Go West

thanks again :) i was hoping to take a more serious approach this time since my last script was more fun and lighthearted... still hope it's entertaining despite it's profundity... haha ;)
 
Character motivation is fantastic in this script. Conlan spoke to this earlier, but the setup of the piece and then reinforcing it with the abusive husband was a terrific turn.

Loved everything about it.
 
Hey, I enjoyed it alot!

I loved how you did the flashback with Caroline as a child with Ms. Lucy. At the beginning of the scene you set it up so we let our guard down only for it to turn 180 degrees to tragic violence.

My only nitpick with that part was this...

The sound of the rifle is followed by an infant’s cries.
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I ultimately got that it was the rifle firing but after reading once I had to go back and re-read this part thinking "Okay wait.. the sound of the rifle firing, falling to the ground, or what?" Maybe I'm just slow but I thought it would read easier if you included "The rifle discharges accidentally" or something to that effect.

Anyways, as they others have said, great motivation for the character. Good job!
 
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Hi Jamie, I really enjoyed this script.

You promised us a woman swinging a hatchet and we definately got that. I think your dialogue was fantastic, it really worked in this script. She was a typical religious nut really, with her past helping to mould her this way, and that is what moved me to not care for her as much as I would have like to. She was forcing her Mother's views on others in her distructiove and violent destruction of those wonderful houses that sell alcohol - as not all people who drink whiskey are bad (myself as one).
Your violence was well written, except the Ms Lucy death, which was mentioned. I also liked the full circle ending.
I am a bit unsure about the Saloon girl... was she really Caroline's daughter? What happened to her? Obviously this story would have benefitted from being a little longer to allow you to put these little bits in and complete the story.

Overall, a very well written piece with nice violence. Your main character is really well crafted, if a little nutty. Well done.
 
Hi Jamie,

Your's is the first script I have read so far :). I have to say that you have set the bar very high. Your writing and narrative is very advanced and as so is mezmorising to read.

I liked the Characters you created and your dialog is near flawless. The accents were written so well I could almost hear the dialog as I read your script.

The beginning scene with the bible and the hatchet was very powerful and I liked the small scene when she see's her husband in the kitchen.

I have to say I learnt a lot from reading your script and I hope that the others I read follow on from the high standards that you have set with your script.

Great :beer:
 
Even though it's been said a few times already, I thought some of the dialogue was really good. Especially in the beginning. I noticed there is quite some violent scripts around here but yours may be the darkest I've read so far.

It's probably more a matter of taste, but I think the script would have worked better if you'd have put in less scenes. After a while it felt a bit like; oh, there she goes again. Maybe mentioning her reputation, or stretching out certain scenes, (especially in the beginning, which I really liked) Caroline would have fascinated the reader more.
 
krestofre said:
Character motivation is fantastic in this script. Conlan spoke to this earlier, but the setup of the piece and then reinforcing it with the abusive husband was a terrific turn.

Loved everything about it.
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Thanks krestofre! glad you liked it :)

TimCollins said:
Hey, I enjoyed it alot!

I loved how you did the flashback with Caroline as a child with Ms. Lucy. At the beginning of the scene you set it up so we let our guard down only for it to turn 180 degrees to tragic violence.

My only nitpick with that part was this...

I ultimately got that it was the rifle firing but after reading once I had to go back and re-read this part thinking "Okay wait.. the sound of the rifle firing, falling to the ground, or what?" Maybe I'm just slow but I thought it would read easier if you included "The rifle discharges accidentally" or something to that effect.

Anyways, as they others have said, great motivation for the character. Good job!
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i agree with your nitpick. i could have made that more clear. i keep forgetting that scripts are different than short stories and that anything that isn't clear will disrupt the visualization for the reader. i am glad you enjoyed! :)

DarkElastic said:
Hi Jamie, I really enjoyed this script.

You promised us a woman swinging a hatchet and we definately got that. I think your dialogue was fantastic, it really worked in this script. She was a typical religious nut really, with her past helping to mould her this way, and that is what moved me to not care for her as much as I would have like to. She was forcing her Mother's views on others in her distructiove and violent destruction of those wonderful houses that sell alcohol - as not all people who drink whiskey are bad (myself as one).
Your violence was well written, except the Ms Lucy death, which was mentioned. I also liked the full circle ending.
I am a bit unsure about the Saloon girl... was she really Caroline's daughter? What happened to her? Obviously this story would have benefitted from being a little longer to allow you to put these little bits in and complete the story.

Overall, a very well written piece with nice violence. Your main character is really well crafted, if a little nutty. Well done.
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i'm a sangria or margarita drinker, myself ;) she definitely had some extremist and mental issues going on. she wasn't necessarily a likable character... i was never trying to push the anti-drinking agenda; my story was based on the life of carry nation, who used to go around destroying saloons. she helped to start the prohibition movement... thank god that's over! haha :beer:

LadyNatasha87 said:
Hi Jamie,

Your's is the first script I have read so far :). I have to say that you have set the bar very high. Your writing and narrative is very advanced and as so is mezmorising to read.

I liked the Characters you created and your dialog is near flawless. The accents were written so well I could almost hear the dialog as I read your script.

The beginning scene with the bible and the hatchet was very powerful and I liked the small scene when she see's her husband in the kitchen.

I have to say I learnt a lot from reading your script and I hope that the others I read follow on from the high standards that you have set with your script.

Great :beer:
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thank you! i appreciate the kind words! i loved your writing style, so, to hear that from you means something. :)

Frank Witkam said:
Even though it's been said a few times already, I thought some of the dialogue was really good. Especially in the beginning. I noticed there is quite some violent scripts around here but yours may be the darkest I've read so far.

It's probably more a matter of taste, but I think the script would have worked better if you'd have put in less scenes. After a while it felt a bit like; oh, there she goes again. Maybe mentioning her reputation, or stretching out certain scenes, (especially in the beginning, which I really liked) Caroline would have fascinated the reader more.
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i appreciate your feedback. originally, i only had one bar smashing scene... but i wanted to show that she did this repeatedly because carry nation, who the story is based on, went around and did this for real. to show her only smashing up one bar almost seems like it could have been an isolated incident. idk. i found it fascinating that someone would claim visions from god told her to destroy saloons with a hatchet. not necessarily someone we can relate to, or someone we even like, but still interesting... to me anyway.

as for it being the darkest you read...cool. but have you read lawriejaffa's? his violence outdid mine... i'm a little sad about that ;) but seriously, his was really good. i was impressed.

thanks for reading.
:dankk2:

jamie
 
good character. i guess my main problem with it is what sets her off on her rampage? we know her initial craziness comes from her abusive father, but then she goes on to marry some other abusive guy. we don't know how long they've been together, or married, but apparently she's been a more or less normal person for a while, because she hasn't murdered her husband yet. what is it that specifically sets her off and makes her kill her husband? if it's a specific act of abuse i think we should see it. they way it is now he just comments on the fact that he beats her and it seems like an everyday thing, so what is so important about this specific day that she goes all crazy and kills him?

so did caroline's dad kill ms. lucy? or did caroline? i get that the dad accidentally fired the rifle, but is a rifle really enough to blow off her entire head? that confused me.

religious villains are always great, and in this one the villain is actually our hero. since it seems like it was her mom that sort of brainwashed her into becoming all religious, i think it might have been cool if you'd developed they're relationship more. it'd be interesting to compare the way her father and husband physically abused her to the way her mother mentally abused her by putting all these insane beliefs in her head, and the combination of the two is what ultimately makes her into such a monster.

cool character. she's based on a real person?
 
REHov520 said:
good character. i guess my main problem with it is what sets her off on her rampage? we know her initial craziness comes from her abusive father, but then she goes on to marry some other abusive guy. we don't know how long they've been together, or married, but apparently she's been a more or less normal person for a while, because she hasn't murdered her husband yet. what is it that specifically sets her off and makes her kill her husband? if it's a specific act of abuse i think we should see it. they way it is now he just comments on the fact that he beats her and it seems like an everyday thing, so what is so important about this specific day that she goes all crazy and kills him?

so did caroline's dad kill ms. lucy? or did caroline? i get that the dad accidentally fired the rifle, but is a rifle really enough to blow off her entire head? that confused me.

religious villains are always great, and in this one the villain is actually our hero. since it seems like it was her mom that sort of brainwashed her into becoming all religious, i think it might have been cool if you'd developed they're relationship more. it'd be interesting to compare the way her father and husband physically abused her to the way her mother mentally abused her by putting all these insane beliefs in her head, and the combination of the two is what ultimately makes her into such a monster.

cool character. she's based on a real person?
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thanks for taking the time to read. i appreciate it.

when she hits her father with the hatchet as a child, i think it is a clue to her own violent nature. the abusive relationship, combined with her mother's extreme views, what she witnessed from her own drunk father, being sent away to a christian school, possibly the teachings at the christian school, and a supposed vision from god are all the motivating factors that led up to her decision to "go west" and smash up saloons with a hatchet... the fact that she had kept the hatchet all of these years, and that she kept it in a box with her bible also says something to her state of mind...

i feel an extra scene with her husband might have been effective, but it might also have detracted from the main point of the story... which is the outcome of all of these influential experiences, with her "hatchetations" and her ultimate demise... i kind of wanted to skim through the background information. her black eye and split lip, as well as his statement about giving her a "whoopin'" were intended to give a clear picture of their relationship and the abuse she experienced from her drunk husband...

not sure if that explanation clears up anything or not. i know everyone sees different things. i can't tell if you liked it or not, but i hope you did! ;)

...yes, she was based on carry nation, though i took many artistic liberties of course :)

thanks again for reading!

jamie
 
Jamiejay - totally enjoyed reading your script. Religious fanaticism always makes an interesting topic. The beginning of your script really drew me in. I, too, liked the full circle ending. My new favorite word is hatchetation. I also thought her conversation in the church was funny. :thumbsup:
 
A lot of great things in this script. Very cleanly written.

You did a good job writing Ms. Lucy's dialogue. Writing that sort of dialogue would scare the hell out of me.

The story is very unique and interesting. Caroline is a deep character.

I think I'm the only one who liked the way you wrote Ms. Lucy's death. Worked for me. But I guess majority rules.

I have to agree with REHov520 that her motivation seems unclear. I tie this to the fact that I have a hard time believing she would marry an alcoholic.

What if you were able to show that when she married her husband, he didn't drink (or she didn't know he drank)? And just recently, he has started to drink. I think that would make more sense and motivate her more.

The scene in the church is great.

The end is nice. Like how you don't give us a black and white ending (actually, I guess technically you do. Bad joke.)

I really liked the script! I think it would benefit from being expanded some, there's so much story we don't get to see.
 
thanks jason! i appreciate the feedback :)

i was actually going to show how she meets her husband, but the background scenes were starting to drag on... you are so right, he wasn't an alcoholic when she married him. even a short line within their conversation about this might have helped to clear that up. you think?

expanding it would be nice... i have a totally different idea to fix the delayed bleeding at the end. maybe she shouldn't get shot at that first saloon scene... instead, it could be somewhere in between the two "hatchetations"... ? i'm glad you liked it enough to think it deserved expanding... haha... i got a really late start and had to write this in the last two nights, so i know it isn't as good as it could have been.

ohh... i get it :p ;)

thank you for taking the time to read and review my script. i so wish you had entered this time because yours scripts are always very action filled and visual, which i love.... but i understand that you would need a break...lol.

congratulations again on your loss fest film and hope to see you next script fest! :beer:

jamie
 
I definitely think a line in the conversation would help. I'm glad we were of the same mind of him not originally being an alcoholic. I think you could even add a scene where she grills her husband to be as he's courting her, making sure he has good Christian morals, and confirming over and over that he doesn't drink.

I wouldn't mind seeing a scene of her at school either. Maybe hearing a lecture on not being violent, OR the opposite, hearing about the crusades or Joan of Arc.
 
Hullo... hullo! Yip the dark theme worked for me and your dialogue was so convincing. My favourite part of the script however was at the start and the dial. between Ms Lucy and young Caroline.
On p. 2 though (and I read this in an earlier feedback too) it was a bit confusing as to who killed Ms Lucy. On 1st read through, I'd reasoned that Caro. lobbed of Ms Lucy's head 'cos she was jealous of the baby (what a duffer...eh?). On 2nd read, the penny dropped and I got it was the Father (accidentally).
That then posed the problem of what triggered Caro's psychosis off n the present day.
Maybe...hehe the jealosy thing / lobbing Ms Lucy's head with the hatchet could offer a new twist... Mmm... perhaps not...
Anyway, it was an odd tale that entertained. Well done!
 
Toldja' this'd be the first one I'd read.

Your opening description has powerful images, which is an excellent thing, but you don't need to mention "woman" in description. Caroline would suffice.

I like the play on structure you've got going here with the flashbacks helping character development.

But in some areas the pacing doesn't quite work because of this and events happen too soon in the time frame of the story.

For example, after the First Saloon rampage, and before the next one, you chose a scene in the Church, this didn't work to show the passage of time suffciently especially if she was carrying a gunshot wound from her previous deed. Also, there'd be blood in the Church and Caroline wouldn't wanna desecrete it, would she?

The dialog's were quite well done and are your forte. Love the use of Saloon girls as interactions for Caroline rather than male figures.

For me the flshback sequence can be limited to the earlier one and you could end up the story in a blazing fireball of destruction and light.

This ending ain't bad, but it needs something prophetic to end on.

The over-the-top nature of her rampages without really being violently opposed as she does her thing in the Saloon's seems too much, but I liked it. This is essentially character driven and more frail the character the more implausible it seems, which in turn piques an audience's interest.

Good job. Great title.
 
NJPage said:
Hullo... hullo! Yip the dark theme worked for me and your dialogue was so convincing. My favourite part of the script however was at the start and the dial. between Ms Lucy and young Caroline.
On p. 2 though (and I read this in an earlier feedback too) it was a bit confusing as to who killed Ms Lucy. On 1st read through, I'd reasoned that Caro. lobbed of Ms Lucy's head 'cos she was jealous of the baby (what a duffer...eh?). On 2nd read, the penny dropped and I got it was the Father (accidentally).
That then posed the problem of what triggered Caro's psychosis off n the present day.
Maybe...hehe the jealosy thing / lobbing Ms Lucy's head with the hatchet could offer a new twist... Mmm... perhaps not...
Anyway, it was an odd tale that entertained. Well done!
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thanks for reading.

you are not the first to be confused about what happened to ms. lucy, so don't feel bad. ;) i should have just come right out and said that the gun discharged accidentally.

what set her off in the present day was her drunk father accidentally killing ms. lucy when she was a child, her abusive drunk of a husband, her religious upbringing and a supposed vision from god... it was based on a real woman who used to go around destroying saloons because god told her to.

Rustom Irani said:
Toldja' this'd be the first one I'd read.

Your opening description has powerful images, which is an excellent thing, but you don't need to mention "woman" in description. Caroline would suffice.

I like the play on structure you've got going here with the flashbacks helping character development.

But in some areas the pacing doesn't quite work because of this and events happen too soon in the time frame of the story.

For example, after the First Saloon rampage, and before the next one, you chose a scene in the Church, this didn't work to show the passage of time suffciently especially if she was carrying a gunshot wound from her previous deed. Also, there'd be blood in the Church and Caroline wouldn't wanna desecrete it, would she?

The dialog's were quite well done and are your forte. Love the use of Saloon girls as interactions for Caroline rather than male figures.

For me the flshback sequence can be limited to the earlier one and you could end up the story in a blazing fireball of destruction and light.

This ending ain't bad, but it needs something prophetic to end on.

The over-the-top nature of her rampages without really being violently opposed as she does her thing in the Saloon's seems too much, but I liked it. This is essentially character driven and more frail the character the more implausible it seems, which in turn piques an audience's interest.

Good job. Great title.
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thanks for taking the time to read/review my script :)

i see your point about caroline supposed to be bleeding in the church. my answer to this was that she was bleeding the whole time, but just started to bleed through the bandages... if i were to rewrite it, however, i would either change this or make it more clear. i don't think desecrating the church would be an issue.

carry nation was a real woman who used to do destroy saloons and, while she was beat up and arrested often, she did it dozens of times.

not sure if everyone picked up on this, but the flashback symbolized that she was dead. i wanted to bring it back full circle and show the innocence that was destroyed and reunite caroline with ms. lucy in a happier place.

thanks again,

jamie
 
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Well-written, clear characters, but unclear motives.

I liked how this script was written, well formatted, easy to read. I enjoyed how judgemental/hypocritical Caroline was. She reminded me of any nut-case (religious, political, economic) who has such skewed views she terrorizes people. Nice on that. There was this element of dark humor that isn't present in most of these, maybe it was unintended, but I did catch myself smiling in parts at her super-dramatic anti-alcohol statements.

My main problem is how you handled the lead-up to the breakdown. The background about Caroline's hatred towards alcohol as a young girl is good, but it doesn't explain the way she is now. The idea of a "vision" works, but I'd like more of a lead-up to this vision as she is a woman. Mental breakdown character transformation is always fascinating, from The Shining to Beautiful Mind, and just jumping right into the hatchet to the neck of her husband makes everything else have less of an impact. We know she's possessed by this vision, but isn't it more fun to see her as gets more and more enthralled in this vision... maybe it starts coming to her infrequently, and the fervor picks up, more, and more, and more, until CHOP! off goes the neck.

It's all a creative decision, and this is a 10-page contest, and you did a fantastic job and wrote a compelling story working with issues of zealotry, so you did a lot with this, and you made it fun. I think it could be better, but I also think it could be longer (and I'd read that version too!).
 
thank you for taking the time to read and review my script.

it's interesting in reading my comments how half of the people thought the motivation was right on and some of them thought it was insufficient. i guess we all read things differently. ;)

i addressed the motivation issue previously by explaining that it was witnessing her father kill ms. lucy when drunk, her mother's words, being sent away to school, and (possibly) the teachings at that school, and her abusive relationship with her husband, and her supposed vision from god that lead to her rampage. people have snapped for a lot less. but...maybe that doesn't work for you and that's ok.

i appreciate your feedback and i'm glad you seemed to like it :)

jamie
 
This is a really well written script. I tried to start it last night and just couldn't get into it. I'm glad I waited to read it with fresh eyes. You did a great job of setting up all your characters. Picked up the abuse right away. With the flashback, the alcohol was connected.

The dialogue was stylized and fit well with the period and location. All except one line of dialogue, that is.
SALOON GIRL
Whatever, Mama. Have yourself a drink and loosen up.
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Whatever, Mama just sounded so contemporary in dialogue that generally fit the feel of the time, that I was momentarily pulled out of the story and had to go back to re-read it. I was also confused for just a moment when the girl called her Mama. But that passed.

I think just about everything else in the script hit the right tone. Everything was motivated and I never found myself wondering, "why the hell did she/he do that?" I also think you nailed the ending. Very good script...one of the best in this fest.
 
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