Pupil... Teacher... Patient... Lover...

seansshack

seansshack

Well-known member


A teacher experiences problems getting over a students suicide, but her real problems have only just begun...

Pupil... Teacher... Patient... Lover...

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DVXuser Script Fest VII
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Hi Sean, just read your script.

*Spoilers*

Very nice story. Loved the horror aspects and the hanuted African necklace.

You describe the Doctor twice.

A few spelling and gramatical errors, but they don't detract too much.

Overall, a great little horror script. You just need to go over it again and remove the little gramatical niggles. Well done.
 
Cheers and apologies for typo's. I was under pressure with free time as was dealing with "everything" - work, kids the lot , as my wife was in an accident. So been writing through very tired eyes of late and the attention levels have been a bit lacking. ;-(

Thanks for the read, I wanted it be be a who done it, with plenty of layers to the characters/plot.

Wouldn't mind "trying" to make this one myself.
 
Alright, here's my page by page nitpicky review. Do not take this personally. My review is designed to help. My review bears little influence on my scores. I mainly score for story and overall execution.

Pg 1
- I miss 'Fade In'
- Does this Flashback end?
- I don't think scenes should start with dialog, unless it's pitch blacbk, but then you could start with 'darkness'.
Pg 3
- Looks like one of your action blocks got cloned.
- That necklace conversation snuck in, hmmm, I wonder what that means? :)

This was a nice ghost story and a clear use of a Mcguffin. As you can see I didn't have much to say. It was a smooth, easy, and entertaining read.
 
Thanks Chris. God knows where that fade in went. Must have been during the cutting of scenes to get it down to 10 pages.

Thanks for the read and review.
 
Very cool read. I was a little confused about the shower curtain hanging and the broken fingernails looking like a suicide, but I guess that's the anthropologist in me nit-picking. Over-all, very fun read. Love the MacGuffin.
 
The broken nails where the obvious clue to police/doctor that it wasn't a suicide as she loved her perfect nails - the doctor should have picked up on this but was too concerned with his own business.

Thanks for the read.
 
seansshack said:
The broken nails where the obvious clue to police/doctor that it wasn't a suicide as she loved her perfect nails - the doctor should have picked up on this but was too concerned with his own business.

Thanks for the read.
Click to expand...


Yeah, I was screaming 'What kind of cop are you? How can you miss those clues?' Maybe toning them down would make it clear to the audience, but not so clear we think everyone is missing it (well except for the doctor).
 
Well the cop wouldn't find that too obvious, but the doctor would remember her obsessing about them.

And perhaps, if you think, the real MacGuffin was her nails, I mean the classic MacGuffin is the audience screaming "it's right there, can't you see it".

With is seeing it and not the cop is cool + we have seen her, much like the doctor obsessing over them.

So a double MacGuffin for me lol!
 
Why is Slim upper lower? End your FLASHBACKS. Use the proper standard spec format if you plan to peddle them. BEGIN FLASHBACK and END FLASHBACK. Watch for grammar and typos. Slugs get two spaces above them.

Goooood MacGuffin. I like the V.O. the FLASHBACKS but end the FB's. Spoooky story I loved it! =)
 
so, giving away the voodoo necklace thingy caused the people to commit suicide and haunt the person they gave the necklace to? or am i way off?

i thought the cop should have known it wasn't suicide too. still, good script overall.
 
It offers protection (of sorts) until you pass it on or it gets lost. then the gloves are off. So twisted protection. Figured that could be explained in a feature script. A once protecting necklace becomes cursed, you have it and you "see dead people", get rid of it in the hope it will get rid of the visions, then you are screwed. The new owner gets haunted by the last and so on.

No idea how the double spaces above slugs were missed. Have to verify, as written in final draft.

Thanks for the read/review.
 
I loved it, I think that kid in Sixth Sense must of had on of these necklaces. Really good creepy tale. Well done.
 
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