enough to put an end to it, though. I can see him wandering the west, continuing to kill, unable to fill an empty hole within himself.

This was a very fast read and pulled me through the story. I think you did a good job of defining the characters we needed to know about. Fine job with that.

I like that fact that he call the horse by the name of his last sexual victim.

If I had any criticisms, I would have liked to seen Jack a bit older, 30s, and a bit worn out by his world. After all, he seems to be returning to the scene of all that made him what he is. (I also wonder if the woman was really his mother or if he might have been born to one of her girls and she just raised him. Ah, but that's another story AND a reason for him to continue looking for her...)

From a merely technical point of view, I'd have liked to have you set the time of day at the small town, rather than just saying later since is it a major change of location. It would help when breaking the script down for production. EXT. SMALL TOWN - NIGHT
I would use the continuous for actions spanning action across disparate areas. Again, this is strictly from a script breakdown for construction standpoint. It might seen like a small thing for a short script, but when you get into longer scripts and trying to put together a production board, you want to know your night scenes from day scenes just like your interior from exteriors to make it easier to schedule. After you've set your time at your location, sure go ahead and say later to show a passage of time but try to help your UPM out wherever you can.

Serial killer stories have become overdone, what with all the movies and shows like Criminal Minds and Dexter, but I like the twist you put on it, setting it as a western.

Oh, did I say I liked it? Well, I did.
 
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