I stepped out of my comfort zone to film something different. Critique me?

Nicely done! Great twist ending, and I love that the music stayed the same throughout. A lesser film would have shifted the music to something more sinister.

My only complaint is that there was a poster of the movie Battlefield Earth in the background... ;)
 
Jaime Valles said:
Nicely done! Great twist ending, and I love that the music stayed the same throughout. A lesser film would have shifted the music to something more sinister.

My only complaint is that there was a poster of the movie Battlefield Earth in the background... ;)
Click to expand...

HAH!!! I laughed out loud at work because of you, lol :grin:

I have some mixed feelings about the beginning; I feel it's a bit long and unnecessary. The thing is, we had 38 hours to put this all together and edit it, so I was running on empty when doing the final touches. I'm glad you enjoyed it, though!
 
Hate the alarm sound! I used to have the same alarm, always woke up before the alarm to prevent hearing this horrible mindgrinding tones.
Enjoyed the rest.
 
pinapplegum said:
I have some mixed feelings about the beginning; I feel it's a bit long and unnecessary.
Click to expand...
I liked it! If you want to obsess over the open, you could trim maybe 3-5 frames from the feet, toothbrush and putting the shirt on shots.
Lighting-wise, you could have flagged light off the wall at :16 and off the ceiling at :22.
But it's fun and quirky (for a slasher flick) and has a great twist!

DLD said:
How come "pinapplegum" post count is zero?
Click to expand...
Probably because he just joined in May, and Cafe posts don't get counted... or because pinapplegum posts... don't stick.
 
groveChuck said:
I liked it! If you want to obsess over the open, you could trim maybe 3-5 frames from the feet, toothbrush and putting the shirt on shots.
Lighting-wise, you could have flagged light off the wall at :16 and off the ceiling at :22.
But it's fun and quirky (for a slasher flick) and has a great twist!

Probably because he just joined in May, and Cafe posts don't get counted... or because pinapplegum posts... don't stick.
Click to expand...

Oh wow, thanks! I didn't even think about light flagging; good spot!
And yeah, I just joined (also I'm female, but no worries).
I always always ALWAYS appreciate a terrible pun. Thanks for that early-morning snort, haha!
 
Good on ya for stepping up. Looking forward to more of your work - there's a whole section here at dvxuser that is dedicated to showcasing work. The most important next step if you want to go in that direction at all, is for you to make another short. That is much more key than whatever feedback you might get here on your first piece. On your next short, you can think more deeply about what you want your piece to show.

There is zero reason to hold back. What does that mean? It means give it your all. Don't hold back anything. Put your all into it. And now I ask you:

DID YOU PUT YOUR ALL INTO THIS?

You answer that question for yourself.

Aspire to the best. Your model of where you want your piece to end up is - the highest it can be. There is no reason to set your sights lower, unless you're just testing film equipment.

DID YOU ASPIRE TO THE VERY BEST?

You answer that question for yourself.

Here is an example of a barely 20 year old kid's short:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMZOgev1ErU&list=PLAqDCLWD9bNNz6gluJN583d_gbCXIjB4A

Yes, that kid's name is David Lynch. But... so what? What does that matter? What if his/her name was John/Jane Doe? It's just a person. Who made a short.

Are you not a person who made a short? Why expect any less of yourself? Why set your standards any lower? Why should you not:

ASPIRE TO THE VERY BEST.

Just because the kid's name is David Lynch, doesn't mean he can't improve. I'd tell him about his short: apart from all the accolades, my one criticism would be that it's about twice as long as it needs to be. The length of a piece (or a scene) should only be as long as the strength of the effect is.

Here is another Lynch short I particularly like. He was 27 years old. And he matured enormously. This is stellar work. Here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQ5RsowRIus&index=7&list=PLAqDCLWD9bNNz6gluJN583d_gbCXIjB4A


Think of what you feel when you watch this piece. What were your feelings? How rich and complicated is that world?

Now what do you feel and think when you watch your piece?

Should you expect any less of yourself? If yes - why? Because: Aspire To The Very Best.

Perhaps you might feel that your piece is a bit facile? I mean, yes, it's a twist, but... so what? Should the twist mean: that's all there is to see here folks! Why? Is a twist bad? No. But does that twist fill you up, or do you leave the table hungry? Was this twist filling enough, or was it in some ways too simplistic, empty calories? Twists can be the "only point", but then, they better be fat, interesting twists, that leave you satiated like after a big meal.

That's why you should immediately think about your next piece. Aspire to the best, think about the ultimate point of your short. Obviously, Lynch creates his world, and you will create your world. Those world may have nothing to do with each other, but both should be fascinating.

A few questions you can ask yourself about your story. Why do we need to be introduced to the protagonist as he's waking up? What does that add to the story? Remember, every second of your short should add something. What does that add to your story? Does it assist in the twist? Here is a reason to dislike it - my first instictive reaction to seeing a short start with someone waking up to an alarm is... student work. We've seen a billion trillion such beginnings. Does that mean you can't do it? Yes, you can BUT YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON. Did you have a good reason? Did it add anything to the story?

Shoes coming down the stairs. Same exact set of questions and concerns as above.

See a pattern?

You are creating a world. Make it an interesting one. Every scene should have something to it, aesthetics, if nothing else. Could you have served your purpose - he's preparing for his day, his next victim - in some way that's MORE interesting, LESS expected than what we have seen a billion trillion times? Perhaps there is some other way than bathroom routines to show this? Perhaps a more fresh and interesting way? I didn't post links the Lynch shorts to say - this is the world to imitate - but in order to show one thing: when you start watching a young guy Lynch short, YOUR ATTENTION IS IMMEDIATELY ARRESTED. It jumps out at you. Does your short jump out at you - a guy waking up, getting up, doing a bathroom routine? Is there a one single thing we have not seen here before? Can better be done? You are introducing us to a world. Make it a fascinating one we'd like to stick around to watch.

Purely technical note: that angle around 0:22 is very distracting - is there a reason why it's employed? Don't throw your audience out of your piece by odd technical choices, unless there's a very good reason for that choice.

All of this to say: what you do with your next piece will be the most crucial thing. I look forward to more of your work.
 
pinapplegum said:
I'm not sure, "DLD." Looking forward to any critiques you have for the video, though.
Click to expand...
I like the story line (though, perhaps, there should/ought to have been a shot of him washing the blood off the necklaces)

I thought the look was a bit too flat but that may be OK with the genre since what looks like a romcom - which are often flatter - turns into something with a lot less com. If so, the lighting for the "necklace in the cupboard" shot should have varied from the preceding and the final scenes a bit more because that's the punchline of the clip.

groveChuck said:
Probably because he just joined in May, and Cafe posts don't get counted... or because pinapplegum posts... don't stick.
Click to expand...
In my youth, pinapple gum - or most gums, for that matter - were deemed so valuable and their possession so cool/kewl, that the gum was stored and then reused into infinity. By then, pineapple, orange or any other discernible flavor was long gone.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top