The Cuckoo Pass Incident

mookid

mookid

Member
When you enter The Cuckoo Pass, prepare to not return.
script is unproduced and available
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heh, I learned some valuable lessons from the last scriptfest in that regard. The description is really just the backstory and atmosphere that I try to build.
 
The scriptfests are great for learning the craft. I've picked up valuable lessons from each scriptfest that I've entered.

Looking forward to seeing how the backstory and atmoshere work in with the story.
 
Give your character names, instead of "Guy #1" and "Guy #2" - those descriptions are usually for minor
cameo roles but your characters were in the entire story. Give us a name and then give us a trait
so that we can identify with the characters. Good luck.
 
SPOILERS!



Loved the last line. Nice way to finish. This seemed pretty polished and I enjoyed the read.
The dialogue seemed to work pretty well. The only thing that brought me out was the movie quote.

Nice job.

MAH
 
Well done, good story.

It would be nice if the guys had names and something to distinguish them, but it didn't take me out of the story that is there.

The action was written well and I could see everything happening as you wrote it.

The dialogue sounds natural, but I thought it could be trimmed a little (definitely the movie quote). I felt that the flashbacks could also maybe trimmed and condensed a little to pick up the pace of the story. But these are minor things.

Regardless, I enjoyed the script and I liked that the woman turned out to be the "Cuckoo". Good work.
 
I mean all the radioactivity and the mutants won’t help...
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Nice. :)

You have some grammatical errors (in the line above, I believe there should be a comma after "I mean") and some oddities of language:

One day I will find out who did it.
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Odd that the guy who says this spends the next two full pages telling us who did it. :) I imagine that you meant something like "One day, I will find the man who did it."

I'm usually a fan of just dropping the reader into the middle of the script and not wasting time on explaining the universe that's been created, but I think sending your cast after "metal" may be just a little too vague. For that matter, I can't imagine any situation where customers wouldn't mind U-238 contamination. :)

I realize I sound pretty critical here, but I really did like the script.
 
Charli said:
Give your character names, instead of "Guy #1" and "Guy #2" - those descriptions are usually for minor
cameo roles but your characters were in the entire story. Give us a name and then give us a trait
so that we can identify with the characters. Good luck.
Click to expand...

I agree with Charli here. If these guys are going to have a speaking roll of more than one line give them a name. It helps us bond with them and makes the end even stronger.
 
Good visuals.

Agreed, names for your dudes. You should name one of them, "Guy" just to spite us all =)

Liked the idea of the narrative device. Not an easy thing to pull off, but it works, it would work better expanded, so you would have more room to breathe.

This has a good feel, it would play well on-screen.
 
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Hi Moonkid, just read your script.

I agree with the Guy comments. I thought you struggled at the beginning of your script to get the helicopter description across. The rest was well written.
Like most scripts in this Fest, I feel a little more time and a few more drafts will help this a lot.
It seemed a little convenient having a guy be there because his brother was killed. It also make it a bit choppy. Just having a horror story of the area would have had the same impact, in my mind.
I did see the ending coming, once she spoke after they had lowered their guns.

I enjoyed the read, well done.
 
I had a hard time keeping track of the chararacters because you pretty much named them all GUY. So after the first page it all seemed like one Guy to me, none of them had a unique voice or personality.

I think if you give them each a name and flesh them out a bit that will help your story a lot. Also just a bit of a trim on the action lines will add more tension and suspense. This had some but I think that would make it have more of an impact.
 
Well written, I didn't see it coming with the woman being the traitor. I agree with other feedback that you should name your characters and give them a distinguishing characteristic. I felt there were too many flashback scenes that could have been merged into two or one.

In the first scene Guy#1 ask the woman if she is alright and she responds by saying stop asking me that all the time when it was his first time asking.

Either way, you have small and simple details to make adjustments to.
 
I really liked the dialogue in this. It really flowed well and helped to separate the characters. However, I know almost everyone has mentioned this already, but giving the characters names would have helped us to relate to the characters more. You've got a good story here and I think it would be a pretty entertaining short film.
 
Good reveal towards the end, didn't see it coming but character names and some distinguishable features would help. There is no real way to tell them apart.

Besides a few trims here and there you've got a good story.
 
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