Platinum Phantom # 1
- Thread starter DarrenJSeeley
- Start date
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Cool! Sounds like one of those radio plays.
Anthony Todaro
Well-known member
Wow... that's an insanely cool premise. So why do they keep making old TV show movies when ideas like that exist...
dtroop506
Active member
Darren,
I like the chaacter of the Platinum Phantom. I just wished there was more of him in your script.
The plot was a little confusing. Joe is Psychobrain...but is Psychobrain a villian or a sidekick wannabe?
The business about switrching dimensions and the mannequins started out strong, but seemed to fizzle.
I dunno. Maybe I wanted Platinum Phantom in a showdown with Psychobrain with PP bringing PB to justice...like in the comics.
I like the chaacter of the Platinum Phantom. I just wished there was more of him in your script.
The plot was a little confusing. Joe is Psychobrain...but is Psychobrain a villian or a sidekick wannabe?
The business about switrching dimensions and the mannequins started out strong, but seemed to fizzle.
I dunno. Maybe I wanted Platinum Phantom in a showdown with Psychobrain with PP bringing PB to justice...like in the comics.
DarrenJSeeley
Active member
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
This was a good conversation, could be easily filmed if you had a lot of dummies, but is there enough visual impact to make it worthwhile? I'm wondering if I understood it. I got from Joe's conversation that Joe is the bad guy and Platinum figured that out, so why would he take him on as a Sidekick?
Notes:
- You jump to the faces of the mannequin children after describing an audience of real kids. Give us some warning that something has changed.
Notes:
- You jump to the faces of the mannequin children after describing an audience of real kids. Give us some warning that something has changed.
Rustom Irani
Active member
The opening scene is a bit fragmented and you could smooth out the descriptions to get to your punchline about them having turned into mannequins. By just saying “faces of the mannequin children watch…” I felt these were other characters and what’s a mannequin kid? Instead you should add this description to after he jolts up.
The plot is original and reminds me a bit of the video-game “Viewtiful Joe” without all the action.
Which essentially brings me to the issue I have with your tale. It reads like a long set-up, Joe looks up from his comic, realises these new changes, Plat shows up, explains what’s happening and in a final twist Joe reveals that he’s been doing these things as a means to take over the comic dimension perhaps and turn into a super-villain of sorts.
But they just talk about it! At times a bit too grown-up to disconnect with really young kids.
I want to see what Plat might do to stop him, some back-story about the comic book’s powers, how much of a victim (Like most comic book villains) was Joe?
Frankly, you’ve got the first six pages of a feature here and I’d rather see you expand this than try and keep this to a short, which can be done, but wouldn’t be as much fun.
Good job!
The plot is original and reminds me a bit of the video-game “Viewtiful Joe” without all the action.
Which essentially brings me to the issue I have with your tale. It reads like a long set-up, Joe looks up from his comic, realises these new changes, Plat shows up, explains what’s happening and in a final twist Joe reveals that he’s been doing these things as a means to take over the comic dimension perhaps and turn into a super-villain of sorts.
But they just talk about it! At times a bit too grown-up to disconnect with really young kids.
I want to see what Plat might do to stop him, some back-story about the comic book’s powers, how much of a victim (Like most comic book villains) was Joe?
Frankly, you’ve got the first six pages of a feature here and I’d rather see you expand this than try and keep this to a short, which can be done, but wouldn’t be as much fun.
Good job!
Sarah Daly
Well-known member
Smart making all the other kids mannequins so that you're left with just the two characters! I like how surreal this is - reminds me of kids TV shows in the 90s when they were a lot odder. BUT it could do with making a bit more sense at the end I think. I think if you just cut the sidekick thing then it's a lot more plausible and easier to follow.
Also yes, the transition to mannequin-hood could be signposted a little better - but I got what you meant after a second reading. It would be easier if you could show the real kids at the start of course so I understand the difficulty.
Overall, good fun and I like the vibe but yep could be smoothed out a little -it got a bit complicated and existential after the root beer
Also yes, the transition to mannequin-hood could be signposted a little better - but I got what you meant after a second reading. It would be easier if you could show the real kids at the start of course so I understand the difficulty.
Overall, good fun and I like the vibe but yep could be smoothed out a little -it got a bit complicated and existential after the root beer