Joke Thread. Clean Jokes Only Please

BobDiaz

BobDiaz

The Professor
A huge group of terrorists are camped out in the desert. From over a huge sand dune they hear "one Marine is better than 10 terrorists" the leader of the terrorists laughs and sends 10 of his men over the dune. He hears 10 gun shots and then silence ... then he hears "one Marine is better than 100 terrorists" this makes the terrorist leader send 100 of his men over the sand dune and he hears 100 gunshots and then silence, again the silence is broken with the voice yelling "one Marine is better than 1000 terrorists" ... this pisses off the leader and he sends a thousand of his best men over the dune, again he hears gun shots and then silence but this time one of his men crawls back over the dune and seconds before he dies he sez ... "Don't send any more men, it's a trap, there are 2 of them!!!"
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Feel free to add other clean jokes....

Bob Diaz
 
Anhar Miah said:
I'm sorry that joke was not very funny to me, I guess satire is relative much like terrorism.
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Yeah, I think that joke cuts too close to reality to be funny. Now if you replace Marine with Chuck Norris, then it would be funny.
 
A waffle walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, sir. We don't serve breakfast here."
 
A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I lost an electron today." The bartender asks, "Are you sure?" The atom replies, "I'm positive."
 
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
 
British Jokes I guess.

There's an Irish man, Scottish man, Welsh man and an English man all aboard a Boeing 727. Suddenly at 20,000ft the pilot turns round to the men and yells that there loosing fuel and need to dump weight to make it to land.

The Irish man says:
I'll do this for my country.

As he leaps out of the plane.

The Scottish man says:
I'll do this for my country.

As he leaps out of the plane.

The Welsh man says:
I'll do this for my country.

And kicks the Englishman out of the plane.
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Paddy Terry and Frank all go to the Olympics, however at the gates they get stopped.

'Hold on, what are you entering?' said the Security Man

They all looked at each other puzzled.

'You can't go in unless your in a event.'

With that they all go off and decide on what there going to do. Later that afternoon. Frank comes back with a manhole cover.

I'm Paddy Petit for France, and I'm entering Discus.

Later that afternoon, Terry comes back with a lampost.

I'm Terry O'Donnald for Norway, and I'm entering the Long Jump.

Later that afternoon, Frank comes back with a wooden beams.

I'm Frank Gallagher for the United Kingdom, and I'm entering Fencing.
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Have you heard about Liverpools new Football Player?

'No?'

He'll fit in well around Liverpool, you'd like him. Japanese lad called 'Nik-e-moto' (nick a motor).
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whats the difference between a cinematographer and god ?

god doesnt think he's a cinematographer

how long does it take a cinematographer to smoke a cigarette ?

same time as everybody else but it takes him 2 hours to light it

darty
 
from an email I recieved...

Yo sister's so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.

Yo sister's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo sister's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo sister's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.

Yo sister's so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection looks back shaking it's head.

Yo sister's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory.

Yo sister's so ugly, she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks.

Yo sister's so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and they put it out with a fork.

Yo sister's so ugly, it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries.

Yo sister's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

Yo sister's so ugly, her shadow quit.

Yo sister's so ugly, she looks like she got hit with a bag of "What the poo poo?!?!"

Yo sister's so ugly, when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains.

Yo sister's so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application.

Yo sister's so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.

Yo sister's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.

Yo sister's so ugly, when I took her to a haunted house she came out with a paycheck.

Yo sister's so ugly, she makes onions cry.

Yo sister's so ugly, when she was born, they named her "Damn!"

Yo sister's so ugly, even Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her.

Yo sister's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo sister's so ugly, she was a guard for Castle Greyskull.

Yo sister’s so ugly, that if ugly were a crime, she’d get the electric chair.

Yo sister's so ugly, she scared the stitches off Frankenstein.

Yo sister's so ugly,she didn't need a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo sister's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

Yo sister's so ugly, they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty.

Yo sister's so ugly, when she passes by a bathroom the toilet flushes.

Yo sister's so ugly, when she was lying on the beach, the cat tried to bury her.

Yo sister's so ugly, if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away.

Yo sister's so ugly, when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming.

Yo sister's so ugly, when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows.

Yo sister's so ugly, when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said "Twins."

Yo sisters's so ugly, she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares.

Yo sister was such an ugly baby, her parents had to feed her with a slingshot.

Yo sister is so ugly, when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it.
 
A native american can't sleep. So he gets himself a glass of iced tea. He's still thirsty so he drinks another glass of tea. Still can't sleep. Still thirsty. So he drinks a whole pitcher of tea. He's still thirsty and still can't sleep so he drinks an entire barrel of tea and the next morning they find him dead in his tea pee.
 
Man goes to the garage to get a flat tire fixed.

"How'd that happen?"

"Ran over a milk bottle."

"Didn't see it, huh?"

Nah, the kid had it under his coat."
 
Two drunk guys in a bar. The drunker man says to the other, "I bet you ten bucks I can jump off the top of this building and float back up to the top."

"No way, you can't do that. I'll take that bet."

They go up to the roof. The drunker man jumps off and sure enough he floats right back up to the top.

"You didn't just do that. Do it again."

Again he jumps off and floats right back up to the top.

"I can't believe it. I gotta try it."

The second man jumps off and plummets to his death.

Later, the drunker man, who is still alive, is back in the bar drinking. The bartender says to him, "Superman, that was mean."
 
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