Joke Thread. Clean Jokes Only Please
- Thread starter BobDiaz
- Start date
ian dart
Well-known member
whats the difference between a flare and a hilight ?
about $2000.00 a day
whats the difference between a cinematographer and god ?
god is sometimes wrong
how many grips does it take to change a lightglobe ?
two..........one to hold the ladder and one to hammer it in
come on guys i am using my best material.................
hey themacb do you mind if i add the lightning joke to my act ?
darty
about $2000.00 a day
whats the difference between a cinematographer and god ?
god is sometimes wrong
how many grips does it take to change a lightglobe ?
two..........one to hold the ladder and one to hammer it in
come on guys i am using my best material.................
hey themacb do you mind if i add the lightning joke to my act ?
darty
hoarp001
Veteran
Found these online:
Q: How many junior designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb
A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
Q: How many Hot **** Creative Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than Hot **** Creative Directors.
(variation)
Q: How many Copy Writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!
On the commercial set:
Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's electric's job
Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one more, guys, I promise.
Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.
Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything.
Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.
Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
Q: How many UPM's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!"
Q: How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it's an 8 hour minimum.
Q: How many junior designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb
A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
Q: How many Hot **** Creative Directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than Hot **** Creative Directors.
(variation)
Q: How many Copy Writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!
On the commercial set:
Q: How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's electric's job
Q: How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one more, guys, I promise.
Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.
Q: How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything.
Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
Q: How many Camera Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: One to do it and four to tell you how they did it on the last job.
Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
Q: How many UPM's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!"
Q: How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it's an 8 hour minimum.
Jon Starr
Veteran
Okay, warning, dumb blond joke ahead!
Three women, a red head, a brunette, and a blond, are stuck on a deserted island a few miles off shore.
With no rescue in sight, the redhead decides to swim to the shore, but isn't a strong enough swimmer and drowns after only 1/4 of the way.
Then the brunette decides to swim and makes it about 1/2 the way but drowns.
The blond decides to give it a shot and makes it 3/4 of the way, gets tired, and swims back.
Three women, a red head, a brunette, and a blond, are stuck on a deserted island a few miles off shore.
With no rescue in sight, the redhead decides to swim to the shore, but isn't a strong enough swimmer and drowns after only 1/4 of the way.
Then the brunette decides to swim and makes it about 1/2 the way but drowns.
The blond decides to give it a shot and makes it 3/4 of the way, gets tired, and swims back.
ConspiracyPenguin
Nosey Penguin
Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why do you only have two legs?"
Oh, whoops! I meant...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
Oh, whoops! I meant...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
Gord.T
Still "Senior Member"
Before I tell these, I expect someone to get offended. Such is the political nature of these jokes. It's humour but I can see it being offensive to some, so if they're pulled, I'm cool.
======
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
=============
(I lost the original text joke to this one so I'll have to try and retell it.)
Scene:Iraq desert.
Some Iraqi soldiers hear an American yelling over the other side of a
hill, "One American can take 1000 iraqies." so they send a soldier out.
They hear a gunshot and from the other side they hear..."One American can take 1000 iraqs."
So they send out 100 soldiers. They hear a moderate firefight then from over the
hill they hear "One American can take 1000 iraqies."
Incenced, they send out a thousand soldiers. They here a major firefight and...
one iraqi climbs back up over the hill top and yells..."stop...it's a trap....there's two of
them."
lol, hopefull I'll just get a 'light' ban for those ones.
======
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
=============
(I lost the original text joke to this one so I'll have to try and retell it.)
Scene:Iraq desert.
Some Iraqi soldiers hear an American yelling over the other side of a
hill, "One American can take 1000 iraqies." so they send a soldier out.
They hear a gunshot and from the other side they hear..."One American can take 1000 iraqs."
So they send out 100 soldiers. They hear a moderate firefight then from over the
hill they hear "One American can take 1000 iraqies."
Incenced, they send out a thousand soldiers. They here a major firefight and...
one iraqi climbs back up over the hill top and yells..."stop...it's a trap....there's two of
them."
lol, hopefull I'll just get a 'light' ban for those ones.
Last edited:
Ryan Patrick O'Hara
Veteran
Raptor, your last joke was the first joke of this thread.
haha, NOOB.:beer:
Gord.T
Still "Senior Member"
Raptor, your last joke was the first joke of this thread.
Well, I try. lol.
Richard J. Johnson
Joystick Member
What's the difference between a whore house and a circus? One displays a cunning array of stunts.
Think about it. It will come to you.
Think about it. It will come to you.
ConspiracyPenguin
Nosey Penguin
Oh my God! Oh my God! That was NOT clean! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! My virgin ears (err...eyes). :shocked:
What's sad is I didn't even have to think about it that much. I thought "They both do..." then I recognized the rhyme and figured I had made a joke. Then I realized that WAS the joke. :grin:
Thread resurrection. Its almost X-mas, good time for a laugh.
WWII, A brit, Aussie and Kiwi lost on the battlefield. They come across a farm and explain to the farmer who is happy to help, but says he only has two beds, so someone has to sleep in the barn. The Brits a tough bloke, and says "I dont mind roughing it, Ill sleep in the barn". The Aussie and Kiwi settle down inside their warm beds, but awhile later theres a knock on the door. It's the Brit who says, "I dont mind roughing it out in the barn but I refuse to sleep near the cow thats out there". The Aussie says, "Its OK mate, Im an Aussie, I dont mind roughing it". So off he goes, leaving the Kiwi and the Brit to snuggle down. Short time later a knock on the door, its the Aussie who says, "Dont mind roughing it in the barn, dont mind the cow, but I refuse to sleep near that pig thats out there". The Kiwi smuggly says, "Dont worry, nothing bothers me and I really can rough it. Ill sleep in the barn". SO of he goes, leaving the Aussie and the Brit to snuggle down once more.
Short time later, a knock on the door. The Brit and the Aussie answer, its the cow and the pig.
WWII, A brit, Aussie and Kiwi lost on the battlefield. They come across a farm and explain to the farmer who is happy to help, but says he only has two beds, so someone has to sleep in the barn. The Brits a tough bloke, and says "I dont mind roughing it, Ill sleep in the barn". The Aussie and Kiwi settle down inside their warm beds, but awhile later theres a knock on the door. It's the Brit who says, "I dont mind roughing it out in the barn but I refuse to sleep near the cow thats out there". The Aussie says, "Its OK mate, Im an Aussie, I dont mind roughing it". So off he goes, leaving the Kiwi and the Brit to snuggle down. Short time later a knock on the door, its the Aussie who says, "Dont mind roughing it in the barn, dont mind the cow, but I refuse to sleep near that pig thats out there". The Kiwi smuggly says, "Dont worry, nothing bothers me and I really can rough it. Ill sleep in the barn". SO of he goes, leaving the Aussie and the Brit to snuggle down once more.
Short time later, a knock on the door. The Brit and the Aussie answer, its the cow and the pig.
Beat Takeshi
Two-Hip Shakur
Lol!!!
Steve Laramie
Veteran
did you hear about the giant who threw up
it was all over town
it was all over town
Zander
Well-known member
A DP, AD, and Director find a magic lamp. They rub it and POOF! out pops a Genie. The Genie tells the group that he will grant them each one wish.
The Director steps forward and says he wants to be taken to a crazy part with tons of hot girls and all the cocaine his nose can handle. POOF! He disappears.
The DP steps forward and says he wants to be taken to a beautiful landscape with rolling hills, mountains, and perfect lighting 24/7. POOF! He vanishes too.
The AD steps forward and says "Ok, I'll them both back in two minutes."
The Director steps forward and says he wants to be taken to a crazy part with tons of hot girls and all the cocaine his nose can handle. POOF! He disappears.
The DP steps forward and says he wants to be taken to a beautiful landscape with rolling hills, mountains, and perfect lighting 24/7. POOF! He vanishes too.
The AD steps forward and says "Ok, I'll them both back in two minutes."
Robbie Comeau
Como's back. back again
Two blondes walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them would see it.
Robbie
You'd think one of them would see it.
Robbie
Anhar_Miah
Veteran
Two men in a bar/pub:
One is a Brit the other is French; the Brit is playing a game of Darts when the French man shouts
"I am zee greatest sportsmaan! "
and beats the Brit at Darts;
angered the Brit goes off to play a game of pool; the French man shouts again:
"I am zee greatest sportsmaan!"
and beats the Brit at pool
The Brit then turns and says:
"Have you played peanuts?"
The Frenchman says "noo, but I'm zee greatest sportsmann and vil beut you!"
so the Brit goes first:
He opens a packet of peanuts, throws one in the air,
drops his pants; then catches it in his butt cheeks.
The French man laughs and says its easy and proceeds:
He opens a packet of peanuts, throws one in the air,
drops his pants; JUST then the Brit has him....
One is a Brit the other is French; the Brit is playing a game of Darts when the French man shouts
"I am zee greatest sportsmaan! "
and beats the Brit at Darts;
angered the Brit goes off to play a game of pool; the French man shouts again:
"I am zee greatest sportsmaan!"
and beats the Brit at pool
The Brit then turns and says:
"Have you played peanuts?"
The Frenchman says "noo, but I'm zee greatest sportsmann and vil beut you!"
so the Brit goes first:
He opens a packet of peanuts, throws one in the air,
drops his pants; then catches it in his butt cheeks.
The French man laughs and says its easy and proceeds:
He opens a packet of peanuts, throws one in the air,
drops his pants; JUST then the Brit has him....