Relentless

Very good first attempt.
I agree with the post, saying the VO gives it almost a mythological feel, I'd agree with that and it was interesting to hear others commenting as the story is told.

That first action block needs to be broken up (sometimes with a page limit it has to be compressed) white space is your friend and it'll make for a quicker easier read. Spell out your numbers as well. Try to keep your action block five lines at the most, its lot more inviting to read. Something like this.

It is the middle of the day and the saloon bar is full with
cowboys. The atmosphere is one of merryment and laughter.
drunken cowboys fall over tables and stools whilst burlesque
dancers walk elegantly from the saloon doors through to the
stage floor in preperation for there performance. ​

In the corner of the bar there is a small table of 5 cowboys. They all seem to be emotionally detached from the hussle and
bussle of the rest of the bar and are concentrating intently
on there poker game. ​

Four of the cowboys are men whom are all smoking cigars and drinking whiskey. ​

The fifth cowboy is a clean, young boy with no facial hair. He is clearly unexperienced and naive but he tries to keep up with the four other cowboys and act like a man. The YOUNG COWBOY clears his throat before uttering most nervously.​


That said, I thought you wrote the action well and it was very clear what was going on. I liked your descriptions as well, nice work.
I like the young cowboy character as well.

You have a nice story here and so far I'm alone on the ending, because I was fine with it being open ended as far as to what happens afterward, but that you leave it a question.

I do like the sentiment of seeing Sam again in the here and now. Maybe the last scene is him standing outside the Sheriffs house and then fade out, giving us a hint , but leaving us to wonder as well.

Nice work, a lot of potential here. My best advice is write, write, write. :thumbsup:
 
Hi Natasha! I'm new at this too, so take all the wonderful advice from the 'wise ones' and just let me say that I really enjoyed your script. Yes, it could have done with another page maybe and a sharper ending... and a wee spell-check... he-he...
But what you do have is an engaging writing style, and as a young person (I'm nearly 60... sucks!) time on your side to grow in your craft. Well done Hen! (Hen, is Scottish vernacular - an endearing term for a young woman)
 
Boo what a bad boyfriend - not reading your script - you need to get him housetrained. There are many ways for a girl to do this *ahem* but one of the easiest is to kidnap hid Die Hard Trilogy DVD box set (just hide it in the fridge with the vegetables) or in a large bowl of fruit (men will never look in there!) That way you can make him read it! Trust me it'll work ;)

However I have read your script without any such coercion.

Conlan makes a great and very interesting point - that the Voice Over does lend a mythological feel to the story - and this helps to lend it a more epic quality. However the informality and jocular nature of the characters also gives this piece a warmer slightly (very slightly) good humoured feel. That is not to say comedic (overtly) but slightly very slightly!!

This all works - and the twist does too. It leaves us with interesting questions for what would happen next! I think areas that could be further developed would be our characters around the table - slight quirks and traits to seperate (cowboy 1 from cowboy 3) etc.

It would be good too if the young cowboy could learn something from this story that makes its telling relevant to him.

So for example say the setup was young cowboy being anxious or stupid about something, but by learning this story (and from Sam's circumstances) he can learn something to let him fix the problem in own life etc. (Oh how terribly worded that was) but that might give a bigger sense of closure. As we are left looking for the end (thinking so whta happens next for Sam) fine for an episode hehe but such additions could help it get completion.

The dialogue was chirpy and the atmosphere good, i think this is a fine debut script that you can be proud of and is certainly better than mine ever was!
 
Good vision, compelling story, need more action.

I liked reading the fable-Western. The set-up made me want to know who “one shot” is. Classic western name—all the names are fantastic. I was quickly drawn into the story, and I wanted to know what was going to happen next.

Because there is no interaction between One-Shot and the guys talking about him, I’m unsure about the decision to have them have such a big part and as much screen time. I’d like them as bookends, not the main voice over thread. They don’t have names, which is a good choice, but I’m having difficult visually seeing this as a film. A lot of it is the guys sitting around playing poker, a good framing device, but I do not think it should be the main visual focus. It’s reading to me more of a play than a movie. Adding to that point, the images were often not compelling enough—Penny by a window, men at a bar. It made the story feel flat when I tried to “watch” it.

I like where the characters go, but I don’t understand all their motivations. Why would Penny have an affair if she was with a madman? Usually madmen require more respect, and I mean their relationship was pretty legitimate. If she loved Humbledinck, why wouldn’t she do her best to protect him? I also want to see Humbledinck be more of an adversary than a coward. He’s rivals with One Shot—shares the woman, dies because of it. I wanted some foul and awesome exchange.
 
conlanforever said:
That first action block needs to be broken up (sometimes with a page limit it has to be compressed) white space is your friend and it'll make for a quicker easier read. Spell out your numbers as well. Try to keep your action block five lines at the most, its lot more inviting to read.
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Thanks Conlan, Yeah I agree. I have to thank you for your advice and help not only on here but also with the voice over. You were very kind :dankk2:

NJPage said:
Well done Hen! (Hen, is Scottish vernacular - an endearing term for a young woman)
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:crybaby:eek:h ok :huh: I will take your word for that lol. Just kidding. What is a Scottish vernacular for a man. (I hope I said that right lol) :)

lawriejaffa said:
Boo what a bad boyfriend - not reading your script - you need to get him housetrained. There are many ways for a girl to do this *ahem* but one of the easiest is to kidnap hid Die Hard Trilogy DVD box set (just hide it in the fridge with the vegetables) or in a large bowl of fruit (men will never look in there!) That way you can make him read it! Trust me it'll work ;)
Click to expand...

:thumbup: Excellent. I will have to try that. I mean he did the whole 'Oh go on then... I better read it...' lol but so far nothing has materialised. lol.

lawriejaffa said:
It would be good too if the young cowboy could learn something from this story that makes its telling relevant to him.
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Yes, I like this idea alot. Like it has a moral undertone that the young cowboys picks up on. :dankk2:
xxrotinivol2 said:
I like where the characters go, but I don’t understand all their motivations. Why would Penny have an affair if she was with a madman? Usually madmen require more respect, and I mean their relationship was pretty legitimate.
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Yes, I agree. This is something I would have worked on more to develop. But indeed something I will be considering for the final piece. :beer:

Thanks for all your comments so far. Keep them coming. This is like a free Script Writing School :D
 
Hi Natasha, I have just read your script, thanks for the read.

This was a good script with a good story. I liked the settling, with the three older cowboys telling a legend to the younger cowboy who has heard a name in a overheard conversation. You created a very good legend with a nice twist to the legend.
My problems with this, at first I thought I hadn't printed it all out as it just ended with no indication it had ended, and it ends so abruptly. It is great that you have made is want more, but as intelligent people we need more and you had the pages to do it!
It also would have been nice to get to know our story tellers, find out who is retelling the legend, even a name...

Overall, a good script, but could have been much more complete. Well done though.
 
DarkElastic said:
My problems with this, at first I thought I hadn't printed it all out as it just ended with no indication it had ended, and it ends so abruptly. It is great that you have made is want more, but as intelligent people we need more and you had the pages to do it!
It also would have been nice to get to know our story tellers, find out who is retelling the legend, even a name...
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Hi thanks for the comments DarkElastic,

I think that I am coming way to addicted to this website now lol.

However, i understand your problems with it and I think that the reason I left our parts is just simply due to my naivety in this area. I haven't ever written a script before so this was my first attempt. I am however, going to sit down tonight and adjust it so that I can have a completed script that I can be proud of. I am so glad that you enjoyed reading my script. It was something I worked hard on but I think I thought to much on what was going to happen and didn't write it clear enough for the reader.

Thanks for your comment :D

:dankk2:
 
It's all about becoming better at it and the only way to do it is to keep writing... So keep writing Natasha.
 
I've adjusted the script and I think that it is much better. If anyone wants to have a look at the final version then please PM me and I will send you a copy. I hope that you all like it.
 
Typical, I let my other half read my entry and he takes the piss out of it.

Kept making jokes about it. Me and Him kept laughing for about 30 - 45 mins.. Was sooooooooooooooo funny!
 
I simply cannot believe how many folks from the UK have written westerns.

I see this is your first script and you've done quite a job for a first script.

Now, on to the script. When it opened I could hear the difference between British English and American English in your writing...words like "whilst" instead of "while" and a couple other phrasings. It either disappear by the second page or I had gotten into your story enough to no longer notice.

Just from a technical standpoint, it's not really required to put a CUT TO between scenes, as nowadays it's pretty well understood that you're cutting from one scene to another. I'd only use it to emphasize the cut. I thought you over did the fade to black a little, too. I think if I was going to use it in this story I'd have limited it to the transitions to and from the bar scene and "story" scene. Also, let your parentheticals stand apart from your dialogue.

SAM
(Angry and hurt)Who done this?

PENNY ROAD
(sobbing)I..I.. (sobbing
harder)

SAM
(Shouting) WHO DONE THIS?
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would be better as:
SAM
(angry and hurt)
Who done this?

PENNY ROAD
(sobbing)
I...I...
(sobbing harder)

SAM
(shouting)
WHO DONE THIS?
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Also be careful with "here" and "hear" AND "there" and "their"

I thought the story telling dialogue was wordy and could use some tightening up.

The ending on this really felt rushed. So much information divulged (through dialogue, I might add) at the end and then it just stopped.

You did well considering this was your first script. I don't think I'd want anyone to see my first. Keep at it and continue to learn and grow.
 
Why wouldn't your boyfriend read your work... thats not very nice. You should teach him a lesson or two.:nads:

Break up your action blocks instead of having really lengthy paragraphs. Tighten it up and trim it in order to help with the flow.
YOUNG COWBOY
One shot SAM
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I was in the SHERIFF’s office the other day and I heard them talking about it.
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You don't need to capitalize character names in dialogue, only when they're described in action blocks, ie: physically present in the scene. Then after the first time it doesn't need to be capitalized again.

Would have liked more, there is a lot of exposition at the end that could benefit from some more visual storytelling and I would have liked to see Sam in the "present" of the story especially because of how abruptly the end comes. It needs something more.

Good job for your first time. Keep at it, practice and rewrites are key, and you'll keep improving. :beer:
 
MrKilloran Thank you so much for all your advice there. It has been very valuable. I have re-written my script with all the advice I have received from everyone and I would really appreciate it if someone would read my revised script and let me know there thoughts. If any one would be kind enough to read it for me and provide more feedback please PM me.

Kind Regards

LadyNatasha87
 
What great names! One Shot Sam, Penny Road, Deputy Humbledinck. These were very imaginative and grabbed my attention right away. I think you have a great twist in there at the end when we find out that Sam killed the wrong guy and left his family for nothing. I also enjoyed your dialogue and pacing. The only suggestion I might have is maybe not needing quite as many Cowboys to tell the story. You might be able to do it with just two and somehow twist the story again by working one of them into the tale. Just some thoughts but it was a great story and fun to read. Thank you for sharing it!
 
lol and there was me worrying that it might distract from the story lol ;)

Thanks guys all your comments are brilliant.

Thanks :D
 
hey Natasha!

Aside from comments about tightening up the writing and technical stuff that everybody's covered - this was a really strong little story! And all that technical stuff is easy to learn but coming up with a good idea is the important thing so well done!
My only real criticism is that it ended too soon - it just sort of stopped and by this stage you'd really built momentum so I'd say go back and add another half a page even to tie it up. Although, as it is, it does feel like a real snippet of cowboy life - great job for a first script - especially in such a difficult genre (in my opinion). :)
Keep writing!!!
 
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