The Death of Superman
- Thread starter Mobie540
- Start date
Matt Harris
Veteran
Nice, looking forward to the reading.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Blind guess... It's like when you find out there's no Santa Clause. I hated when I found that out!
Looks like you managed to get a cool poster after all.
Looks like you managed to get a cool poster after all.
Mobie540
Well-known member
You know that's a nice metaphor now that I think about it.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
***Don't read reviews until you've read the script.
Notes:
- Is this a true story?
This was a tear jerker. I like that you were trying to build up to the present and then build back down. But I think it really could end when Bryan realizes what his father meant and then have the old guy die. The extra stories from other people is distracting from what is a perfect father son story. A really good job.
Notes:
- Is this a true story?
This was a tear jerker. I like that you were trying to build up to the present and then build back down. But I think it really could end when Bryan realizes what his father meant and then have the old guy die. The extra stories from other people is distracting from what is a perfect father son story. A really good job.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
**REVIEW COMING
SIDE NOTE--
If you get a chance to read mine, the script I uploaded to DVX has a clerical error.
So if you download it, it's not the right one...
Here's the proper one.
DEATH BY COP: http://bit.ly/qq2c1G
SIDE NOTE--
If you get a chance to read mine, the script I uploaded to DVX has a clerical error.
So if you download it, it's not the right one...
Here's the proper one.
DEATH BY COP: http://bit.ly/qq2c1G
KhamIsk
Well-known member
I liked it. I remember reading in the past an alike entry on MoviePoet, it's called "Going Home". Alike - meaning the theme. The fact is - you found a way to make yours unique and that's great.
We're going to and fro - adult Brian, little Brian, adult - I liked all that going back and fro, I can see it on film.
I didn't like other characters' VO in the middle of it - I don't see why you need it.
I'd think of another title - this one doesn't do justice to your piece, I think .
We're going to and fro - adult Brian, little Brian, adult - I liked all that going back and fro, I can see it on film.
I didn't like other characters' VO in the middle of it - I don't see why you need it.
I'd think of another title - this one doesn't do justice to your piece, I think .
Sunk99
Well-known member
I give script criticism by the line as I read.
Pg 1 We never see Dad's face in any of the scenes. **This totally breaks the reader from the story and actual is directing. If the face is not to be shown, describe such in visuals, not direction.
**I love the opening visual of the dad swinging the kid superman style. I remember doing that. Ya let go into a couch for fun.
Pg 2 ADULT BRYAN (V.O.) (CONT'D) **The intercuts were well written.
1990 **how shown?
14 YEAR-OLD BRYAN **easy for the audience to think this is a different boy if not visual shown.
Pg 3 1996 19 YEAR-OLD BRYAN **again how shown?
PRESENT DAY **same again how shown?
Pg 4 Bryan runs towards **I thought he didn't care?
Pg 6 Oh that! (Laughs) I'm a little accident prone. **So he is talking direct to the audience?
Dad carries BRYAN (both in different wardrobe) **Lost me a bit. This should be another scene as a flashback. I see on the next pg it is a series of flashbacks - all different scenes though.
Pg 7 Time stops for Bryan **Novelistic. How is this shown?
Time begins to speed up for all the nurses and doctors. ** And how shown?
Pg 9 Blood from a cut on Bryan's forehead drips **How did he get the cut? I thought this Dad was spinning him?
tears well up from the sight. **I'm a bit lost. Bryan the kid is crying?
Pg 10 Dad carries Four year-old Bryan **Okay I get it, but earlier it was said he landed gently on the recliner. Needed to show him whomping his head.
container with Dad's remains **I never heard of a hospital cremating a body. Maybe change it to the funeral home?
A good story with gobs of potential. Play down the boy disliking his father, but rather just growing distant as so many do.
Again great story.
Pg 1 We never see Dad's face in any of the scenes. **This totally breaks the reader from the story and actual is directing. If the face is not to be shown, describe such in visuals, not direction.
**I love the opening visual of the dad swinging the kid superman style. I remember doing that. Ya let go into a couch for fun.
Pg 2 ADULT BRYAN (V.O.) (CONT'D) **The intercuts were well written.
1990 **how shown?
14 YEAR-OLD BRYAN **easy for the audience to think this is a different boy if not visual shown.
Pg 3 1996 19 YEAR-OLD BRYAN **again how shown?
PRESENT DAY **same again how shown?
Pg 4 Bryan runs towards **I thought he didn't care?
Pg 6 Oh that! (Laughs) I'm a little accident prone. **So he is talking direct to the audience?
Dad carries BRYAN (both in different wardrobe) **Lost me a bit. This should be another scene as a flashback. I see on the next pg it is a series of flashbacks - all different scenes though.
Pg 7 Time stops for Bryan **Novelistic. How is this shown?
Time begins to speed up for all the nurses and doctors. ** And how shown?
Pg 9 Blood from a cut on Bryan's forehead drips **How did he get the cut? I thought this Dad was spinning him?
tears well up from the sight. **I'm a bit lost. Bryan the kid is crying?
Pg 10 Dad carries Four year-old Bryan **Okay I get it, but earlier it was said he landed gently on the recliner. Needed to show him whomping his head.
container with Dad's remains **I never heard of a hospital cremating a body. Maybe change it to the funeral home?
A good story with gobs of potential. Play down the boy disliking his father, but rather just growing distant as so many do.
Again great story.
BasilSunshine
Member
***SPOILERS***
Hi Christopher, making notes as I go.
Woah, great opening and V.O. dialogue.
NINE YEAR-OLD BRYAN = should probably be Bryan (9). Same with 14-year old and etc.
GREY SEDAN - LATER = Should probably just be LATER if the location didn't change. That was a bit confusing.
(Pg 6-7) JUMP CUT TO: = I think you should maybe put new sluglines here instead. Maybe with different years, 1981, etc. Using cuts in spec scripts is discouraged. Alternately you could format it as a MONTAGE.
Do they let people wear necklaces for chest x-rays?
I'm not that keen on the part where he tells in V.O. about the last moments with his Dad. I think that would be more touching as a scene.
I thought the necklace was going to be important to the ending, because it was mentioned so often, then nothing happened with it. Maybe the Dad could give it to him if you write the above scene?
I like the end with the boy crying because of blood on the Dad's shirt. That might be kind of difficult to get across on film, though. Maybe he should hug his Dad tight after the tears well up.
EDIT: I totally missed page 10 at first (and only went back because the review above mine mentioned cremation which I missed) and thought the tears welling up was the end. I don't think page 10 is needed really. Ending on the couch flying makes the story circular and complete. We get that the Dad died so no need to show him with the ashes. Also, I agree with the other reviewer questioning whether a hospital would do cremations.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. It was a touching coming-of-age tale. Good job!
Hi Christopher, making notes as I go.
Woah, great opening and V.O. dialogue.
NINE YEAR-OLD BRYAN = should probably be Bryan (9). Same with 14-year old and etc.
GREY SEDAN - LATER = Should probably just be LATER if the location didn't change. That was a bit confusing.
(Pg 6-7) JUMP CUT TO: = I think you should maybe put new sluglines here instead. Maybe with different years, 1981, etc. Using cuts in spec scripts is discouraged. Alternately you could format it as a MONTAGE.
Do they let people wear necklaces for chest x-rays?
I'm not that keen on the part where he tells in V.O. about the last moments with his Dad. I think that would be more touching as a scene.
I thought the necklace was going to be important to the ending, because it was mentioned so often, then nothing happened with it. Maybe the Dad could give it to him if you write the above scene?
I like the end with the boy crying because of blood on the Dad's shirt. That might be kind of difficult to get across on film, though. Maybe he should hug his Dad tight after the tears well up.
EDIT: I totally missed page 10 at first (and only went back because the review above mine mentioned cremation which I missed) and thought the tears welling up was the end. I don't think page 10 is needed really. Ending on the couch flying makes the story circular and complete. We get that the Dad died so no need to show him with the ashes. Also, I agree with the other reviewer questioning whether a hospital would do cremations.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. It was a touching coming-of-age tale. Good job!
Last edited:
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
1 How would we know it's Southeast Asian?
1 Instead of a bold line addressing the reader how about starting with 'Face unseen, FATHER...' The bold line really distracts from the story. If you work that detail into the writing you won't have to stop and tell us which pulls us out of your world.
1 Numbers should be written out in dialogue.
10 Would dad be cremated at an ER? Or maybe Bryan was getting fixed up? Why would he have his dad's ashes. Confused on that one.
I like the cross sections and I think it has real emotional merit. My one tip would be to consider using less (V.O.) to convey story details. I liked when the narration was more poetic and less directive of what we were seeing. Heartfelt.
1 Instead of a bold line addressing the reader how about starting with 'Face unseen, FATHER...' The bold line really distracts from the story. If you work that detail into the writing you won't have to stop and tell us which pulls us out of your world.
1 Numbers should be written out in dialogue.
10 Would dad be cremated at an ER? Or maybe Bryan was getting fixed up? Why would he have his dad's ashes. Confused on that one.
I like the cross sections and I think it has real emotional merit. My one tip would be to consider using less (V.O.) to convey story details. I liked when the narration was more poetic and less directive of what we were seeing. Heartfelt.
jasonthewho
Veteran
This was a really nice, personal feeling story. Whether or not it was drawn from real life, it feels that way, and that's always good. I wonder why you don't want the father's face seen? This made me wonder if we would eventually see it, and there would be some big twist inherent in seeing it. I think it's a fine artistic choice, I just wonder the purpose.
My only complaint really in this very touching story, is that there's something relatively generic about it. It's almost too universal, if that's possible. But really great job.
My only complaint really in this very touching story, is that there's something relatively generic about it. It's almost too universal, if that's possible. But really great job.
simonpwood
Well-known member
Good story.
I just skyped my folks to see how they are...they were happy that I called.
So it worked for me.
I just skyped my folks to see how they are...they were happy that I called.
So it worked for me.
Mobie540
Well-known member
Hey everyone thanks for the great feedback. This was a tough one to write as it is based on a true story.
I'll try to address some of the comments/questions:
Yeah I was hoping no one would get that the hospital doesn't do cremations. I thought it would be more touching to see the same image Dad carries Bryan from the ER and Bryan carries Dad's remains from the ER. And Hospitals have several entrances, going through the ER is where I entered and exited.
The necklace is a slight reference to Dad serving over in Vietnam in the Army and the son following in those same footsteps by joining the Army too. The subtext was deep down he really did look up to dad. Also, when a patient is sedated on a respirator they take x-rays with a mobile device, the necklace was actually on the x-ray.
Connecting Brian through the years, whether the audience would realize it was the same character. I gave him glasses and a red cap in several scenes at different ages so the connection is there.
I made a call with the bold text and having dad only shown from the neck down b/c I got sick of starting with "From the neck down..." every time Dad was in a scene.
@Keaton - I like that angle I'll dabble with it. But I tried to stay as true to real life events when I wrote this.
@jason - I went with the angle of never seeing Dad's face as sort of an angle on being all powerful, every present if that make sense and these are all memories so to me it's more abstract in a sense.
@simonpwood - Awesome, that's the point of writing this!
I'll try to address some of the comments/questions:
Yeah I was hoping no one would get that the hospital doesn't do cremations. I thought it would be more touching to see the same image Dad carries Bryan from the ER and Bryan carries Dad's remains from the ER. And Hospitals have several entrances, going through the ER is where I entered and exited.
The necklace is a slight reference to Dad serving over in Vietnam in the Army and the son following in those same footsteps by joining the Army too. The subtext was deep down he really did look up to dad. Also, when a patient is sedated on a respirator they take x-rays with a mobile device, the necklace was actually on the x-ray.
Connecting Brian through the years, whether the audience would realize it was the same character. I gave him glasses and a red cap in several scenes at different ages so the connection is there.
I made a call with the bold text and having dad only shown from the neck down b/c I got sick of starting with "From the neck down..." every time Dad was in a scene.
@Keaton - I like that angle I'll dabble with it. But I tried to stay as true to real life events when I wrote this.
@jason - I went with the angle of never seeing Dad's face as sort of an angle on being all powerful, every present if that make sense and these are all memories so to me it's more abstract in a sense.
@simonpwood - Awesome, that's the point of writing this!