For Married people only.

Unmarried, sorry! I have a question about marriage... although I realize it's a pretty personal thing to answer.

If your husband/wife were to cheat on you, could you ever really get over it?

I guess I have trust issues, but I don't ever want to get married. I've been cheated on in every long term relationship I've ever been in (3). Maybe it's a generational thing, because most of my friends have the same dating history.

I just can't understand, if you have put 100% trust into somebody (what's required for marriage and love I guess) who eventually cheats on you, how you could ever work your way up to 100% again. The girls who have claimed to "love" me the most are the ones who are quickest to seek attention elsewhere when things aren't going so well.

Sorry to kill the flow. You all typically have great insights, so I figured I'd ask.
 
It really depends on the person doing the cheating. If they have a 'history' of being unfaithful, or have not been in relationships for quality length of time, then you know it's just part of the nature.

You can get past the hurt just like most hurts, trust would have to be earned over a period of time. But seriously, it really will hinge on the personality trait of the person. Go into every relationship with your eyes wide open.
 
That's a tough one. I'm not certain how I would react...I suppose depending on the how and why I could maybe get over it once, especially at this stage in our marriage. If I married someone and they cheated on me within the first year I'd call it quits right there...My wife's friend knew somebody who cheated on their husband the week before they got married, and the guy found out and still went through with it, which is just asking for trouble. Another note, if all your friends have the same dating history than perhaps you need some new friends...Not judging them, but I just notice how people with drug and alcohol problems tend to have friends and family who have drug and alcohol problems...Me, I don't know anybody with drug and alcohol problems...and as far as I know I don't know any couples with infidelity problems (unless they're really good at hiding things).
 
I would never live with infidelity. The relationship would end immediately. There is no point. Infidelity just shows you don't make a good couple, it will only get worse, trying to live with it would be a waste of time. If I break a glass, can you put it together? Will it be the same glass?

I don't believe being unfaithful is part of one's nature. When you are young it is immaturity, mature people do not attempt to maintain long term relationships if they still need to experiment in that department.

A woman will only be unfaithful if she's not satisfied with the relationship. If she's not happy in body, mind and soul, in that order. Nothing to do with her nature. Instead of expecting the "inevitable", examine the relationship from the start. Does it have the three elements? There are many relationship that only cover one or two bases and still survive for a while.

- If she admires you for something, she respects you and likes the way you think, you got that mind covered. That's practical security for a female.

- If you can give her the sentimental supports she needs when things go wrong in her life instead of searching for practical approaches to her problems, you got the soul covered. That's emotional security for a female.

- That leaves the body which interconnects to body and soul, and is the basis for everything. No need to say that's the hard and the most complex part. I don't think more than 10% of couples get this right and this explains the high rate of infidelity in anonymous polls. Even if the polls are 40% or 50%, be sure that the rest of it is heavily compromising in the sex department and fidelity is mostly achieved by practical limitations, ethics, social environment, marriage, etc. It goes without saying that none of this is bulletproof.

The main problem is sexual immaturity from both sides. Even though sexual immaturity in women can be compensated by a mature male, the opposite is very difficult. And what is maturity? The three forms of sexual expression. Three forms of treating the sex subject, combined and interleaved, three expressions of the same thing, sexuality. If you want to treat your female in three different ways and she is mature enough to need and enjoy all three, you got it, she belongs to you and you belong to her. She should be a) your sensitive little girl b) your playful and adventurous girlfriend and c) your #^$%@ ^%$#%. Sensitive to dominant. A pattern of colors in harmony. Nature.

You want to know what causes infidelity in the most effective way the moment you expect it the least? Contempt, from her to you. Do you appear inferior to others to her eyes in some department? Are you jealous sometimes? Are you insecure? She might be a woman of great beauty and all women need and deserve to feel sexual. Assume that guy she works with is almost flirting with her at the party and she appears to be enjoying it. Or she might be looking for a reaction from you. Well, save the scene, she's not 16. Show her who is boss when you get home. Wait till the door is shut. Verify her choice in you. Have fun:)
 
The short answer is yes you can get over it. My wife stepped out on me many years ago (not married yet, but together for 12 years) and I forgave her, but I wasn't a saint either.

It really depends on how you're built.

Don't know if its right, but I look at it as, the score is 1-1 and honestly I couldn't say what we would do if someone went up 2-1.

I realized that its easier with just one. I don't have to screen my calls, delete emails and text messages and make up a bunch of lies. Its soooo much better dealing with one person in a marriage.

Also, to me vagina is vagina, once you get yours it feels the same and I'm ready to bounce immediately after anyway so why not just have sex with her and not worry about all the other crap that comes with having an affair.


Drew Ott said:
Unmarried, sorry! I have a question about marriage... although I realize it's a pretty personal thing to answer.

If your husband/wife were to cheat on you, could you ever really get over it?

I guess I have trust issues, but I don't ever want to get married. I've been cheated on in every long term relationship I've ever been in (3). Maybe it's a generational thing, because most of my friends have the same dating history.

I just can't understand, if you have put 100% trust into somebody (what's required for marriage and love I guess) who eventually cheats on you, how you could ever work your way up to 100% again. The girls who have claimed to "love" me the most are the ones who are quickest to seek attention elsewhere when things aren't going so well.

Sorry to kill the flow. You all typically have great insights, so I figured I'd ask.
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Otis Grapsas said:
I would never live with infidelity. The relationship would end immediately. There is no point. Infidelity just shows you don't make a good couple, it will only get worse, trying to live with it would be a waste of time. If I break a glass, can you put it together? Will it be the same glass?
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But a glass is fragile...I qualified my view with "at this stage in our marriage" because we have a relationship that is a lot stronger than glass. I'd agree that if someone is cheating on you repeatedly while you're still dating they probably aren't marriage material. But an affair 15-16 years into a marriage is an entirely different ball of wax. I can't see it ever happening in my marriage because I'd have to be pretty emotionally clueless to not see the writing on the wall before my wife would consider cheating. But other couples, who spend a lot of time apart because of work, have wider social circles and a lot more temptations, things could slip by unnoticed...I just don't believe in saying 'never', circumstances aren't always the same so why should a reaction be. I don't think I could ever kill someone, but there are circumstances under which I might.
 
Richard J. Johnson said:
Also, to me vagina is vagina, once you get yours it feels the same and I'm ready to bounce immediately after anyway so why not just have sex with her and not worry about all the other crap that comes with having an affair.
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LOL...my wife knows how lazy I am so I think that does much to assuage any of her concerns about me cheating.
 
Good post battuta. I have dealt with cheating and trust me when I tell you, no man EVER wants to have that conversation. And I'm sure women feel the same way.

I found out by chance and I was crushed. Buyt we worked it out and it hasn't come up since. Do I think she's done it? Sometimes yes, sometimes no but I have no proof that she has so I can't react based on assumption.

I'm so busy taking care of our kids and paying all the bills I just don't have the time to care about it either way.

My wife is much more social than I am. She goes out from time to time and I never do. She has male friends and my best friends are all females so I can't trip about that. If I can spend a week in vegas with my best friend (female, married) without her there then she can go out too.
 
Richard J. Johnson said:
Me and my wife have been together for 16 years and I was talking to a few of my married friends about sex and it seems that we don't have it as much as them. After the kids we only get down about twice a month. Is that normal for you guys?
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Richard, going back to your original post. I just saw that movie "Date Night" on a plane……I don't think a film like this would be so wildly successful if your problem was exclusive, my friend. :grin:
 
Batutta said:
But a glass is fragile...I qualified my view with "at this stage in our marriage" because we have a relationship that is a lot stronger than glass. I'd agree that if someone is cheating on you repeatedly while you're still dating they probably aren't marriage material. But an affair 15-16 years into a marriage is an entirely different ball of wax. I can't see it ever happening in my marriage because I'd have to be pretty emotionally clueless to not see the writing on the wall before my wife would consider cheating. But other couples, who spend a lot of time apart because of work, have wider social circles and a lot more temptations, things could slip by unnoticed...I just don't believe in saying 'never', circumstances aren't always the same so why should a reaction be. I don't think I could ever kill someone, but there are circumstances under which I might.
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The temptations are always there. The distance just provides opportunity, it's not the root of the problem. One should be able to tell something is wrong. If the couple spend a lot of time apart it should make a strong bond even stronger if anything.

I'm very absolute about infidelity, I know. It's for practical reasons, I wouldn't be able to function in a relationship after infidelity, and it would be the same if I was the breaching party. It could also be a cultural thing. In some cultures open relationships are encouraged, in others you get stoned to death for infidelity.

Like Nick Portokalos said, "I've never seen my sister so happy, Ian. If you hurt her, I'll kill you and make it look like an accident." :)
 
Otis Grapsas said:
It could also be a cultural thing. In some cultures open relationships are encouraged, in others you get stoned to death for infidelity.
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I'm far from being okay with an open relationship...I'm just saying there may be circumstances where I could work past it with my spouse. I wouldn't ignore it, I'd confront it head on, but I've found the older I get the less absolute I am about anything. There is what WE THINK we would do. And then there is what we actually do when confronted with it. And they don't always match up.
 
Deepfocus88 said:
Richard, going back to your original post. I just saw that movie "Date Night" on a plane……I don't think a film like this would be so wildly successful if your problem was exclusive, my friend. :grin:
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Lol. I haven't seen that movie but thanks to some great posts in this thread I really don't feel like a weirdo anymore.
 
Fair warning about open relationships, NEVER try it unless it was like from the start. Tried it, and it was not a good thing. Really bad actually. It may work for some, but we just couldn't deal with it.
 
Batutta said:
Another note, if all your friends have the same dating history than perhaps you need some new friends...Not judging them, but I just notice how people with drug and alcohol problems tend to have friends and family who have drug and alcohol problems...Me, I don't know anybody with drug and alcohol problems...and as far as I know I don't know any couples with infidelity problems (unless they're really good at hiding things).
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Yeah, I can see that. Most people I know are into drugs/alcohol. A good friend of mine, who uses lots of drugs, started dating a girl who was very innocent in regard to most everything. He introduced her to some different drugs, but they were both still seemingly happy. A year later he threw a party and passed out early. That night she hooked up with three different guys while she was sober. I guess that's a pretty extreme example.

Btw, I don't use drugs... although almost everybody I know does. Maybe it's because I'm 18 and everybody is going through their drug phase right now. I hope so. My brother is one of the few people I know who is against drug use, but even he has said, "We gotta hang out more... I need to get you on the whiskey."

Anyway, I agree that the drug/alcohol problem is probably related to the infidelity I'm noticing. Perhaps the drug use encourages hedonism at all costs. I don't know.
 
I do believe some people are built on not having the 'faithful gene' it's just their make-up. Past lives, commitment issues, mommy issues, whatever. I think your gut tells you more than you want to listen to because love is blind, ya know. You don't want to believe it.

Richard - I don't recommend 3somes during marriage, before marriage no one gets hurt. And I also agree while there's always a hint of "is she" it's best to move forward and focus on what really is, the here and now.
 
Charli said:
Richard - I don't recommend 3somes during marriage, before marriage no one gets hurt. And I also agree while there's always a hint of "is she" it's best to move forward and focus on what really is, the here and now.
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We did the 3some thing one time and it was awesome, but I'm okay with never doing it again. Since we have done so much experimenting sexually it was cool with us. My wife had a few things to say afterward but we talked about it and everyone is cool. That was actually her idea. I am pretty straight forward until the opportunity arises, after that I'm down for whatever. :thumbsup:
 
i'm still in the "no fly zone" (post baby) for one more week....i'm a bit pent up. it's gonna be a good session i think, but i'm a bit self conscious..."delivering a 7lb baby vs. my weiner" sorry to get graphic, but it's a valid point. i hope i can fulfill my duties.
 
My wife has given birth twice to 8 pound babies and the black bishop still makes her happy. You have nothing to worry about there.


Chris Light said:
i'm still in the "no fly zone" (post baby) for one more week....i'm a bit pent up. it's gonna be a good session i think, but i'm a bit self conscious..."delivering a 7lb baby vs. my weiner" sorry to get graphic, but it's a valid point. i hope i can fulfill my duties.
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