Fun Palace

Pretty much what everyone else has said about a greater explanation of the motivations of the characters, but that's hard to do in a 10 page limit.

This is probably the most intense script I've read so far. It really sucked me in and made me want to read more. It was a great thrill ride.

I've been watching a lot of episodes of the old Batman: The Animated Series cartoon latley, and this reminds me of something that you'd see in that series, Batman chasing the Joker to an old abandoned amusement park and such.

Way to go!
 
Thanks! The Joker was definitely an influence on the Skinny Man. If you've seen Mask of the Phantasm, he's converted an amusement park in a similar way.
 
Very comic book/cartoon style of story. I had batman the animated series in my head and was glad to just read that you styled in on the joker/phantasm movie (as the comparison isn't unfair). I was a big fan of this series, so helped me enjoy this piece more enjoyable for me.

Very faced paced and worked for me for the most part but felt it needed more time to explain set-ups/motivation(s) etc

Dialog for the most was good - but skinny guy was a bit 2 dimensional (but this could be more the fault of knowing more about him). Also really didn't like he dying line. No matter how mad his was, I would him shocked/scared - show a different side.

Overall good work. But for me it could better fit in animated form - unique very violent batman.
 
That was some wild and wacky stuff!

I liked it. A good ole fast paced pulp story with plenty of surreal violence. My kind of script! :thumbsup:
 
jasonthewho said:
Hey, thanks for your comments guys.

This is not my favorite thing I've written, but I'm interested by some of the responses.

So far everyone likes the dialogue at the beginning, which I hate. And everyone hates the Skinny Man's dying words, which is my favorite part.

I guess I'm even weirder than I thought I was.
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haha, i agree. why not have him yell "mommy!"?. it's so unfitting that it fits, you know?

i was definitely thinking Gordon vs Joker (because Batman has no family or Glocks), like in The Killing Joke. ever read it?

everything's been covered already in previous comments, so no need to get into that stuff again... i'll just say: good story, i liked it. i winced when i thought you were going to impale the little girl while her dad watched. the Joker would've loved that.
 
I really liked this. The setting was great, I'm glad you mentioned Mask of Phantasm, because that's EXACTLY how I saw it in my head. I agree with what other people have said about they guy needing some reason to be targeted by the Skinny Guy. How many middle school science teachers are important enough to have their family kidnapped, and then have access to two Glocks?
Other than that, really great, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
 
themightyshrub said:
I really liked this. The setting was great, I'm glad you mentioned Mask of Phantasm, because that's EXACTLY how I saw it in my head. I agree with what other people have said about they guy needing some reason to be targeted by the Skinny Guy. How many middle school science teachers are important enough to have their family kidnapped, and then have access to two Glocks?
Other than that, really great, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
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i agree -i wanted to know why he was targeted- but being a middle school science teacher and having (access to) two Glocks are not mutually exclusive. :)
 
teachers can't own guns over there? i didn't know that! i guess the USA really is the wild wild west, huh? :)
 
jasonthewho said:
Thanks! The Joker was definitely an influence on the Skinny Man. If you've seen Mask of the Phantasm, he's converted an amusement park in a similar way.
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i have seen mask of the phantasm over a dozen times and that is exactly what i pictured here! i even read the skinny man's dying words with mark hamill's joker voice... which is why it worked for me.

i can tell, based on this and your previous script, that you really like fast-paced action scripts without a lot of fluff, which makes for a fun and exciting ride. sometimes a little bit of fluff might be good however... for example, to develop a character, set up motivation, etc.

but you already have heard the motivation issues, so i won't go on about it. :)

glad you entered. entertaining.
 
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themightyshrub said:
I really liked this. The setting was great, I'm glad you mentioned Mask of Phantasm, because that's EXACTLY how I saw it in my head. I agree with what other people have said about they guy needing some reason to be targeted by the Skinny Guy. How many middle school science teachers are important enough to have their family kidnapped, and then have access to two Glocks?
Other than that, really great, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
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i had not even read this review when i wrote mine. if i did, i could have just said, "ditto" :)
 
jamiejay said:
i can tell, based on this and your previous script, that you really like fast-paced action scripts without a lot of fluff, which makes for a fun and exciting ride. sometimes a little bit of fluff might be good however... for example, to develop a character, set up motivation, etc.
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Actually, all the films I've actually shot have been character driven dramas. But for these Scriptfests, where I don't specifically intend to shoot the film, I get a kick out of writing action packed scripts where budget is no concern.
 
jamiejay said:
that makes sense. i would love to read one of your dramas. i'm a fan. ;)
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jamiejay - download Jason's Timefest entry "The Five Worst Days in the Life of Bartholomew Saxton" - it's very good.

Hope that wasn't out of place Jason!
I enjoyed Fun Palace. This was a very visual piece - I think it was very much a violent, splatterish, comic sketch, and taken as such it worked very well (including that dying line). As a sketch I didn't feel the need for more background or fleshing out, but I can see that others might feel that lack. I really liked the opening, not just the dialog but the action as well. Thanks for the read.
Jason
 
horncastle's a good pimp. i went and watched "the five worst days in the life of bartholomew saxton" and i loved it! i'm not just saying that. it was frickin awesome. i love the whole pushing daisies feel. it was funny and clever and well-done. now i'm an even bigger fan! ;)
 
Thanks jamiejay! Its great to have someone check the film out. It's been a long time since I've gotten any feedback on it. I appreciate the compliments. Everyone keeps saying Pushing Daisies, and I still haven't had a chance to check that show out. I'll have to watch it. Sad that it's getting cancelled.
 
I really liked your script jasonthewho. What an awesome and succinct opening. You really got the adrenalin pumping from the get go. :kali: :violent5:

I can see this being either gritty in visual style, or in a more comic book style as well. The flow was nice and kept the plot moving. The action was exciting and excellently described.

I have to say that the great opening was stronger than the ending.

I also really got a kick out of your use of an abandoned Chuck E Cheese type of place. Man, that sounds scary.

I would also like to have known what the skinny man's motivation was for abducting and torturing his victims. I assumed that he was just a demented nutcase, so it still works. Also, his line "mommy, ouchies it hurts" makes me think that he maybe had some sort of abuse as a child.

You had some room to flesh things out with the 10 page limit. I would like to know a little more about the characters. So that would be my biggest criticism.

I really enjoyed this though, even with the gruesome treatment of the wife and Emmy. I look forward to what you will come up with for next scriptfest as well.
 
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