jasonthewho
Veteran
Thanks Nektonic!
Fun Palace
- Thread starter jasonthewho
- Start date
alex whitmer
Veteran
Review of Fun Palace
*Great line …
RICHARD (V.O.)
Well, I've got two Glock's that think
differently.
*Don’t need the ‘ on glocks. It’s plural, not possessive.
*More great dialogue follows!
This …
Richard leans up against a boarded up window, and looks
through a small hole.
*Hyper picky here, but watch for the double use of the same word in the same sentence, in this case ‘up’. It always reads a little clumsy. You could ditch the first one altogether. Superfluous anyways.
This …
THROUGH THE HOLE
*Maybe POV through hole.
Page 4
He's in the middle of a merry-go-round
surrounded by plastic horses
*Probably wooden horses if it’s an old park.
Page 5
Richard stumbles forward as fast as he can
*I would use hops, as one leg is useless.
This …
Finally he can see her: eyes frozen wide, a golf club shoved through her mouth, coming out the back of her head.
*Ouch.
Nice job on this one! Twisted and sad, but well done.
Little confused on what was fantasy/dream and what was real. Seemed to ride a fine line between worlds.
Enjoyed it anyways!! You have a wild imagination.
aw
*Great line …
RICHARD (V.O.)
Well, I've got two Glock's that think
differently.
*Don’t need the ‘ on glocks. It’s plural, not possessive.
*More great dialogue follows!
This …
Richard leans up against a boarded up window, and looks
through a small hole.
*Hyper picky here, but watch for the double use of the same word in the same sentence, in this case ‘up’. It always reads a little clumsy. You could ditch the first one altogether. Superfluous anyways.
This …
THROUGH THE HOLE
*Maybe POV through hole.
Page 4
He's in the middle of a merry-go-round
surrounded by plastic horses
*Probably wooden horses if it’s an old park.
Page 5
Richard stumbles forward as fast as he can
*I would use hops, as one leg is useless.
This …
Finally he can see her: eyes frozen wide, a golf club shoved through her mouth, coming out the back of her head.
*Ouch.
Nice job on this one! Twisted and sad, but well done.
Little confused on what was fantasy/dream and what was real. Seemed to ride a fine line between worlds.
Enjoyed it anyways!! You have a wild imagination.
aw
jasonthewho
Veteran
Thanks for the critique Alex! I agree with all your comments.
As far as what was fantasy/dream, the only thing that is supposed to be specifically a dream is the hospital scene. Everything else takes place in the heightened reality of this world.
As far as what was fantasy/dream, the only thing that is supposed to be specifically a dream is the hospital scene. Everything else takes place in the heightened reality of this world.